1. "Is It Bigger Than a Breadbox?"

    Revisiting the original versions of the often-revived guessing games from back in the day.


    I've Got a Secret, "Carol Channing has a secret"
    OB: Monday night, January 13, 1964, CBS, 8 p.m. EST.
    I was born the day after this show first aired.

    What's My Line?, "Mystery Guest: Van Heflin"
    OB: Sunday night, January 19, 1964, CBS, 10:30 p.m. EST.
    I was five days old when this show first aired.

    To Tell the Truth, "Will the Real John LeCarre Please Stand Up?"
    OB: Monday night, April 27, 1964, CBS,, 7:30 p.m. EST
    I was three months old when this show first aired.

    Two reviews, two different shows, 52 years apart...but both shows were similar and came from the same family.

    First, the TV Guide review by Cleveland Amory from the week of January 25-31, 1964, of What's My Line? Ouch. He really lets Arlene and company have it.

    "The marathon dance that is known as What's My Line? has, in our opinion, not only run its course, it has, Massa, run it into the cold, cold ground," Amory begins with a rather unfortunate use of a racist Stephen Foster lyric. "When the show first went on the air, it was, our late grandfather once told us, highly popular. Since we last heard a favorable opinion, however, a whole new generation has been bored," of the blindfolds, the handshakes--geez, what did he have against handshakes?--the "mannered introduction" and "positively sick and tired of all the extraneous, intramural promotions." (He had a point with the last one. I watched a 1964 show recently on YouTube and actually groaned out loud when Arlene Francis, John Charles Daly and mystery guest Bert Lahr all went on and on and on about his new off-Broadway show, apparently to fill time because he was guessed so quickly.)

    Fast forward to the night of June 14, 2016, the night ABC debuted a new revival of To Tell the Truth as one of a number of game shows (also including The $100,000 Pyramid and Match Game, both of which were especially well received by fans and critics) being used for a summer run. "I cannot lie, this show is caught in a TV time warp," wrote Cory Anotado on Buzzerblog, a blog devoted to game shows.

    The 1964 To Tell the Truth panel
    "The panelists are ill-trained compared to panels past, the interrogation format is disjointed and just not that fun to watch, and the premiere dragged for about a half-hour too long. The band is unnecessary, host Anthony Anderson’s mother is unnecessary, and the loser’s punishment is not only boring but also necessary, pushing the game away from the bluffers and onto the panelists," Cory writes, declaring this heavily tweaked version of the show "not great." Anotado's best point--other than tweaks like the loser's embarrassing tweet being "unnecessary" and the "two remaining imposters stick around for a second round" not being a bad idea--is that the burden is now shifted from the imposters and sworn guest to the panelists, with an actual score being kept. This makes it a totally different show. Now, the panel no longer functions as a team, it's every man and woman, Jalen Rose or the heavily experienced Betty White, for himself or herself. Whoever made that decision clearly wasn't thinking about game shows as much as reality shows.

    Neither Amory nor Anotado felt a need to bow in complete reverence to the long-traditional formats of these beloved classics, and both found things to like (Amory did like Bennett Cerf's interactions with host John Charles Daly, for instance). But what's telling is that they're both really writing about changing times. Amory ultimately makes a good point about the genteel mannerisms of What's My Line? looking so anachronistic and the show looking like it still hadn't made it into the mid-1960s already. (The show finished #24 for the 1963-64 season, its last in the top 30.)

    Anotado makes it clear he's open to new twists on an old format...as long as they work and they complement the format, not hijack it in our current short-attention-span, texting-distracted world. He knows the days of the cosmopolitan Manhattan-centric interaction of What's My Line? are over forever (and even a bit laughable now, but still not as bad as Amory said), but still calls for better panelists than say, Nene Leakes and Jalen Rose. After all, the various versions of To Tell the Truth had panelists who were master interrogators, like Tom Poston, Kitty Carlisle and Orson Bean, and up-and-coming television legends sitting in on the panel occasionally, from Dick Van Dyke to Johnny Carson to (on the 2000 revival) Walter White himself, Bryan Cranston. Sure the show is now produced for a young demographic--the opening guest (and two imposters) all claimed to be a guy Taylor Swift dated in high school, and later wrote a song about.

    But there's a reason the game was considered for a revival in the first place, even for an audience who may have been toddlers or in preschool or kindergarten when John O'Hurley's version ran in 2000: it's just plain fun, in its rawest, most pure form.

    Although legendary game show producers Mark Goodson and Bill Todman actually gave us more than a few panel-type shows over the years, from The Name's the Same to, I guess you could say, Tattletales, their big three--What's My Line?, To Tell the Truth and I've Got a Secret will always jointly represent the gold standard of panel guessing games. For years, people mostly knew them by their revivals. In fact, when I first saw What's My Line? it was running five days a week with the polite but rather wooden Wally Bruner as host (he would later leave for the perhaps more suitable Wally's Workshop, to be replaced by the more charismatic Larry Blyden), and Soupy Sales and Arlene Francis as regular panelists (also the first I ever heard of Soupy Sales...that just seems wrong). I got to know To Tell the Truth the same way, with Garry Moore hosting (again, first I ever remembered hearing of him) and Kitty Carlisle, Peggy Cass  and Bill Cullen (now Bill I did know, from Three on a Match) as the regular panelists. The glory days of the three shows from their CBS runs in the 1950s and 1960s just weren't available for reruns, even during their network runs (although I did catch the 1975 clip-filled ABC special, "What's My Line? at 25," and was fascinated).

    The I've Got a Secret panel
    But an upstart cable network would change that.

    It's not always unusual for a cable network to mine the classic TV vaults for classic programming as an affordable way to fill their schedules, until they make enough money to license more recent programming and then produce their own new content. Long before giving us Key & Peele and The Daily Show, for instance, Comedy Central actually reran 1950s kinescopes of Steve Allen and comic bandleader Spike Jones, and such short-lived sitcoms as Captain Nice and When Things Were Rotten. AMC originally stood for American Movie Classics and had a format similar to Turner Classic Movies; their changeover to more recent fare was first met with gnashing of teeth (and troll defenders berating people over their definitions of "classic") before groundbreaking shows like Mad Men and Breaking Bad meant all (or most) was forgiven.

    Dorothy Kilgallen of What's My Line?
    And so it was with the Game Show Network. Licensing several vaults' worth of classics, including the likes of The Dating Game, the original Password, the Peter Marshall version of The Hollywood Squares and the 1970s Match Game that grew its own cult following (and became the network's flagship show), GSN built its brand before tweaking its mission and starting off in a new direction. But in the meantime, it dusted off and reintroduced the black and white kinescopes of "the Big Three" to new generations of game show fans, rerunning them for the first time ever. At one point they even anchored their own regular feature on the network, Black and White Overnight, with the shows often even having the original sponsor billboards intact and even a CBS network announcer delivering an occasional promo at the end, for shows like My Favorite Martian. And suddenly a fan base was born. Game show fans began discussing and debating game play, which panelists performed the best and their backstories, even fierce "conspiracy theory" debates over the unfortunate drug-overdose death of What's My Line? panelist Dorothy Kilgallen in 1965...just hours after appearing live on What's My Line? and before a pre-recorded To Tell the Truth on which she guested appeared on CBS.

    Betsy Palmer of I've Got a Secret

    And they became experts over intricate details. In fact I'm pretty sure I'll get a fact or two wrong in this entry and probably hear from one or two of them. That's okay. Nearly all of them are my friends.


    Panel games go back to old time radio, and one of the first, if not the first, was Information Please. Listeners would try to stump an intellectual panel of professors and editors--and at least one reasonably intelligent celebrity like Fred Allen, Groucho Marx or Oscar Levant--with questions on a variety of topics. (Future What's My Line? panelist Fred Allen took over as host for one round and utterly stumped the panel with his own series of especially tough astronomy questions, since that was one of his passions. "I sure could use those Encyclopedia Britannicas!" he said of the show's prize, to a studio audience roaring with laughter.) Others included Twenty Questions and the 1950s era Sez Who? the latter hosted by Henry Morgan, himself already a regular panelist on the TV version of I've Got a Secret.

    What's My Line? debuted on CBS in February 1950; Dorothy Kilgallen, the controversial gossip columnist whose radio show she did with her husband was once parodied by Fred Allen, was there at the very beginning. The show's longest running panelist, actress Arlene Frances (an old time radio soap actress, TV hostess and Broadway player among many other things) showed up for the second show. (She later said she was supposed to be in the first broadcast but didn't make it, for a reason she later forgot.) Bennett Cerf first appeared later that first year, 1950. When panelist Fred Allen, who became a regular in 1953, died unexpectedly in March 1956 (and like Kilgallen, his death was reflected in an especially moving next show), his chair became a rotating one for guest panelists.

    The point of the show was to try to guess the occupation of the person in question, by listening to their yes or no answers. Then there was a celebrity mystery guest. A number of television and Hollywood legends sat in that spot over the years--Lucille Ball held the record at six times, including once with her husband Desi Arnaz and once using her "Martian language" that she and Ethel used in an actual I Love Lucy episode that aired around that time. Alfred Hitchcock threw the rules out the window as he used goofy voices and lines like "that's impossible" instead of "no," for instance. Speaking of Goofy voices, GE Theater host and future U.S. President Ronald Reagan actually imitated the Disney character of that name. Andy Griffith even set aside his southern accent for a surprisingly convincing British-sounding one, while Sean Connery did the opposite, shedding his Scottish accent for a squeaky "Mr. Moose" voice. Rosalind Russell and Pearl Bailey even convinced the panel they were men,  while Fred Astaire, Art Carney,  Walter Brennan and Fred MacMurray convinced them they were female. MacMurray and Buster Keaton were even thought to be attractive blondes.

    Steve Allen on What's My Line?

    It was during a pre-Tonight Show stint as a regular panelist that Steve Allen coined the show's most famous catchphrase, "Is it bigger than a breadbox?" This led to an especially hilarious moment when Kilgallen asked that question...to a man who actually made breadboxes for a living. Steve Allen, and the breadbox question, actually make a return appearance on the first What's My Line? of my lifetime, the one of January 19, 1964.

    After a set of animated opening credits, a Kellogg's sponsor billboard and the familiar logo that was used again in the 1970s, I hear the legendary game show announcer Johnny Olson say those immortal words, "Now, let's all play What's My Line?!" It's the first thing I ever remember hearing him say, long before he ever said "Come on down!" or "Get ready to match the stars!"

    The What's My Line? panel
    Each of the three Goodson-Todman panel shows had their own way of introducting the panelists. The host did it on I've Got a Secret, while the announcer had that duty on To Tell the Truth. On What's My Line? it was unusually elaborate and choreographed. Olson would introduce the first panelist--this particular night, it was Dorothy Kilgallen--then she and the next two panelists would introduce the person to their left. Kilgallen introduces guest panelist Steve Allen, who then introduces series regular Arlene Francis (strikingly beautiful even then at the age of 56) and plugs her appearance in a play in New Jersey.

    Bennett Cerf of What's My Line?
    Francis then says, "The reason Random House is so first class is that its president is so first class" in way of introducing Bennett Cerf. His name was always familiar to me; he compiled a children's joke book I often checked out from the church library when I was a kid, and I often read the jokes out loud ("What's the first thing you put into a pie? Your teeth!") to the church librarian, who also happened to be my elementary school principal during five other days every week, Miss Booker. (Yes, that was her real name.) I don't know of any current day game show that would have the president of a publishing house as a celebrity panelist or contestant...but then again, I also don't know any publishers who are that well known for being that entertaining, either, not enough to provide yuks on a game show. And Bennett Cerf was a hoot by all accounts, mine included.

    Cerf, known especially for his wit and his hilarious efforts to trip up the host, introduced John Charles Daly as that "pristine gardenia on the lapel of American television." (That actually made me laugh out loud.)  Daly then comes out and takes his own spot stage left (the audience's right) facing the panel across the stage, and says, "A gardenia would smell as sweet by any other name, I'm sure."

    Daly was originally a network newsman and a member of radio's CBS World News Roundup. It was he who most CBS radio listeners heard break the news that the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. Four years later, he had the sad duty of breaking the news that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt had died. Daly was also ABC's first nightly network news anchor during his first ten years of What's My Line?, 1950-1960, and I doubt today a broadcast network news anchor like, say, Scott Pelley of CBS, could pop up on, say, NBC hosting a game show. (But yes I know CNN's Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer often pop up on Jeopardy! as celebrity contestants. Really bad contestants, in fact.)

    White House secretary Geraldine Whittington.
    Daly introduces the first "challenger"--he calls everyone "challenger" instead of contestant, even the mystery guest is a "mystery challenger"--and says "Will you enter and sign in, please," one of the show's beloved, iconic catch phrases.

    The woman who signs in signs as Jerri Whittington...and she's about to make major history that the panel, the studio audience and the home audience are not going to expect.

    As she takes her seat, Daly says the home and studio audiences will now see what her line is...and according to the super, it's "Secretary to President Johnson." "Miss Whittington is salaried and deals in a service," he tells the panel before questioning begins with Steve Allen.


    ...But first, I'm not going to bury the lede like the show does. This was a very significant moment not just in television history but American history. Geraldine Whittington has the distinction of being the first African-American to be the executive secretary to a sitting U.S. President. And this was the Lyndon Johnson administration's way of announcing it to the world. Apparently the White House felt more people would see it this way than if Johnson held a news conference. However, they never mention her groundbreaking role on behalf of her race. They simply talk about her being LBJ's secretary.

    Overall, the panel has ten turns to guess the correct occupation. Each non-affirming "no" adds $5 to the winning amount the challenger will receive, stopping no higher than $50--a rather paltry amount even then, considering we'd seen game shows giving away $64,000+ about seven years earlier before they were destroyed by scandals. (Even the other two G-T panel shows gave away more money, like To Tell the Truth.) But it was never about the money.

    Steve Allen is able to get that both men and women may use her service...but not children. "That's one down and nine to go, Miss Francis," Daly says. His keeping count and flipping over the appropriate card is the game show equivalent to the chorus of a never ending song. ("That's two down and eight to go, Mr. Cerf.") And it does have that kind of rhythm to it, in fact. Repetition is one of the ways game shows will stay in your head. Woody Allen, himself a guest panelist a couple of times in 1963, even parodied all of this in two different movies of his.

    Arlene Francis of What's My Line?
    Arlene Francis gets a laugh about "physical dexterity," assuming her job might be manual labor. "There are some physical actions necessary to its completion," Daly offers in the way of clarity. (His sometimes long-winded clarifications were often the butt of Bennett Cerf's jokes.) When Francis gets a "no" to her job involving "gamemanship and sportsplay," Daly declares it's two down and eight to go and calling on Cerf.

    All of the questions are supposed to be "yes" or "no" but Cerf actually gets away with getting a non-yes-or-no question answered, when he asks where James River, Maryland is located. She says it's halfway between Washington and Annapolis, thereby dropping a huge hint. Cerf gets a laugh with "Is this a non-profit-making organization?" then gets it out of her that it's a government job. Her "no" to whether she works in the armed services sends the questioning over to Dorothy Kilgallen.

    It's Kilgallen, the most seriously competitive of the panelists who prided herself on her journalistic interrogation skills, who manages to narrow it down to the executive branch, rules out "special robes" (then reminds herself that's the "wrong branch"), that she's connected to the White House, then correctly guesses she's a secretary. Kilgallen was the best player of the bunch but not necessarily the most loved by fans; Francis had a Machiavellian way of acting like she accidentally just "backed into" the correct answer but her sharp questioning skills gave her away.

    Whittington describes Johnson as having "great warmth..fair, kind," but also as being a perfectionist who demands "total excellence at all times." She acknowledges working long hours with the President and even traveling with him to his ranch in Texas, which she enjoys. (Daly says he has friends in the White House press corps who say they do not enjoy that part of the job.)


    The second challenger, Sabin Segal, has a line that says he "sells bird seed." Daly tells the panel he "deals in a product." (Lines that have to do with animals are often comedy gold on this show, especially if the panel hasn't yet realized the "line" is actually about an animal. Steve Allen's 1950s questioning of a man who made horse feed bags is the stuff of television legend...improvisational comedy in its purest form.)

    The questioning begins with Francis, who asks, "Might it be a product I would use?...would Mr. Cerf use it?" getting laughs both times. "Would we ever use it at the same time?" she asks. (Cerf: "There's nobody that I'd rather use it with." There's an awful lot of mutual admiration and even downright flirting on this show.)

    "Do I take it that you have nothing whatsoever to do with breadboxes?" Cerf asks, the first "breadbox" reference of the night with Allen present. Cerf gets it out of Segal that the product is consumable, "taken internally," solid, and "some kind of food," but gets a no on whether it's "eaten in natural state as opposed to prepared," since it does go through a factory.

    "Steve said its natural state is Arizona," Kilgallen quips, before asking "Is it something I can hold in my hand?" Segal says yes, and Kigallen notes it would be smaller than a breadbox. She gets a "no" on whether it can be eaten after it's cooked.

    "I don't want to hear any jokes about muddah or faddah, but would describe this product as fodder?" asks Cerf, an apparent reference to I've Got a Secret producer Allan Sherman and his novelty song "Hello Muddah Hello Faddah."

    Kilgallen manages to narrow it down that it's "eaten by birds or fish," and says she'll "take a stab at fish." That turns questioning over to Allen, who says "Something with feathers eats these things," and asks, "Is the thing that eats this bigger than a breadbox?" He narrows it down to something that can live in a cage, then guesses, "Are you a bird seed man of some kind?" Sabin Segal gets his $35, and is identified as an employee of Hartz Mountain pet products.

    After a Kellogg's commercial, Daly makes sure the panel has their iconic blindfolds in place for the "mystery guest" segment, and asks, "Would you enter, mystery challenger, and sign in please?"

    Mystery guest Van Heflin

    Hollywood actor Van Heflin then signs in. The then-55-year-old character actor had been the lead man a few times--once as one of "The Three Musketeers" and once playing President Andrew Johnson--and was known for such 1950s movies as "Patterns" and the westerns "Shane" and "3:10 to Yuma." Here, his vocal disguise is as an older, vaguely New Yorkish man with a tobacco-stained voice that's almost a loud whisper.

    In this round, Daly still grants $5 per non-affirmative "no," but the panelists take turns one question at a time this time. (I seem to remember the "One down, nine to go" part even being dropped from that round in the Bruner-Blyden years.)

    Dorothy Kilgallen gets him to say he's in show business, while Steve Allen is able to confirm that he has been in movies. For Arlene Francis he confirms he's sometimes on the stage, and Bennett Cerf's question narrows it down to the fact that he's currently on stage. We later find out he's on Broadway and not "South of 42nd Street" as Cerf asked.

    "I pass," Dorothy Kilgallen says surprisingly. "I punt!" Steve Allen quips to loud laughter and applause from the audience. (He was every bit a great ad-libber as his fellow Allen panelist, Fred.)  Figuring out who he is, Arlene Francis asks if he's appearing in a play based on a Louis Nizer work, which he was. In fact, after the applause and the panelists removing their blindfolds, they discuss that play, "A Case of Libel." At one point, Bennett Cerf asks about some ongoing investigations in the news concerning "box office speculation" (perhaps the inspiration for the 1968 movie "The Producers," later itself a Broadway musical). Heflin ducks the question almost literally, by saying all of that happens at the front door and he goes in and out the back.

    There's actually time for one more regular challenger, so Daly brings out Mrs. Joan Higgins of Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey. Her line is, "Band Leader (All Girl Orchestra)." Daly says she's "self employed and deals in a service" reminds the panel they're running low on time. After a few questions (and Arlene's guess that she's an "adorable baton twirler"), Daly flips the cards and Joan Higgins stumps the panel. As the show winds down, the panelists say good night to one another one at a time, with Bennett Cerf quipping to Daly, "I'll bet you're headed to the Roosevelt Hotel!" His line becomes even funnier when a seriously awkward Daly lets it be known that it was Cerf and "not I who authored that thought," perhaps afraid to get in Dutch with his wife Virginia Warren or his father-in-law, U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren.

    John Charles Daly of What's My Line?
    It was Daly who kept the show so formal, with the "Miss Francis" and "Mr. Cerf" salutations, and rejected efforts to jazz the show up for a younger crowd...perhaps what Cleveland Amory was picking on about the show. (Daly's possible "mid-Atlantic accent" could also have something to do with both his delivery and the show's mannerisms.) What's My Line? would leave CBS in September 1967--with Daly leaning back and forth between microphones as the show's final mystery guest, and Francis guessing he was actually both of the show's executive producers, Mark Goodson and Bill Todman. Daly and the panel, in fact, actually came back from summer hiatus long enough for one last show after CBS chose not to renew the series (coincidentally just days after ABC's The Fugitive did the same). The show, as I mentioned, returned in five-day-a-week syndication for seven more years beginning in 1968, with Francis returning as a full-time regular and Cerf as a semi-regular until his death in 1971. (And Wally Bruner called everyone by their first names.)

    Garry Moore of I've Got a Secret
    Considerably less formal, and with a format elastic enough to accommodate young viewers on occasion, was the second of these Goodson-Todman panel shows to premiere: I've Got a Secret, which kicked off in 1952. Garry Moore, a variety show host CBS loved for his ability to connect with the audience, was tapped this time as host. It wasn't unusual for the informal Moore to show up in the studio with a butt goin', even years after Winston Cigarettes dropped their sponsorship. The regular panel was usually game show host Bill Cullen, actress Betsy Palmer, Henry Morgan (the David Letterman of old time radio and a favorite of mine from that era), and former Miss America Bess Myerson.

    Right: former Beatle Pete Best.
    This format was a lot less formal: the panel had to guess a secret that was whispered into Moore's ear as the studio audience saw the super on the monitors and we saw it at home. During the era I was born, one of those secrets came from Pete Best, whose secret...was that he used to be a Beatle, having been replaced by Ringo just before the Fab Four hit it big.

    This had the most straight-forward and least gimmicky premise of any of the three; you simply had to guess something about the person. The panelists had to ask yes or no questions, but didn't lose a turn with each "no," and there was none of that "Three down and seven to go" business on this show. There were no gimmicks (except for the "secret whispering) but there were stunts, demonstration segments, and times Moore would hold up pictures or maps or play a little film.

    One couple was flown to the show for a secret that they have a large number of children. But the secret was changed at the last minute: it turns out while the husband was watching a ballgame in New York that day, the wife was flown to Bermuda for lunch, and that was the secret that even the husband didn't know. Another time, Moore actually pulled a young man off the street, for his secret. ("Garry Moore just went outside and pulled me off the street"...yes, the show was that flexible.) A show with Lucille Ball as the guest panelist featured a 96 year old man who was the last known surviving member of the Ford's Theater audience the night President Abraham Lincoln got assassinated. He was a five year old boy who didn't see or hear the shooting, but actually saw assassin John Wilkes Booth grab the American flag and jump onto the stage, hurting himself, only a few feet away from where he was sitting. And a Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong had a secret that their son, Neil, had been selected to be in NASA's astronaut program that day. Moore actually asked the proud parents about the possibility their son might even be on the moon one day.


    There wasn't a regular "mystery guest" segment either, but the final segment usually involved a celebrity with a secret of their own. It could be a personal one, but was usually a setup for a stunt. One night, for instance, Vivian Vance's secret was that she wanted to introduce a new game--a guessing game in which you had to guess a word with only the help of other, one-word clues. Sure enough, she was helping Goodson-Todman try out a prospective game show format that the television world would later know as Password. Another time, Harpo Marx showed up with a secret...that he wasn't even Harpo. It was actually his brother Chico dressed as Harpo, and the two looked alike otherwise. That one stumped the panel. (Their brother Groucho was supposedly nixed from being a guest on the show on another occasion, because sponsor Winston Cigarettes didn't want him showing up with his cigar.)

    And despite the lack of a "mystery guest," there were instances where panelists had to wear blindfolds...and one such round was played during the show that aired the Monday night before I was born, January 13, 1964.

    "Good evening, this is Carol Channing, and this is I've Got a Secret!" the venerable Broadway actress says to open the show. (I'm disappointed she didn't say "I'm Carol Channing and I've got a secret!"). Announcer John Cannon then says, "Live from New York here is I've Got a Secret, starring Garry Moore!" followed by a sponsor billboard for Toni hair and beauty products.

    As Moore arrives on stage, he's carrying something and accompanying a production staff member, Judy Crichton. He references the previous week's guest, a man who was once paddled by his school teacher back in grade school. Only thing was, that teacher was now President Lyndon Johnson, who was watching that night and invited him to the White House. This follow-up moment shows a still of teacher and pupil being reunited in the Oval Office, a trip which Crichton made as well. So, if you're keeping track, that's now two Goodson-Todman panel shows that were appointment viewing for LBJ. I have no idea if he ever watched To Tell the Truth.

    Bess Myerson of I've Got a Secret
    Moore then introduces the "political bigwigs" on the panel: "budget director" Cullen, who hosts The Price is Right; guest panelist, comedienne Phyllis Diller, who Moore describes as "Speaker of the House," filling in for Palmer. Moore introduces Morgan as the show's "goodwill ambassador, I think his last assignment was Panama," getting an especially big laugh as does Morgan's follow-up, "We all make mistakes." (This is a reference to the Panama Canal "Martyr Riots" of 1964, which broke out just days earlier.) Lastly, Moore introduces Myerson as "the People's Choice."

    Phyllis Diller guesting on I've Got a Secret

    Moore's banter with Diller is a point for her to plug her book, "Phyllis Diller Tells All About Fang." "Is Fang your dog?" Moore asks, about a still-new joke that became a baby-boomer icon associated with the comedienne. "That's my husband, what else would you call a man with one tooth that's two inches long?" she explains to a big laugh. "We call him Kukla!" Moore responds.

    Moore brings out the first contestant, William Willis, of New York,  and his secret is what he was doing on his 70th birthday. "I sailed a raft across the Pacific Ocean, ALONE!" the on-screen super tells us as the heavily bearded man whispers in Moore's ear.

    Bill Cullen starts his round of questioning with, "I know what you were not doing on your birthday, shaving!" (Cullen's ad-libbing ability is perhaps the most underrated in television history.) Cullen gets it out of the man that what he did was unusual for a 70th birthday, or unusual for anyone, and not more likely for a woman.


    Phyllis Diller is able to narrow his secret down to water, warm and not ice cold, and not freshwater; she was able to find out he didn't swim and didn't save a life except his own. Henry Morgan was able to rule out waterskiing, asking "Am I warm?" "Not on a night like this," Moore replies, referring to the blizzard conditions Johnny Carson also made fun of that week. "I have a slight case of pneumonia, I didn't know if I was going to die from smoking or this," Morgan replied. (By the way, I'm struck by the fact that this show airing live allowed so many topical references. The 2016 revival of To Tell the Truth was actually taped a full year before it aired...not that I'm disappointed at not hearing any gorilla-killing jokes or anything.)


    Bess finally guesses that he was on a vessel, then narrows it down to a raft, but the buzzer at the end of her round beats her. Moore explains Willis sailed 7,500 miles across the Pacific Ocean, bringing himself ashore in Samoa only after his rudders failed. Moore explains Willis took his first ocean voyage from Germany, around Cape Horn, to America in 1908; jumped ship, and explored America. Moore shows his most recent voyage on a map, starting in Peru, on the raft "Age Unlimited. He says the toughest part is the solitude, and since he got word recently the rudders in Samoa have been repaired, he will soon head back there to resume and complete his journey...which he also did when he turned 60.

    After a commercial break, we return to see an unusually blindfolded panel. Moore then welcomes "Miss X" (two young girls and a young boy) with their secret: "Our mother is Phyllis Diller."

    After finding out they are not "wearing something odd," Morgan says "Oh boy!" He deduces whoever is speaking is using their (her, it's Phyllis' oldest daughter) actual voice, not speaking through anything but a harsh whisper, before the buzzer sounds. Myerson asks if the blindfolds imply these are recognizable people, and is told they might be, "by some on the panel." She also finds out they're not well known in show business, then asks, "Are you someone that we would know personally? Are we acquainted with you?" "Partly," she's told. After her 30 second turn ends and the buzzer sounds, Moore tells her she and Morgan can remove their blindfolds but don't say anything to the other panelists.

    "Putting two and two together, I pass," says Cullen, not wanting to be the smartass who guesses it before Diller even has a chance. Then Diller comes up with a hilarious guess: "Is the secret the fact that in this blizzard you have no clothes on?" After a laugh and a "no," Diller then notices, "Her breath is so bad, I can hear her breath," in regard to the sound of her daughter's whisper, then asks, "Would I know you? Is it one of my kids?"

    Specifically, it's son Harry, and daughters Stephanie and Sue Diller, three of her five children with the other two "tied up with projects." "They thought you might be a little nervous," Moore explains. Cullen then says the reason he passed is because he thought it might be either his own wife, "Fang" or the children. "I thought they were doing their paper routes," said Diller, but it turns out they came in from St. Louis "just before the storm."


    Speaking of the storm, when the next segment begins, Carol Channing is back. She had just come straight from rehearsals for what would turn out to be her iconic, forthcoming Broadway role, "Hello Dolly," in which she plays a matchmaker. (I love these little bits of history.) But that apparently took some effort, and Moore says about a third of the audience couldn't make it to the live broadcast that night due to the snow conditions.

    In honor of Channing's matchmaker role, she unveils a group of ladies sitting on bleachers, while their husbands are backstage. One will be blindfolded and will describe his wife, and the panel will try to see if they can spot her.

    The first man is hilariously candid in a way that would portend yet another future game show, The Newlywed Game, in a couple of years. He describes his wife as having a "pudgy nose, that looks a little like a strawberry," an "Irish, mick-looking face" (yikes at the language), and says "When she smiles, it's wonderful," but says she doesn't smile much "except for payday or something like that." The audience roars and I cringe.

    The guy wins $100 if Cullen correctly guesses, and it goes down when another panelist has to take a turn. But Cullen correctly guesses #18, saying "I'm looking for the one who looks madder than anyone else." Moore eggs it on: as the guy leaves for backstage, Moore says, "Wait right after the show, and your wife will come out and hit you right in the mouth."

    The second guy describes his wife of 27 years as 5'7" 135 pounds, "130 she would say," then says "someone like Hedy Lamarr."

    "Ooh, there's someone making brownie points for himself," Moore says. The guy further describes his wife's hair as "dark tinged with gray," and says she has a "pert nose."



    Phyllis Diller says she missed most of that description because "Bill's been telling me a dirty joke," getting a huge laugh. She guesses "I think this gentleman is married to 12, 13 and 19, and maybe going out with 5," but misses it when she narrows it down to 19. (She's actually #13, in fact. Her humor, by the way, gives us a hint as to what this show would've looked like in a more raucous era, like the 1970s Match Game.)  So the poor guy then describes her clothing, black dress, red, maroon and black striped jacket (which she's not wearing), "earrings that are rather pinkish" to Henry Morgan, who misses. They run out of time, for this segment, and just to emphasize that this is a live broadcast, Moore misses his cue as the curtain closes and a commercial break comes up.

    Moore would leave both I've Got a Secret and The Garry Moore Show at the end of the 1963-64 season, and would be replaced on Secret by Mr. Breadbox himself, Steve Allen, for the final three years of the show's run.


    I've Got a Secret was the simplest format of the three shows and relied to two things--the collective personality of its host and panel, and the truly great stories that came with the guests. If there was ever a non-news show in history that proved the old journalism school adage, "Everybody has a story," even if it's "Garry Moore just pulled me off the street," it would be this show.

    From there we go to a much more involved panel show with more moving parts, and even an elevated stage. And it had three contestants at a time--one with a remarkable story, and two who just lied about it. To Tell the Truth was the last of the big three to premiere, and the only one of them to have a five-day-a-week network daytime version. It's also the show whose rounds began in the most dramatic fashion: with all three guests appearing first in silhouette, then identifying themselves all by the same name.

    "One of these ladies is a housewife who recently made international headlines," begins announcer Johnny Olsen, as he then asks, "What is your name please?"

    "My name is Jerri Mock," "My name is Jerri Mock," "My name is Jerri Mock," they each respond, one at a time.

    "Only one of these ladies is the real Jerri Mock," Olsen continues. "The other two are imposters and will try to fool this panel, Tom Poston, Peggy Cass, Orson Bean and Kitty Carlisle, on To Tell the Truth with your host, Bud Collyer!"

    The smiling, bow-tied Collyer walks over and takes his seat at his particular podium, welcomes everyone to the show, and holds up a jar (it came in jars back then) of that week's sponsor's product, Easy Off Oven Cleaner. The avuncular Clayton "Bud" Collyer started his career in radio soaps but had one of the most memorable roles in that era: the title role in the 15 minute daily serial of Superman. When he took a break from the show, the writers invented the idea that Superman was trapped under a steel door for days. Why? Because it turned out, Kryptonite, a material from his home planet, made him weak. That was actually worked into the canon of the comics and it still part of the Superman lore to this very day.

    On television, we know Collyer, thanks to those GSN reruns, not only as the man who presides over seven different people at a time on To Tell the Truth, but the friendly and energetic man who worked, and ran all over the place, with the couples competing on the original version of Beat the Clock (another Goodson-Todman classic whose reruns got a new life on GSN).

    Not one to be an air hog, Collyer quickly gets into the show, telling the panelists to open their envelopes as he reads out loud the affidavit contained inside.

    "Recently I took a months vacation from my husband and children," he quotes the real Jerri Mock as saying as a camera pans over the contestants. "Alone in our eleven year old family airplane, I flew some 23,000 miles. In so doing, I become the first woman in history to fly an airplane completely around the world. Signed, Jerri Mock." The three women, who were standing on an elevated stage, walk downstairs to their three seats. They will be peppered with questions that are not restricted to "yes or no" answers by four panelists who are especially good at interrogating them, as if they're making sure their stories are straight. In fact that was the whole premise of the show, as if the three were "on the stand" in the courtroom. So the questioning was sharper and keeping up with them would be more skillful on both sides. (The celebrity panel and panel of contestants sat across from each other with Collyer between them, the only one of the three panel shows set up this way. On the other two, the host and single challenger directly faced the four-person panel.)

    Kitty Carlisle of To Tell the Truth
    Kitty Carlisle, an actress and singer, who did everything from a Marx Brothers movie to the Metropolitan Opera, stamped her character on the show as a regular panelist and appeared on every remake through her one-day appearance on the John O'Hurley version in 2000, and he treated her like visiting royalty. If things seemed proper and highly dignified on What's My Line? because of John Charles Daly, they seemed elegant and high class on To Tell the Truth mainly because of Kitty Carlisle.

    "Now I know why I couldn't get Jerrie Mock for my daytime show!" Carlisle exclaims, as she begins her questioning. She gets #3 to say the trip took 29 days, #2 to say she wore dresses in flight, and #1 to say she stopped 21 times in 29 days, had a layover, and never ran out of fuel.

    Tom Poston, comedian and former Steve Allen Show "Man on the Street" regular (who I will always think of as George the handyman from Newhart), asks #2 about another pilot who attempted to fly Amelia Earhardt's ill-fated route, and #3 about the most dangerous leg of the Earhardt flight. The show's resident encyclopedia, Peggy Cass--who appeared on all To Tell the Truth versions through the 1990 revival and was once one of Jack Paar's regulars on The Tonight Show--asks #2 what type of aircraft she flew, which is the first question I would have asked, actually. (It was a Cessna 180.) She got #1 to say the plane never broke down and #3 to say the layover in Bermuda had nothing to do with getting a suntan and everything to do with the weather being bad, in fact. She also discussed how long it took her to fly over the Pacific.

    Orson Bean, a classmate of Peggy Cass and veteran character actor, asked about #2 "fighting off the sheiks" and others in Arabia, because they would be "only too anxious to get their hands on a nice American lady with her own plane." "They kept waiting for a man to get out of the plane," she replied. Bean asks #3 who cleaned and cooked while she was away, and it was her mother-in-law.

    Tom Poston on To Tell the Truth
    A bell ends each turn and a repeated bell means questioning for the entire round has ended. The panelists write down their votes, and the three split $250 for each incorrect vote.

    Tom Poston has a weird explanation for voting for #2, saying he was just sorry that Kitty didn't get her turn, When reminded that she did (she actually started the questioning, in fact), he says, "Oh, I must've had another reason." (That sounds like something George Utley would've said.) Peggy Cass voted for #1 because of times she stopped in Pacific, saying it took her 29 days just to get across...in a boat (as Orson has her clarify). Orson Bean goes with #3, saying she has a "pretty All-American look, and when they make the film I think Doris Day will get the part." Kitty Carlisle goes with #3 because she says she stayed over in Bermuda for six days and has a suntan.

    Now that the votes are in, Collyer asks the question that is one of television's most remembered and beloved catchphrases:"Will the real Jerri Mock please stand up?" After all three pretend to shift around as they're getting up, it's #3 who turns out to be the real Jerri Mock. However, she clarifies Kitty's last point, "But it did rain in Bermuda, I didn't get a bit of suntan there!"

    The other two are Lynn Dikes, who works for the Yellow Pages, and Mildred Whitlock, director of hospital volunteers at a hospital in Carlisle's hometown of New Orleans.

    The next contestant is perfect for an era when James Bond is starting to make himself known in the nation's movie theaters and just before spy shows become a "thing" on TV: spy thriller novelist David Cornwell a/k/a John Le Carre, a favorite of my dad's. Oh, and two imposters.

    "I, David Cornwell, am a former England schoolmaster and a former member of the British foreign service," says Collyer, reading his affidavit. and goes on to say his third book is at the top of the best seller list and is being made into a movie, "The Spy Who Came in From the Cold." Seeing this described as if it were something new and current is a nostalgic treat for a pop culture history nerd like myself.

    Peggy Cass of To Tell the Truth
    Peggy Cass says she read the book, and "It's peachy, I was really crazy about it!" She asks #3 about George Smiley, the hero from Le Carre's first two novels who briefly appears in "Spy," and gets #2 to name the first two novels. She's able to get #3 to confirm the significance of June 4th, a celebration day in the English down of Eden where the novels are set. She asks the name of the hero of "The Spy Who Came in From the Cold" and is told by #2 it's Alec Leamas. Orson Bean asks #1 about Dr. Morlock, a character in a Sherlock Holmes novel; when he asks #2 about Irving Winespar, gets a complete blank. He asks #3 about "Spy" "taking place in a war," to which #3 says "I take it you haven't read it, then."

    Kitty Carlisle asks #1 about the studio producing the movie (he says Paramount), and asks #2 who will play the lead in the film (he says Burt Lancaster; obviously we now know it was Richard Burton). She asks #2 about his pen name and gets an amusing answer, that it "has connotation in English of being square which I find amusing." Tom Poston asks #2, "Which side of the river is Eden on?" and is told it's on the right, facing downstream.

    After the panelists mark their ballots, they all go with the same person, something Collyer says they haven't done in awhile. Poston says he went with #3 because #2 was wrong about the location of Eden on the river, and the other two "knew too much." Cass chose #3 because he "gave his answers tersely like they were in the secret service." Orson Bean's explanation is great: "Number two didn't know who Irving Winespar is, and number one didn't have that twinkle in his eyes that most writers have, number three looks like the kind of guy who can sit in the den, and yell at his wife to keep her out all day." He said #3 looked like a writer. (And I have no clue who the hell Irving Winespar is, I even Googled that name and still couldn't find out.) Kitty Carlisle had a great explanation as well, saying, "When he told Orson he hadn't read his book, he spoke with the authority of authors whose books haven't been read."

    The real John Le Carre, standing up
    They were all wrong. David Cornwell was #1, and like true secret agents, he and one of the imposters stumped the panel. The others were James Marshall, who ran an auto leasing firm and Peter Hodgkins (the one who got everyone's votes and commented on Bean not reading the book, one of the best pieces of game show bluffing I've ever seen), who ran something that sounded in the audio like "American Islands Seal Company." The spy author who came in from the cold and his imposters each got $1,000 plus a fine package of Easy Off products.

    There's a third game in this show, and this time it's "Killer" Joe Piro, dance instructor to the upper class who taught ballroom dancing to a half million pupils, including Shirley Booth, Arthur Schlesinger, Margot Fonteyn, Eva Gabor, and the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. He's credited with introducing the mamba and the pachanga, to America, and is described in the affidavit as an expert on the watusi, surf, hitchhike, wobble, mashed potato, chicken back, and the frug. (Man I picked a great show to watch for this article.)

    Tom Poston says "Only he would have the nerve to teach dancing to Dame Margot Fonteyn!" Then he disqualifies himself because he thinks he knows him. His disqualification will count as an "incorrect" vote. Peggy Cass asks #3 if the mashed potato is hard to do and is told no, then asks #2, "Is the chicken back anything like the Madison?" "No, it's a little busier," she's told. "The Madison is busy enough for me!" she responds. She asks #2 about the frug, "Can you do it alone?" and is told you can or with a partner. She's told by #3 you should stand away from your partner if you're doing the surf as opposed to touching your partner.

    Orson Bean of To Tell the Truth
    Orson Bean asks #1 if "frug" is pronounced with a short "u" or long "u". "Carefully pronounced either way," he's told, to a nice audience chuckle. He asks #2 the difference between the chicken back and frug. The answer he gets is that in the chicken back, "you're shaking your behind a little bit...more or less stationary." He asks #1 about whether the hully gully is a line dance and asks the same of #2 about the Madison. He asks #3, perhaps rhetorically, "Why is it you always see two girls dancing together but you never see two guys? (audience laugh) I mean you know, if I wanted to ask Tom out tonight..." Poston is heard saying, "Because you always want to lead!"

    Kitty Carlisle asks #3, which dance do you look "like you have a wooden leg," and is told the merengue. She gets #2 to say Arthur Schlesinger is 5'5", and tells #3 he taught Margot Fonteyn the twist and several others to take back, saying after "one lesson and she knew them all." Number two tells her if she wants to learn one quickly, the easiest is the frug.

    Poston, who disqualified himself, just plugs the show's producers by writing "G/T" on the card. Cass chooses #3, saying "just sitting there I can tell he's got a natural set of rhythm." Bean also goes with 3, saying he "reminds me of George Raft, who was a great ballroom dancer, and someone once told me, when George Raft gets all dressed up he looks like a stolen car." (Wow, that was pretty good.) Kitty Carlisle follows her fellow panelists, saying "I think they're all marvelous," but #3 looks like he'd be called "Killer Joe" and "I think I'd like a dance with him."


    "Killer Joe" is in fact, #3 (Carlisle passes on her chance to dance with him, saying she needs more lessons) and by request, he stands between the panels, under a spotlight, and demonstrates some of his dance moves. We hear the song "Having a Party," which mentions a bunch of those dances in the lyrics, and I don't know who's singing it but it doesn't sound like Sam Cooke's version. As for the other two, one is Bobby Lloyd, TV announcer for WHEZ-TV in Rochester, New York, and the other is Jules Field, co-owner of the Gas Light Clubs.

    This prime time edition of To Tell the Truth would meet its demise, just like the other two, at the end of the 1966-67 season, but still outlasted the other two because its CBS daytime version didn't leave the air until 1968. It's the only one of the three that has any episodes from its CBS run preserved on videotape (as opposed to kinescope) and has any color episodes that exist.

    By the end of 1969, however, Line? and Truth would be revived in syndicated, five day a week formats, just in time for the FCC to order the networks to give a half hour in early evening back to their affiliates. As a result, both of these revivals were immediately successful, especially the Moore-hosted Truth which was a runaway hit.

    Having now seen all of these back to back to back, here are some takeaways:

    1.  New York is a big part of each show. The Broadway scene flavors the personality of all three and not only brings a certain level of guest but a certain level of arts awareness. I wonder how it would have played out in the eras of Andrew Lloyd Weber, Disney or "Hamilton."

    A Hollywood version of What's My Line? still wouldn't be a total disaster on that one quality alone...but it still might be a different show. But then again, why? ABC's 2016 revivals of Match Game and Pyramid were actually shot in New York. It's not like it just can't be done anymore.

    2. There's a reason these panelists have to be such eggheads. We get to play along at home with To Tell the Truth, trying to guess along with the panelists, but on the other two shows, the secret/line is revealed unless you want to slap your hand over your face at the right time. And you still can't do that with the mystery guest on What's My Line?

    And precisely because you can't (necessarily) play along at home, the fun is pretty much watching other people play the game. And if you're doing that, no one wants to hear a celebrity ask one stupid question after another and desperately fall back on their one-liners and loud "personality" to try to cover for it. These are learned people--Cerf was a publisher, Carlisle and Francis actually had interview shows, Kilgallen was a relentless journalist and didn't leave those skills by the stage door, and Bean, Cass and Cullen were just eggheads who knew a little about a lot of things. And they all had sharp wit, which goes out the window with some reality show star trying too hard. Perhaps all of this is a holdover from the days of Information Please.

    Bill Cullen on I've Got a Secret
    3. We've come to expect certain formats with these games...but even back in the day, the producers were never satisfied and always tinkering. The earliest years of What's My Line? included a "free guess" round to see if the panelists could guess an occupation on looks alone, but that was later dropped. The 1970s version had a physical "Who's Who?" round in which the panelists scurried around to match four people standing on the stage with signs describing their occupations. (The 1970s version also ladled in the demonstration segments from I've Got a Secret.) The Nothing But the Truth pilot included an audience vote that counted as a fifth vote for the contestants. That was dropped when the renamed To Tell the Truth made it to air, but in the later CBS years, a non-binding audience poll was brought back, technology now having allowed that to be more easily processed.

    Still, just as ABC gave us the exact 2016 Match Game most people have come to expect (based on the 1970s version; the 1960s version is still so unrecognizable by today's audiences it would probably have to be called something else if that format were ever revived), we've come to at least expect a certain outline of all three games, and we usually get it, give or take a few tweaks. For all the weird ornaments hung on the 2016 revival of To Tell the Truth, they actually brought back the elevated stage of the Collyer years, and the audience yelling out who they think is the real person appears to be borrowed from the late 1960s audience polling. Even the way the "real" contestant stands up as the others pretend to get up, is now done to more dramatic effect, even with music. (And I still agree, guessing which of the two remaining imposters is associated with another story isn't a bad innovation.)

    4. The panels, of course, were unfortunately not very diverse (give or take a few guest panelists). But the shows, Line? especially, at least gets points for having diverse guests when it probably wasn't very "fashionable." Mystery guests ranged from Marian Anderson to Muhammad Ali (more than once).

    Henry Morgan of I've Got a Secret
    5. These shows apparently vary wildly in whether you can bring them back in a new era. Two of these shows have come back repeatedly.

    I've Got a Secret came back, Steve Allen and all, for a weekly syndicated version in the 1972-73 season, then for a four-episode summer revival promoting Bill Cullen to host in 1976. (I thought it was telling that the 1972 version looked like it picked up where the CBS version left off, while the 1976 version had a blinking neon sign of a logo denoting the 1950s nostalgia of the Happy Days era. Just three or four years could be a near eternity between game shows of that period.) Stephanie Miller hosted a revival on the Oxygen network in 2000, notable for scrapping all the panels and desks in favor of an apartment living room-type set, while Bil Dwyer hosted an especially well-received version on GSN in 2006 featuring an all-openly-gay panel. Secret always had the least detailed and most adaptable format of any of the "Big Three" so like all great game shows, it was suitable for a comeback.

    To Tell the Truth, with its rather exciting format and great stories behind each game, had even more comebacks. First there was the five-a-week version hosted by Garry Moore (and later, Joe Garogiola) from 1969 to 1978, then a 1980-81 syndicated revival. NBC brought the show to its daytime lineup in 1990 (making it the only one of the three not only to air in network daytime but to come back in that setting), and another syndicated version airing in 2000-2001. The most recent version aired on ABC for six shows in the summer of 2016.

    But as for What's My Line? After the version that introduced me to the game that ran five days a week in syndication from 1968 to 1975, there have been multiple, unaired, unsold pilots that were produced from 1981 to 2014. So, those of us fans have been disappointed, waiting impatiently for an on-air revival since the administration of President Gerald Ford (himself a one-time WML? guest, as were his two successors, Jimmy Carter and Reagan, all before they became president).

    It seems fitting that the remake that did take off, with the heavy Broadway influence and vision on the original CBS show, was, itself, a stage version, premiering in Los Angeles in 2004 and moving to New York in 2008. Real mystery guests like George Wendt and Lisa Loeb played, as did a few from the original series.

    And perhaps it's the seeming, out of date politeness and high-class gamesmanship, in a world populated by younger generations who are offended if they aren't offended, that makes it harder to bring that particular show back. If you want something, you want it to work and you want it to be right. It's not that a sillier, more raucous panel would be "sacrilege." Bennett Cerfs don't come around every day, you know. (They didn't even back then.) They just need to know how to play the game and be committed to it, competitive like Dorothy Kilgallen but with the charm and humility of Arlene Francis. Once upon a time, before the swooshing lights and dramatic music and big prizes that became the norm briefly in the late 1990s and early 2000s and still inform the way new game show sets are built in the LED era, a simple parlor game was all we needed, and it was entertaining as hell. There's no reason it can't happen again...correctly.

    Availability: The three I reviewed for this blog all came from YouTube. All known extant episodes of What's My Line? are there, courtesy the What's My Line? YouTube channel,  including a long lost but now rediscovered October 1950 episode exclusive to that channel. A number of To Tell the Truth episodes are also on YouTube, including more than 200 courtesy the To Tell The Truth YouTube channel, and a number of I've Got a Secret shows can be found on the site as well from various users. Plus, reruns of some episodes of all three shows appear on the Buzzr classic game show channel.
    Next time on this channel: The Hollywood Palace.

    This blog is a member of the Classic TV Blog Association.

    http://classic-tv-blog-assoc.blogspot.com/

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  2. The Greatest Generation of 8-Balls

    McHale's Navy didn't invent the military comedy...just the war comedy. And its roots were surprisingly dark.




    McHale's Navy, "The Balloon Goes Up"
    OB: Tuesday, January 14, 1964, 8:30 p.m. EST, ABC
    This episode first aired the day I was born.

    "Somewhere in the Pacific in 1943, the tide of war had turned," the dramatic newsreel announcer intones, backing up footage of U.S. warships. "The American forces, led by the largest navy in history, were preparing to meet the embattled enemy."

    Viewers that October premiere week in 1962 might have been surprised to suddenly see a World War II documentary on ABC that night, perhaps scratching their heads over whether ABC acquired the rights to NBC's Victory at Sea and chose a weird time to air it.

    "Millions of men, thousands of ships, made ready for this great offensive. And in the island of Taratupa, in the heart of the South Pacific, the men of PT Boat 73 under Lt. Commander Quinton McHale, had more than their share of hazardous missions," leads us into our first glimpse at the most famous PT boat in sitcom history. After the first 30 seconds invents the "docucomedy" and paves the way for Reno 911!, The Office and Modern Family, we then see a more dramatic scene where the crew is trying to make the boat go faster. "What do they feed this thing, malted milk?" "How's the skipper doing?" "I don't think he's going to make it."

    We then get our first ever glimpse of Lt. Commander McHale (Ernest Borgnine): holding onto a water ski rope with one hand and drink in the other, and wearing a straw hat. (This was a full 17 years before we saw something like this in the more serious "Apocalypse Now.") And less then a minute into the show's first ever cold open, he wipes out and we get the show's first World War II pratfall. "You 8 ball," McHale bellows (another first--that was a catchphrase), "you ain't sober enough to row in Central Park!"

    Welcome to a rare television breed: the first ever wartime comedy.

    This was the night, October 11, 1962, when McHale's Navy made its debut as a regular series on ABC. The timing was a rather interesting one for warships to be parading across America's TV screens: just 11 days later, President Kennedy (himself a former PT boat commander) would be live on TV, describing real, modern day warships blockading Cuba following the discovery of Soviet missile sites. But for this night, we were being taken back to World War II in a way two other debuting series of that setting--Combat! and The Gallant Men--wouldn't do, as a comedy, with a laugh track and sight gags, including a few even before the first set of opening credits.

    By the time McHale's Navy arrived, the "greatest generation" was starting to inhabit advertising and network programming suites, and they were also watching at home. The way had already been paved by the legendary Phil Silvers Show (which shared actors, writers and a producer, Edward Montagne) and a CBS navy sitcom, Hennessey, starring Jackie Cooper. The later show actually left that network the year McHale premiered. And there may have been inspiration from a Broadway musical and movie: think of McHale's Navy as "South Pacific with a lot fewer nurses and a lot fewer songs, and no color." Not to mention another 1950s World War II naval comedy, "Mister Roberts."

    But those earlier TV sitcoms were peacetime comedies, something that made the gambling, con artistry and other shenanigans of the otherwise bored Sgt. Bilko and his men very understandable. This was different: McHale's wasn't just a military comedy. For the first time, jokes, pratfalls and the titters of a laugh track would all be set in a war zone, just as a real war zone was popping up on our TVs for the first time, from Southeast Asia. We had once thought that kind of thing was sacred, apparently, but not by the time the early 1960s rolled around. It still wasn't an anti-war sitcom as its spiritual descendant, M*A*S*H, would be. But it was most definitely anti-military.

    I was a latecomer to this show. Based on what I could see when I watched TV or perused TV listings in other cities and other states (like, when we went on vacation in Florida or visited family or friends in Atlanta) in the 1970s, apparently it was a staple at most independent TV stations that filled their schedules with reruns and film noirs, and the occasional weird game show no one else wanted like Diamondhead.  And they showed McHale and Sgt. Bilko, of course, sometimes even back to back.


    But where we lived the only "indie" we could pick up was WTCG, Channel 17 in Atlanta, which it just so happened did not carry the show. So in another one of those weird "when I was born" flukes, I got to know the crew of PT-73 in Technicolor--through two theatrical films, "McHale's Navy" and "McHale's Navy Joins the Air Force" before I ever saw their regular black and white series. I only caught the show in an occasional clip, like on ABC's 25th anniversary special in 1978, but it wasn't until WTTO, Channel 21 signed on as Birmingham's first totally independent station that I was able to point the round UHF antenna on my small black and white Sanyo in the direction where I could see complete episodes.

    And that's a shame. I have a special connection with this show: after all, a new episode aired the day I was born. In fact the first movie, "McHale's Navy," came out that same birth year.

    What I found was a show whose jokes and gags were like shells in an actual naval engagement: they could leave a mark when they hit, but they were plenty of misses as well. I found myself chuckling about two thirds of the time, with the other third maybe rolling my eyes a bit, like when McHale says "The cat's out of the bag now," and Parker says "Oh I'm sure it's around here somewhere. Here, kitty kitty kitty!" (Parker's hyper-literalism was a running joke.) But I still smiled even at those. The idea of jokes in a war setting may have seemed outrageous and disrespectful at one time, but by the early 1960s the Pentagon made for a surprisingly good straight man. Plus the show had a stellar, committed cast that made even the most groan-worthy lines sing. In fact, the show seemed to be a tribute to character actors as much as it was to the sailors of World War II.

    In the title role, in fact, is one of the most beloved character actors of all time. Ernest Borgnine started out as a boxer but it was his own mother who told him he had enough presence to make it as an actor. Borgnine's breakout role was Sgt. "Fatso" Judson in 1953's "From Here to Eternity," establishing him as a go-to guy as heavies either in military movies or westerns. While filming one such movie, "Bad Day at Black Rock," in 1955, he tried out for, and got, a far more unlikely part, that of Marty Piletti in the movie "Marty." It was a big-budget movie that today, more likely, would have been an independent film, about a shy, humble butcher who lives with his mother but is ready to cut the apron strings and discover love. (And it was totally ripped off for its love story by, of all movies, the first Rocky.) Borgnine's sweet, down to earth and against-type performance made him that year's unlikely Oscar winner for Best Actor...beating out James Dean, James Cagney, Spencer Tracy and Frank Sinatra. He later appeared in a number of classics, like "The Dirty Dozen" (and its sequels) and "Ice Station Zebra," as well as the later TV series Airwolf, The Single Guy, and the one work my children will always know: Spongebob Squarepants. Among his many guest appearances: he helped usher in The Hollywood Squares as its first-ever center square in 1966; decades later he helped usher out ER by guest-starring in the series' last two episodes in 2009. Borgnine was still working, in fact, when he died in 2012 at age 95.

    In the first episode we see what looks at the outset to be an unholy match: an unmilitary crew that chews up and spits out naive, dedicated ensigns, and a new ensign who was such a screw up he once ran a destroyer into the docks at San Diego while it was still tied up. When Ensign Charles Parker first arrives, he falls off his boat, prompting laughs and jibes ("Tinker" Bell: If you keep throwing ensigns in the water they'll clog my intake valve again!). When Parker tries to get them up at reveille, they open fire with live ammunition, something McHale apparently condones. ("As long as my men do their job on missions, what they do in their spare time is their business, and that includes shooting ensigns!") A looming inspection helps them come to see this particular ensign has some integrity however, so chose to help him along by passing Captain Binghamton's inspection. Binghamton tells him at the end he's assigned to McHale's crew, and (in a perfect read of the line from the hilarious Joe Flynn), "That may not be a reward."

    Parker was apparently this show's version of Barney Fife, and he's played by the perfect man for the part, Tim Conway (who years later would actually make a few movies with Fife himself, Don Knotts). After actually serving in Korea, Conway worked in radio, then became a regular on The Steve Allen Plymouth Show. Of course you very likely know Tim Conway because of The Carol Burnett Show. He was such a frequent guest on her show, and worked so well especially with Harvey Korman (and cracked up Korman almost constantly in fact), that he eventually became a full time regular in 1975. His solo series almost never did so well, however; the post-McHale western spoof, Rango, and two different variety shows called The Tim Conway Show that aired ten years apart, came and went. But McHale put him on the map, Borgnine became his mentor, and the two of them became lifelong friends. And between Knotts, Borgnine and Korman, Conway became one of the most beloved second bananas in Hollywood.


    The foil for the two of them, and the rest of McHale's men, was the nasally Captain Wallace Binghamton, a base commander who didn't bark orders as much as he honked them like a goose or an old car. You got the feeling he got where he was not because of any exemplary leadership or heroism, but because he nagged and annoyed a lot of people along their way and they all wanted him off their backs.  "Cut that out!" and "Why me? Why always me?" were among his catchphrases, and Parker was always splashing or spilling something on his uniform by accident. In the first episode we find out his pre-war naval experience consisted of running a yacht club, explaining his rather snooty attitude and a complete inability to suffer fools.

    Binghamton was well-played by a character actor in the role of his lifetime, Joe Flynn. Himself an army veteran from World War II, Flynn had already been a regular on two other shows, The George Gobel Show and The Joey Bishop Show. He supposedly was fired from the latter for stealing too many scenes from the show's star, but that freed him up to get cast in McHale's Navy. I first got to know Flynn in a string of Disney movies in the late 1960s and early 1970s ("The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes," "The Strongest Man in the World" and others), and he had just finished voice work on "The Rescuers" when he died of a heart attack in his pool in 1974, at the surprisingly still young age of 49. (Most of the McHale cast actually lived a long time, in fact, and for years, could've held a reunion movie if they wanted, perhaps a "one last mission" thing spoofing Borgnine's "Dirty Dozen" films. I suspect one reason they never did is because no one could possibly replace Joe Flynn.)

    The rest of McHale's men included Quartermaster George "Christy" Christopher (Gary Vinson), radioman (and the guy who ran the still) Willy Moss (John Wright), torpedoman's mate and company wheeler and dealer Leslie Gruber (Carl Ballantine, who I first saw in the 1970s doing magic tricks in a Rice Krispies commercial), motor machinist "Tinker" Bell (Billy Sands, a Bilko veteran), gunner's mate (and the company's handsomest member and biggest Romeo) Virgil Edwards (Edson Stroll), and Seaman "Happy" Haines, giving some early nautical experience to actor Gavin MacLeod before he's promoted to captain 15 years later on another ABC series, The Love Boat.

    Binghamton had his own ensign, the eternally brown-nosing Lt. Elroy Carpenter, who, to emphasize that point apparently, was always literally bumping into Binghamton and denying his captain any personal space. He was played by Bob Hastings, also remembered as a bartender from All in the Family and for years, the Port Charles police chief on General Hospital.

    As the first few episodes spooled through the film chain at ABC central control, we would see what becomes the show's formula: the men of PT 73 may look like they're bored, goofing off or having an eternal party most of the time, but when an actual mission comes up they take everything seriously and are top-notch at what they do. (This is one of a number of tropes borrowed later by M*A*S*H.) The lone exception to all of this is Binghamton himself, however, who's apparently more obsessed with shoeshines and buttons (and McHale's men not completely wrecking the navy and single-handedly losing the war, to be fair) than he is actually fighting the Japanese. One of the few occasions he leads his men into battle, his "victory" consists of misfiring a torpedo...which then hits land and destroys an enemy supply truck.

    How good was the writing on the show? Well, let me put it this way: when I was in college I had to read a book for an American literature class, and its author wrote episode #4, "PT 73, Where are You?" That writer is listed as Joe Heller, but we knew him as Joseph Heller, author of "Catch-22" which is also about World War II. Some of the characters and tropes in that book wouldn't be out of place on the show...or in that particular episode, in which lover-boy Virgil has a serious bit of bad news to break to the lieutenant commander: "I lost the boat!" (One of my favorite lines of the entire series.)

    After seeing a few episodes, a formula starts to jump out that seems rather shocking for those still-simple, TV-couples-in-separate-beds days: the men often get involved in some major screw-up--I mean major, as in losing boats and (as we'll see) more, and even accidentally aiding the enemy. Usually either a spontaneous plan by McHale or some dumb luck bails them out, often even convincing Binghamton's commanders McHale is some kind of military genius who planned it that way all along. (Example: a fake PT boat designed as a decoy so the men could occasionally leave their post and help out residents of a nearby island with supplies; just as the admiral shows up and catches everyone, the fake boat draws fire from a Japanese zero which then gets shot down by the real PT 73.)  This trope would often turn up on almost all later military comedies, most notably on Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

    Before I get into the one that aired the night I was born, a word about episode guides: for McHale's Navy, they're all over the place. The one on IMdB at least gets the weeks right but the days wrong, having it come on the wrong night of the week that year. I actually had to check against the TV Guide listings from the day I was born, and double check the month's other episodes from the other weeks' listings, before I could conclude this episode actually did air as scheduled on the correct night. It's the 18th episode of the second season, "The Balloon Goes Up."
    It is written by Barry Blitzer and Ray Bender and directed by the show's house director, Sidney Lanfield.

    The "cold open" (many ABC shows premiering in that era had those) shows McHale in his office, playing a lonely game of Solitaire and being (once again) annoyed by Lt. Carpenter. But Carpenter has a surprise: a wire from headquarters that says Binghamton's being transferred to Admiral Rogers' staff, away from Taratupa and McHale. To say he's happy is to say the least.

    Carpenter: I've never worked for a more courageous, more inspiring...oh, take me with you, sir! Please!
    Binghamtom: Oh, get out of here!

    There's a quick celebration with McHale and Parker, with a toast that ends with Parker, naturally, spilling champagne on the captain. (Parker: Not everybody can hold their liquor, sir!)


    After the open, we see Gruber, the wheeler and dealer of the unit, at work. (This type of character would be Milo Minderbender in the book and movie "Catch-22," and Radar and Klinger on M*A*S*H.) He's negotiating with a beloved character, a Polynesian native named Urula, himself a businessman who seems to love money and unfettered capitalism.

    Urula, played by Jacques Aubuchon, is a rather interesting character, a white South Seas native with broken, Tarzan-style English. Perhaps he's from the same tribe as the old white man natives who would pop up a short time later on Gilligan's Island, or a spiritual cousin to the frontier, free-market-loving Indians on F Troop. He hilariously buys from and sells to anyone with a buck or a yen, and it's not unusual for him to turn his signs at "Urula's Discount Hut" around to show Japanese or English or the two countries' flags. I can't really decide if his portrayal of a native is politically incorrect...or one of television's earliest examples of political correctness itself.

     In their latest deal, Urulu is driving a hard bargain. ("Me no deal with cheapskates, we have Marines!") Gruber is trying to unload a barrage balloon he's been offering Urulu for weeks. Urulu finally makes a deal provided they throw in some C-rations. When McHale and Parker arrive with the news about Binghamton, Urulu claps his hands and says "Union!" and his fellow natives get out their instruments and start playing. Urulu is just as happy to see Binghamton gone as everyone else, even calling him "Ol' Leadbottom" (after Binghamton's rather unfortunate earlier battle wound) like everyone else does.

    Only there's one hitch: there has to be a base inventory before Binghamton can relinquish command. But everything can't be accounted for. In fact, there's $157,000.94 of stuff missing, and Binghamton is on the hook for all of it. And they have to find it quickly because Admiral Rogers wants him there immediately. (Admiral Rogers, by the way, is played by Roy Roberts; classic TV fans remember him for this role and that of Samantha's father on Bewitched.)

    Carpenter: What could've happened to it, sir?
    Binghamton: I'll tell you what happened, I'll tell you in one awful, sickening, horrible word what happened. (looking into the camera) McHale!

    The way Joe Flynn could shout McHale's name with such disgust was a brilliant piece of comic timing. Decades later, the 'bots would frequently imitate it on Mystery Science Theater 3000. And it was a natural place for a commercial break.

    Binghamton huddles with McHale to try to account for all the missing stuff.

    McHale: Maybe you mislaid it?
    Binghamton: Mislaid a bulldozer? Where would I put a thing like that, the filing cabinet?
    Parker: The filing cabinet sir?
    Binghamton: Yes, the thing over there--oh, the filing cabinet is gone too!

    But it's clearly in the interest of McHale and his men to help Binghamton's mission to keep failing upward.

    Binghamton: For once we're on the same side, I want out and you boys want me out!

    McHale and his men ("You pirates!") discuss getting back all the stuff that's been traded away or squirreled away strategically and they understand the seriousness of the situation. But they're reluctant, since going back on deals would put them out of business.


    Parker: We could be court martialed, shot! They could even write our mothers!

    ...or even more seriously, blowing their chance to get rid of Binghamton.

    We see Urulu negotiating with a Japanese officer, played by Mako--a utility actor who often popped up in different roles on this show, just as he often did later on M*A*S*H.  "Backscratchers! Always backscratchers!" Urulu tells him. "We want swords!" He actually talks him into taking the white elephant, the "secret weapon" barrage balloon.

    After the mandatory sign flippage--even flipping over a record on a turntable, from traditional Japanese music to American military music (playing both sides is apparently such a cottage industry it even has its own syndicate of in-store music)--Urulu welcomes the PT 73 crew, who now need all of their stuff back.

    Urula: No no no , I not give, I rent it back, say five dollars a day plus breakage insurance? Take it or leave it.

    McHale tells Parker to hand him the five bucks (another running joke, it's always Parker who has to shell out).

    Then in the next scene, they're collecting all the stuff they managed to lose, including a machine gun, a bulldozer tire, an airplane turret cover, a bathtub (and stopper), even an entire plane towed by a jeep. And there's an anchor.

    "Tinker" Bell: Oh incidentally skipper, you better alert headquarters, one of our destroyers is drifting out to sea.

    Then Fuji, their houseboy, walks up in trunks and a snorkeling mask, dragging up a torpedo.

    A word about Fuji: played by Yoshio Yoda, Fuji was a Japanese soldier who was captured, but the men were concerned he would be turned over to the Japanese, then executed or put in a prison camp, so they kept him as their PW. They allowed him to live on base and work as their houseboy while hiding him from Binghamton (who actually does discover him in a season two episode, prompting some quick thinking from McHale). Fuji is a character who represents how far Asian Americans, and the Japanese in particular, have come in pop culture. While still somewhat racist by today's standards, Fuji is sympathetic but rather smart, and the men's relationship with him is something that couldn't possibly have happened in a movie or radio show actually made during the war. Even in the 1960s, the "greatest generation" of advertising executives were less than thrilled about working with the men they were taught were a ruthless enemy, how coming to America as representatives of companies like Panasonic and Toyota to do business. The fact that we see him humanized and portrayed sympathetically showed how far we had come up to that point; the fact that he was their "houseboy" (and, unrelated to Fuji, all the times Tim Conway would pretend to have a Japanese accent to fool Captain Binghamton over the radio) showed how far we still had to go.

    Binghamton is pleased to see the parade of items being brought back--even an entire plane, being towed by a jeep--but one important item is still missing: the barrage balloon. Worse yet, the admiral calls back and reports it's been sighted over an island captured by the Japanese. McHale barely talks himself and Parker out of an arrest with a promise to recover the balloon. After vowing to withstand all torture to give up his Japanese customers, Urulu quickly rolls over for ten bucks.


    So Urulu, McHale and his men all head to the Japanese base...where they find the barrage balloon floating, and for sale. It turns out the Japanese have their own trading post open for business. (I love how commerce is portrayed as such a universal language here, and it's not in a way that's flattering to free-market economics.)  Sure enough, the Japanese give up the balloon...for a watch Parker's mother gave him. "See you January white sale," Urulu says to the Japanese officer as he leaves.

    Carpenter and Binghamton are happily watching as PT 73 arrives towing the balloon. But as Parker unties it, it ends up taking him out to see, resulting in McHale and his men having to shoot it down (costing Binghamton a $4,000 balloon), and Parker landing in a tree.

    Binghamton: Look at it! Ruined! Shattered! Full of holes!
    Parker: No sir, captain, I'm fine! Not a scratch! Good as new!

    The epilogue shows the men in their sailor uniforms showing off how they patched up the balloon overnight, as Binghamton gets ready to leave. But Carpenter gets a quick message to him: Admiral Rogers has cancelled the transfer due to all of Binghamton's delays. A frustrated Binghamton gets his foot tangled in a balloon rope and himself starts drifting out to sea...this time upside down. He begs McHale to shoot, so McHale says, "All right boys! Target practice!"

    I'm struck by how packed with dialogue this show can be. I don't know if the writers came up with every word or (as I suspect with Flynn and Conway) there's some ad-libbing involved. I did notice that while Flynn and Conway get most of the pratfalls, Flynn seems to have the edge on the sight gags, and Conway is often called upon for funny voices. In several episodes he impersonates Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill, and at least once even impersonates FDR's dog.

    As I've mentioned, the show would later lend a lot of its ideas to M*A*S*H (did I also mention the still?), and the two had something else in common as well: darker source material. M*A*S*H was based on a novel and book that wasn't as anti-war as it was anti-doctor but McHale's Navy had even more bizarre origins. It began life as a 1961 episode of Alcoa Presents hosted by Fred Astaire...as a straight war drama.

    In fact, in this version (which I haven't seen but I'm relying on great descriptions on Wikipedia and at TV Party) it's actually very serious. Sure, the irreverence is still there--the men go pearl diving, sell moonshine to the natives and instead of Fuji, even have tropical island women waiting on them hand and foot. But there's a deeper, darker reason for it this time. On McHale's Navy it was simply boredom between missions, but in "Seven Against the Sea" there had actually been a devastating attack by the Japanese on the island and McHale had lost most of his men. The survivors, McHale included, were acting out of grief and trauma, and simply in self-preservation status as they waited to be rescued. Eventually McHale reconciles with his sense of duty as he hears of another coming Japanese attack.

    It's not known for sure why in the world ABC changed the show into a slapstick comedy between the airing of "Seven Against the Sea" and the actual series premiere. Perhaps it's because they wanted to try something different, having already slotted Combat! and The Gallant Men as straight dramas. But what it did do was pave the way for that rarest of sitcom tropes, the war comedy. There were so few of them--M*A*S*H, Hogan's Heroes, and at least two short-lived disasters--the 1970s CBS sitcom Roll Out (actually a pretty good idea for a show...about an all-black unit during World War II) and poorly done 1980 NBC entry, Six O'Clock Follies, about a team of newsmen broadcasting to service people in Vietnam over Armed Forces Television.

    Perhaps a polarized, war-weary nation isn't in the mood for any war comedies right now, or any anti-war comedies for that matter. And how soon is "too soon" for a comedy set against the War on Terror? We've already had one drama set in Iraq, Over There. Maybe we're not ready for those either?

    McHale's Navy made light of World War II even if it only meant to make light of the military. And after eleven years of seeing the Korean War portrayed on M*A*S*H and even longer watching Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan play out, it's the kind of thing that would be harder to watch now. We can still enjoy the reruns and DVDs and streamed episodes, and appreciate that it was filmed in another time (with good writers and masters of comedy and character acting). But as far as new episodes and new series go, McHale's Navy and its ilk is something we'll likely never see set sail for another mission, ever again. 

    Availability: Shout! Factory has released the entire series on DVD, and episodes are on Hulu and Youtube (Hulu obviously has the most consistently good video though). It's also in reruns on Antenna TV.
    Next time on this channel: the Goodson-Todman panel shows.

    This blog is a member of the Classic TV Blog Association.


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  3. In praise of a second banana's second run

    A look at how Lucy's sidekick blazed her own unlikely trail in television history.



    The Lucy Show, "Lucy Joins an Art Class"
    OB: January 13, 1964, CBS, 8:30 EST
    I was born the day after this episode first aired.

    This blog is part of the TV Sidekick Blogathon, hosted by the Classic TV & Film Cafe.


    I've mentioned before how when I was born made me discover true classic TV at awkward times. The first episodes of The Andy Griffith Show I ever saw were in color, and I knew Howard Sprague before I ever met Barney Fife. To me, Rod Serling was the curator of the Night Gallery before he ever became my guide to The Twilight Zone. I got to know Lassie as a forest ranger's dog before I ever realized she belonged to a boy...two, in fact. Dennis Weaver was the dad from Gentle Ben and then he was McCloud before anyone ever told me he was Chester, or had any connection to Dodge City. I didn't even know, in fact, there was a Chester (or a blacksmith played by Burt Reynolds, for that matter) on Gunsmoke. But I always knew there was a Festus.

    And by that same fluke, I somehow got to know Lucy Carmichael and Vivian Bagley before I even got to know Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz. I didn't even know there were any other men in their lives, in fact, except maybe for Mr. Mooney.

    I've mentioned earlier that the Ricardos and the Mertzes still meant big money for CBS, with the daytime reruns of I Love Lucy continuing well into the 1960s. However, its disappearance from the CBS daytime lineup when the rights finally expired in 1966, and its release into syndication a year later, meant there was a year I didn't see it. (CBS occasionally still reruns color-enhanced episodes as specials even now, indicating how much Lucy still means to CBS.) Meanwhile, I saw the primetime version of The Lucy Show a lot and then the daytime reruns began on CBS in 1968. So, I got to know two single women before I ever got to know a Cuban bandleader and his grouchy but friendly landlord. When I finally did discover all the comic glory of I Love Lucy, it was being rerun in syndication on WBRC, Channel 6, the local ABC affiliate in Birmingham (and now a Fox affiliate where I happen to work).

    But there are much worse things than being forced to dig out some of the greatest TV shows of all time, which actually had the effect of reinforcing my love of classic TV.

    And that brings us back to The Lucy Show. It's tough to follow the most legendary TV show of all time, especially when two of its familiar cast members will be in totally different characters. But the show still had the perfect pedigree before it began its evolution. The quality was hit and miss over the years, but I honestly think, had the entire show been as great as its best episodes, we'd almost think of it now the same way we think of I Love Lucy.

    And while there's a lot that can be and has been said about The Lucy Show, and how it reflected Lucille Ball at that moment in time (evolving away from a family life before Here's Lucy doubled back toward it), let's turn our attention to the woman who's one of the greatest second bananas in television history--the incomparable, legendary, groundbreaking and perhaps still underrated, Vivian Vance.

    Most of America never heard of Vance before the first episode of I Love Lucy. That's because most of her best work was stage work, which is where Desi Arnaz found her, in fact. She had appeared in a few movies, but wasn't remembered for them. And we don't always get to see her in an old movie or old rerun and say "Hey! That's Ethel!" like we do so many future stars. (Even Lucille Ball turned up in one of the "Three Stooges" shorts that often popped up in afternoon reruns.) The first Lucy episode is as close as we'll get to that.

    Born in Kansas in 1909 (making her two years older than Lucille Ball), the acting bug bit Vivian Jones very early. She even ran away from her disapproving religious parents at one point to Oklahoma, where things didn't work out in the theater community. Then her family moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where her involvement in the Little Theatre accelerated her dreams, and ultimately career. (It's also when she changed her last name to Vance.) She was so popular the people in that area even chipped in to send her to New York. (There's an episode of I Love Lucy during the "trip to Hollywood" story arc, in fact, that alludes to this. When the four revisit Ethel's hometown, also in New Mexico, the locals think it's Ethel, not Ricky, who's landed a movie role.)

    After a slow start on Broadway, she landed a supporting part in the Jerome Kern/Oscar Hammerstein musical, "Music in the Air." She understudied for Ethel Merman in "Anything Goes" and landed a major role opposite comedian Ed Wynn in "Hooray for What!" She appeared in a number of other productions, most notably "Let's Face It!" with Eve Arden and Danny Kaye. However, a 1945 nervous breakdown during a road tour of "Voice of the Turtle" landed her in psychotherapy, and eventually brought her to California. (In fact, she was one of the first celebrities to openly discuss her psychotherapy.)

    Meanwhile, Lucille Ball was negotiating to move her popular radio sitcom, My Favorite Husband, to television, but that evolved into something in which her real-life Cuban bandleader husband, Desi Arnaz, would star opposite her. As unlikely as that seemed to CBS executives in the early 1950s, they eventually worked it out. But the supporting couple from the My Favorite Husband radio show, Bea Benederet and Gale Gordon, weren't available for the new TV show. Benederet was contracted to play the next door neighbor on The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show while Gordon was tied up with the radio, and upcoming TV versions, of Arden's classic, Our Miss Brooks (a long-forgotten sitcom that really shouldn't be). It was at the La Jolla Playhouse where Arnaz found Vance and hired her to be Ethel Mertz, who would be to Lucy was Blanche was to Gracie Allen. Her husband, Fred, would be played by a down-on-his-luck alcoholic, William Frawley. The two didn't get along too well, though it's often said their animosity was exaggerated. But still, when the show took off in the ratings, they all worked together.

    Her relationship with Lucille Ball didn't start out well either. Ball was said to be cold to her at first. At late as the second season, Bart Andrews wrote that a pregnant Ball had taken over Vance's dressing room close to the stage, sending Vance to a much farther one. When she almost missed a cue due to a quick wardrobe change and long distance, Ball chastised her about being on time. That's when Vance reportedly said, "I'd tell you to go f--- yourself but I see Desi already took care of that!"

    But relations between the two thawed and they became lifelong best friends. And I Love Lucy became an iconic classic, and Ball and Vance became quite possibly the most beloved female comedy team in television history. Lucy evolved into television's equivalent of Charlie Chaplin, and many of her iconic routines had Ethel at her side. When the classic chocolate assembly line scene from the episode "Job Switching" was later immortalized on a U.S. postage stamp. the image depicted both Ball and Vance.

    Vance stayed on during the series' entire six year run, then for three more years of hourly monthly specials, The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show, which ended in 1960...one day before Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz ended their own, real-life troubled marriage. (Vance turned down a chance to co-star with Frawley in a "Fred and Ethel" spinoff, because she just couldn't stand working with him. But Frawley landed on his own feet as the grandfather on My Three Sons.)

    Vance struck out on her own at that point, making a pilot, Guestward Ho! but being replaced by Joanne Dru in the actual series, which yet again only lasted a season. Meanwhile, Vance divorced her third husband, Phil Ochs, after alleging he abused her, and moved to Connecticut. She married her fourth husband, John Dodds, in January 1961, and they would stay married until her death.

    She was making frequent appearances with another famous redhead on The Red Skelton Hour in the early 1960s when Lucy came calling again. Desilu was losing money as shows like Harry Morgan's Pete and Gladys were being cancelled, leaving ABC's The Untouchables as its last remaining show. So the studio needed some new income and production. CBS talked Lucy into a new show, which she agreed to do only if the show aired on Monday nights (the old I Love Lucy timeslot) and if Vance would appear with her. For her part, Vance asked for more money and equal billing and got it. General Foods and Lever Brothers signed on as alternating sponsors, just as they were during the last seasons of I Love Lucy. And so, after the hour-long specials (now renamed The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour) were rerun all through the summer of '62 to get everyone used to the idea of  Lucy being on television again, The Lucy Show was one of the two big premieres on Monday, October 1, 1962. (The other: Johnny Carson taking over The Tonight Show later that night.)

    The animated first season opening was a nod to the original I Love Lucy opening from the 1950s, set to a Wilbur Hatch theme that appeared to shout "Lucy! Lucy!" over and over. And sure enough, stick-figured Vivian appeared next to stick-figured Lucy. One other demand from Vance: she was sick of hearing people shout "Ethel!" across the street to her, so she wanted a character with her own first name. Sure enough, Lucy Carmichael's roommate would be Vivian Bagley.

    The new series was based on Irene Kampen's book "Life Without George," about her own experiences as a divorced woman living with another divorced woman and their combined children. But CBS preferred Lucy play a widow on the show, lest everyone think she divorced Ricky Ricardo (who they just saw weeks earlier in a rerun of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour and possibly even that day on the still-popular daytime reruns of  I Love Lucy). Divorce in general was still a skittish subject on television in those days, especially comedy series. (Even eight years later, CBS wouldn't let Mary Tyler Moore be a divorcee on her own new show, while ABC still sweated the divorce themes on The Odd Couple.) But considering the source material, CBS did at least let Vance's character be a divorcee, thus allowing her to mark another historic first for television. The IMdB and Wikipedia both say she's the very first such regular in prime time (though Wikipedia is still begging for a source), but she does appear to be the very first in a comedy series.

    Yet the network and writers didn't treat this as a big deal as perhaps it should've been. Single parents were still fairly new and rare in television. The first Lassie mother, played by Jan Clayton, was a widow. Single fatherhood came to comedy series when Jean Hagen was written out of Make Room for Daddy in 1956, leaving Danny Thomas' character a single father (for about a season). In 1957, the classic nuclear family of Leave It to Beaver premiered, but it did so along with single-dad shows like Bachelor Father and The Rifleman. By the time The Lucy Show premiered in 1962, Vivian Bagley would be joining Sheriff Andy Taylor from The Andy Griffith Show and Steve Douglas from My Three Sons in the classic TV version of Parents Without Partners.

    Indeed, divorce itself was always present and growing in the real world; one source said divorce stood at 5% immediately after the Civil war and grew to 34% by 1964. But Vivian Bagley would move in with Lucy Carmichael just before a divorce revolution would kick off in the mid-1960s, with more women heading to college to make themselves more independent, and never again vulnerable to the financial, starting-over issues of a marriage break. By the end of the decade, then-California Governor Ronald Reagan (himself a former actor and divorced man) would sign the nation's first no-fault divorce law.

    But Vivian's divorce, and her frequent phone calls to her attorney when her alimony ran late, was far from the point of the show. In another decade, a divorced mother and her trials and tribulations would be the whole point of a show--as it was when One Day at a Time premiered in 1975 and Kate and Allie arrived in 1984. For the time being, it was simply an exercise to allow two single women to live together, with their children, and get into whatever misadventures they may without husbands getting in the way. (Then again, not making it a big deal could, itself, make a big deal, like the way Star Trek assembled one of the most diverse casts to be found in 1960s television but didn't beat everyone over the head with the idea.)

    Still, the writers instilled another male presence in the series, and who they picked turned out to be substantial: a banker, controlling the money they received. Lucy's character was a widow whose late husband's estate (we never heard about the man so much) only allowed her a monthly allowance she overspent every month, while Vivian's husband paid alimony and was always late with it. (Why not child support, I don't know, unless it was considered too serious for a sitcom.) And so, a banker was a constant presence in their lives, holding the purse strings, and their struggles with money, made Lucy and Vivian relatable to the audience and often set off many of the plots. And it added a touch of realism to the life of single mothers, though having the president of the bank drop by the house on a regular basis might have been pushing it.

    Lucy still didn't get her wish to have Gale Gordon on the show during the first season (he was still appearing as the second Mr. Wilson on Dennis the Menace) . But then the first banker, Mr. Barnsdahl, was written out of the show when actor Charles Lane had trouble remembering lines in front of a live studio audience. (Fortunately, the beloved "bad guy" character actor landed on his feet with a recurring role as Homer Bedloe, the conniving railroad baron on Petticoat Junction.) And that first season of The Lucy Show happened to be the final season of Dennis the Menace.


    Gale Gordon was a veteran character actor, a jack-of-all-trades in the golden days of radio. Despite his tendency to play pompous slow-burn characters, usually someone's boss or a judge or something, he was actually the first man to play Flash Gordon on radio. He played Willie the Weary Stork and Oscar the Ostrich on the beloved children's Christmas serial, The Cinnamon Bear, and the lawyer who moved to a farm on Granby's Green Acres, later adapted to television as Green Acres. He was also well known for playing Mayor LaTrivia on Fibber McGee and Molly. He and Lucille Ball first worked together on The Wonder Show with Jack Haley in 1938, and--the first time he'd play a banker in Lucy's life--her husband's boss in the radio sitcom My Favorite Husband. His all time most loved--and longest running--non-Lucy role was as the pompous and easily irritated high school principal, Osgood Conklin, on the radio and television versions of Our Miss Brooks. While the Arnazes couldn't get him as Fred Mertz, he did make guest appearances as Ricky's boss, the nightclub owner, and as a judge on The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour.

    His first appearance on The Lucy Show as Theodore J. Mooney was in the all-time classic season two episode in which he and Lucy get locked in the bank vault together. It was such a memorable episode, Homer Simpson was still talking about it three decades later.

    Season two marked a big change that viewers didn't see at the time: the show was now filmed in color. What's interesting is, CBS didn't show it that way. The network's use of color was still very limited at that point, unlike NBC and ABC, but viewers would finally see Lucy in color in 1965.
    For that reason, the pictures in this post will alternate between black and white, as it was first broadcast, and color, as the episodes first appeared on CBS daytime reruns in 1968 and ever since.

    The chemistry between Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance not only returned with a vengeance, but it was now center stage. There were more classic routines between the two, physical routines--such as the time they installed a TV antenna on the roof, and the time Lucy had to use stilts to get into a bunk bed--that rivaled anything we could see on I Love Lucy. It wasn't unusual for the two to appear in visually appealing matching outfits, like hospital candy-stripes or volunteer firefighter uniforms, which also had the effect of making Vance appear equal to Ball. And in perhaps the series' best remembered sight gag, Vance not only complemented Ball's comic skills, she literally saved her life.

    It was a simple premise--a do-it-yourself home improvement project goes wrong--but staged elaborately, with the two women caught in a flooded shower whose drain is closed and whose door was installed opening the wrong way. But Lucille Ball later admitted she almost drowned during the actual filming, in front of a full crew and a large studio audience. She credited Vance with pulling her out of the water by her hair, not only rescuing her but also getting laughs in the process.

    Even tough Vance only appeared on the series for roughly half of its run, she was one of the show's three best remembered faces. She was popular enough that when Lucille Ball wanted to appease the sponsors by having the cast do commercials, but still too busy to do them herself, it was Vivian Vance who picked up much of the slack, and went to work each week selling Jell-O pudding and Lux beauty soap.

    The episode "Lucy Joins an Art Class" is a perfect example of the kind of thing Lucy and Viv could do that Lucy and Ethel never could: fight over the same guy.

    The two characters dated a lot and even had steady boyfriends off and on. This is despite the fact both were married in real life, and Ball's husband, Gary Morton, had a large behind-the scenes presence on the show and even appeared in one episode. (He even got to say "I love you, Lucy!" in a great example of an alpha male move now that Desi was out of the picture.) A first season episode, "Lucy and Viv Fight Over Harry," would've had the two apparently conflicted over their neighbor, played by Dick Martin. The script reportedly bombed so badly, production on the episode was shot down and it never aired.

    It's easy to get what's wrong with "Lucy Joins an Art Class" out of the way first: what's supposed to be its sight gag highlight late in the show, doesn't come off very satisfying, perhaps because of the way it's staged. The art class scene itself is so funny that it comes off way short. Perhaps the kitchen scenes  before and after it could've been shortened.

    The actor who played the art teacher, John Carradine, actually appeared years earlier in a movie with Lucille Ball ("Five Came Back," a jungle thriller from 1939). But the episode does almost nothing with that fact or his part. Today that would be a ratings stunt and there would even be an in-joke referring to the previous movie (or just the fact that appeared in one together, and Carradine would've had a bigger part more suited to his nature). He gets no funny lines, not even a quick face-palm. As a result, his part doesn't look as much like "Look who's back together again!" as much as "John Carradine needed a quick paycheck and hit up Lucy for a part on her show."

    And now, what's right with the episode: both women look very pretty considering their ages, in their early 50s. (That wasn't as common then as it is now.) The script is full of crackling one-liners; any time Lucy and Ethel or Lucy and Viv insulted one another or adopted "tones," it was usually comedy gold, and this is no exception. And it's an excellent vehicle to show off Vivian Vance.

    Aired the very night before I was born, and sponsored that night by Jell-O and Dream Whip, the episode begins in an art supply store, whose clerk invites Vivian and Lucy to join a night art class. At first they turn him down, saying they haven't gotten anything out of the night classes they've attended. "We haven't met a bachelor yet," says Viv.

    As Viv heads to the market, the woman who helped rule Monday nights on CBS stays behind and finds herself face to face with another customer: John Brooks III, played by Robert Alda. Fifteen years later, his son, Alan Alda, would help rule Monday nights on CBS as part of the cast of M*A*S*H. It turns out John's there to pick up a framed version of a cheap print of the Mona Lisa (future sight gag alert coming in from the telegraph office).

    When she overhears John ask for an application for the advertised art class, Lucy suddenly decides she's been wanting to enroll in one for years, and requests an application. Lucy then tells John that raising her children, alone, kept her out of an art class earlier, and says his wife must help take care of his. Of course, he tells her he's not married. A very happy Lucy says she'll see him in art class and heads home, still looking at him as she leaves.

    A short time later, Vivian shows up with two large bags of groceries to get a parking ticket validated. John asks if he can help, and she starts to say no but then turns around to get a glimpse of him.

    "I'm in charge of the Danfield welcome wagon," says Vivian. "I can't imagine how we happened to miss you!" Then, using the same tactic as Lucy, she says, "I'll just bring the wagon over if you'll just tell me when you and your wife will be home?" "But I'm not married," he replies. "Then I'll bring my wagon right over!" says Vivian. He leaves, and before she can ask, the clerk hands her an art class application.

    After a commercial break, we find Lucy, Vivian and all of their children enjoying breakfast. Apparently no one will be around to do the dishes since Lucy and Vivian are both "going out tonight," and the children have things to do. Then they both say they signed up for the art class. "You know, Viv, I got to thinking, there's going to be a big cultural explosion in America, and I want to be a part of it!" Vivian responds she met a cute guy, too. They eventually get it out of each other, it's the same guy. ("Listen, Vivian, you give me John Brooks the Third, and you can have John Brooks the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh!")  They then declare "every woman for herself" and "no holds barred."

    The next scene--the funniest one of the whole episode--takes place at the art class, with poor, almost-forgotten John Carradine as the art teacher. Seeing John Brooks III next to a woman, Vivian quickly steals the stool on the other side of him, to Lucy's frustration, then pointed tries to use her sketch pad to block Lucy's view of him. The professor (Carradine) unveils a bowl of fruit and asks the class to sketch the still life any way they see fit. Lucy asks the woman on the opposite side of John to switch seats with her, prompting the gentlemanly John to say he'll be happy to do it, thus leaving Lucy no better off than she was.

    When Vivian finishes her work, Lucy says it's very good, then asks, "Why aren't you drawing what the rest of the class is drawing?" Lucy finally gets a chance when Vivian breaks her pencil, and when she leaves to get a new one, Lucy steals her stool. When Vivian turns around, Lucy is complimenting John on his work and tells, Vivian, "Sit down, dear!" For a comic duo known for their broad sight gags, the subtlety of their performances in this scene is at once refreshing, and hilarious. I could've actually seen this scene last longer. Vivian is especially good, going from exaggerating her laughter and good time (to needle Lucy) to the conniving look in her eyes as she plots her next move.

    The professor then asks for a volunteer to model for a "real life" picture, prompting Vivian to ask if Lucy has a tear in her dress. When Lucy asks where, Vivian says "under your arm," and as she raises her arm, Vivian grabs it and says "Professor!"

    Lucy is now stuck modeling for the class, away from everybody, but has the last laugh when John stokes her ego as he compliments her "high cheekbones." Or so she thinks: she's now stuck for half an hour in that pose.



    The cattiness in the next scene, set the next day in the kitchen, is hilarious. Vivian has apparently won Round One: she has a date that night with John. Lucy, who's tired of hearing about it, calls Vivian underhanded, to which she suggests Lucy spend the evening "entertaining yourself by sketching a bowl of sour grapes." Lucy, saying Vivian's right, she shouldn't be a sore loser, says she'll clean up the kitchen while Vivian gets ready for her date. "I am ready!" Viv shoots back. Lucy then asks if Flo's Beauty Shop is open late so Vivian can have her hair done. "I had my hair done this afternoon!" says Vivian. Lucy responds: "Oh, I'm sorry, I see it now. I guess even Flo has her off days." Lucy offers to go in Vivian's place, but her attempt to undermine her self-esteem fails.

    Vivian then gets a pie out of the oven, and says it's dessert that night, after they get back from dinner. She's taking the pie by his apartment, picking him up from work and then they'll head to dinner. She rather chipperly tells Lucy not to wait up for her.

    Lucy calls her son Jerry in to go to the store for her, to pick up three jars of hot peppers, two cans of anchovies, and a bottle of Tabasco sauce. "I am going to bake an apple pie!" she declares.

    Using the key under the doormat that Vivian told her about, Lucy sneaks in to John's apartment (how does she know where he lives? We never find out) to switch out the apple pies. Sure enough, the framed Mona Lisa is standing on the kitchen counter. When she takes Vivian's out of the oven, it's hot (Vivian had it on warm) so she knocks over the Mona Lisa and drops the pie on it. The pie lands dish side down, and sure enough it burns a hole in the Mona Lisa's face, almost perfectly to the spot. When she hears Vivian and John return she quickly moves everything and closes the blinds to the kitchenette.

    The two return, and John mentions the apartment and the pictures he has yet to hang. He then asks for Vivian's opinion on the Mona Lisa frame, saying it looked fine in the store but now thinks it should be darker. When he reopens the folding doors to the kitchen...do I even have to say what happens next?

    As they chat, John says it's a shame Vivian couldn't talk her friend, Mrs. Carmichael, into coming along. Vivian claims she tried, but lately she hasn't felt much like going out. She then calls John over to tell him to take a second look at that picture. "Mona Lisa is Mona Lucy!" she says, delivering the episode's punch line. (It might have been funnier had the glare of the studio lights not washed out the Mona Lisa part a bit.)

    Vivian then tells John she has an idea and asks him to play along. "Do you mind if I have a little fun?" she asks.


    "Do you know what I've always had a mad desire to do?" Vivian asks. "Paint a mustache on Mona Lisa!" she declares, suddenly getting a frown out of the Mona Lisa. John hands her a palette and a brush and says, "The print only cost a dollar!" "Oh you are a sport, Johnny!" Vivian says as she heads toward the painting.

    Vivian draws the mustache, then big, bushy eyebrows, as John says, "How about a beard!" That's when Lucy finally says "All right, Viv, that's it!" Lucy starts to storm out but John invites her to stay, making Vivian not happy. "I've been wanting to meet some interesting people in this town, but I sure hit the jackpot!" he tells the mustached Lucy. They then start on the pie...the one Lucy brought and Lucy has forgotten about the switch...and gets the first, bitter taste.

    The new, 1960s dynamic between Lucy and Vivian was a little different than the 1950s dynamic between Lucy and Ethel.

    And it reflected Lucille Ball's real life. On I Love Lucy she wanted the show done her way but deferred to Desi's sound judgment, he was a genius as a producer. Desi did produce the first 10-12 episodes or so of the first season of The Lucy Show, but from then on, Lucy got the show she thought she wanted. She ended up firing her original series writers, and the show became semi-experimental, evolving from a family-based single parent sitcom to something open-ended that put Lucy in all matter of wacky situations and had her cross paths with guest stars like John Wayne and Ethel Merman. Legend has it she even tried to get the Beatles, and was even willing to pay "Beatle Money" to get them. But the Fab Four turned it down because their own schedule couldn't coincide with the shooting schedule of The Lucy Show.

    But after season three, Vivian Vance called it quits. As the show reset itself from Danfield, Connecticut to Los Angeles, Vance went the opposite direction. She actually lived in Connecticut, and decided to leave the show to avoid the hellish commute and her lack of time with her husband. But she did come back for guest appearances, not only on The Lucy Show but also on the successor series, Here's Lucy. From their, the fortunes of the two women went in--not opposite, but different directions. Lucille Ball not only starred in The Lucy Show but ran Desilu, which she got completely in the divorce from Desi Arnaz. As studio head, she even got to greenlight the pilots to Star Trek and Mission: Impossible. She eventually sold Desilu to Paramount and started Lucille Ball Productions to produce Here's Lucy.

    Vivian Vance, on the other hand, didn't just seek fame and fortune and power. She lived the life of a journeyman actor, apparently acting because it's what she wanted to do. Her later roles were mostly on stage. But she also made guest appearances on Love, American Style and in the TV movie Houdini, and in one of the greatest pieces of stunt casting of all time, found herself face to face with the second banana of another TV legend, Mary Tyler Moore, when she guest starred opposite Valerie Harper on an episode of Rhoda.

    Vivian Vance contracted breast cancer and fought it bravely, but the disease spread to her bones and she died in 1979. Before her death, she had appeared two last times in TV specials with Lucille Ball, including one that had a guest appearance by Lillian Carter, mother of then-President Jimmy Carter.

    For the most part, the legacy of Vivian Vance is in timeless reruns of I Love Lucy--and a groundbreaking role on The Lucy Show that may not get as much due as it deserves. I, myself, was watching those 1950s-1960s reruns when I was trying to escape the reality of my own life as the oldest son of a divorced mother of four, strapped for cash and juggling schedules as she worked her way through nursing school. It wasn't a life I saw on television very much, but when I did see it, it was in Vivian Vance and the character she played on The Lucy Show. We really didn't see families like ours on TV that much until I was a little older and One Day at a Time and Alice both premiered. But when I did see Vivian and her son Sherman, as little as it was, I sat up and took notice and appreciated it. I hope I wasn't the only one.

    Availability: the entire series is on DVD.
    Next time on this channel: McHale's Navy.

    This blog is a member of the Classic TV Blog Association.


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  4. Would YOU Like to Be...?!

    The most embarrassingly outdated show I've reviewed for this blog is also an ancestor for one of the most modern of TV genres.



    Queen for a Day, "The Hairdresser Show"
    OB: sometime in the second week of February 1964, 3:30 p.m. EST, ABC
    I was a month old when this show was first broadcast.


    "Would YOU like to be QUEEN for a day?!"
                        --Jack Bailey's intro to most Queen for a Day episodes

    I've known so much baby boomer TV trivia over the years, it once won me a trip to Hollywood.

    In September 1999, after a rollercoaster summer that included my being let go from one job, quickly getting another and being dumped by a fiancee, I won the national online competition to be a finalist in the TV Land Ultimate Fan Search, which would culminate in a TV special on that network. I did that by taking an online quiz that included questions about, among other things, Floyd the Barber's favorite flower on The Andy Griffith Show. Several other finalists won in competitions held in various cities. We then competed in semi-final rounds in Hollywood, and did interviews on camera that actually affected our scores. ("You blew them away in the interview apparently," one of the other losing contestants, who I was sure would beat me, later told me. I think I'd told the interviewers I wanted to impress a girl or something.) I was eliminated in the last off-air round, despite my winning an argument with the judges over exactly how Lt. Col. Henry Blake died on M*A*S*H. The last round would be played on TV in a half-hour game show format, not unlike the old MTV show Remote Control, right down to an eliminated contestant suddenly having her seat pulled back behind the set. The week was a trip for two, and they put me and my brother Phillip up at the famous Roosevelt Hotel, which overlooked Grauman's Chinese Theater and actually had the Hollywood Walk of Fame going by on two sides.

    That's me in the green shirt under the Get Smart sign, joining the rest of my fellow TV geeks/pie judges.
    It was a whirlwind week that involved a tour of the Paramount Studios (where we visited the active sets of Judging Amy and Entertainment Tonight as well as the outdoor set where Laverne and Shirley did their famous opening chant), a tour of famous shooting locations in Culver City--we got to see the Brady house, as well as the one where Richie, Joanie and Mr. and Mrs. C all lived--and my brother and I scored tickets to two tapings of Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher at CBS Television City. A walk to a cyber cafe brought me face to face with Siegfried and Roy, as they were presented with their own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

    On the last day of that week, we all got herded aboard a bus that took us to the Nick Studios, a/k/a Nickelodeon on Sunset. There was a lot to do and places to go and pictures to take. We had to wear big red banners that bore the location from which we came into the contest (mine said TVLand.com), that made us look like we were all judging pies at a state fair or something. We were herded through the studio, at one point waiting briefly onstage on the living room set of one of my daughter's then-favorite shows, Kenan & Kel, for final instructions.



    The taping itself was a disaster. The half hour show took about three and a half hours to tape with constant reshoots. The eliminated contestant who got pulled through the wall had to re-experience that humiliation three more times due to some kind of technical issue. The audience got restless. The president of TV Land angrily stomped out of the studio. Special guest star Barbara Eden was noticeably impatient; when my brother and host Chuck Woolery shared a smoke break on the balcony, the former host of Wheel of Fortune and Love Connection vented to him about what a slipslod production this turned out to be. I did get to shake hands with Woolery and with announcer Rod "Come on down!" Roddy, and got to at least say hi to Barbara Eden. And I got to make small talk with the show's cute model, but whisked away before I could get her phone number or a brutal shootdown, whichever one was going to happen. (At least a shootdown would've given me a funny story to tell my friends.) I got a passing glimpse of myself in the final broadcast; my brother Phillip, sitting amid the rest of the audience, was actually seen more prominently during the closing credits. And a fellow named Malcolm Bondon won, and got to program one hour a week of TV Land's programming for an entire year based on their library of TV episodes. A fun, wonderful memory, if not exactly a model of how a game show should be taped.

    "Nickelodeon On Sunset" by Matthew E. Cohen - Nickelodeon Studios - 2/2. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Nickelodeon_On_Sunset.jpg#/media/File:Nickelodeon_On_Sunset.jpg
    But anyway, back to Nickelodeon on Sunset. Because it was taping day and everything had to be done on what was supposed to be a tight schedule, we never got a tour, or the full story of the studio's history. We could tell it clearly predated Nickelodeon, for that matter cable TV and likely even TV itself.



    We saw enough interior architecture, like statues, and photos that lined the walls--I specifically recognized Fanny Brice and a blackfaced Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll, better known as radio's Amos 'n' Andy--so we knew they likely did live shows and/or radio programs there at one time. It turns out it began life in 1938 as the Hollywood version of the Earl Carroll Theater. In the 1950s it was converted into a nightclub called the Moulin Rouge, and later to a go-go club and rock venue named after the TV series Hullabaloo. Television production was no stranger to the place even before Nickelodeon took over, with The Jerry Lewis Labor Day MDA Telethon and the original 1980s version of Star Search originating from there. (And I think someone did tell us about Star Search at the time.) Of course, there were the many Nick shows like All That and iCarly.


    But perhaps the most famous, or infamous, show to originate from that facility, was quite possibly the one show no one mentioned that entire week, and we must've told each other the name of every show we ever heard about, as we formed a bond through our classic TV geekdom. The show whose existence predated most of our memories, that made this place home for its entire eight-year TV run, was the laughably outdated version of "female empowerment" known as Queen for a Day.

    Perhaps it wasn't mentioned to us because it's considered one of the rock-bottom, worst shows in television history...if not the worst.

    But in its day, it was hugely popular. Beginning in the early 1950s, the radio, then television versions of Queen for a Day became such a part of the Moulin Rouge, organizations began to hold conventions in the greater LA area so they could get batch tickets to a broadcast. (And the show we'll spotlight is one such show.) It was so popular that at one point, NBC charged $4,000 a minute for participating advertising time. (A contestant's plug for her family's local egg business in a 1962 show prompted host Jack Bailey to tell the contestant that coast-to-coast plug over ABC was worth $7,000 at that point. That's $52,000 in 2016 dollars.) The show pioneered spot advertising and had a lot of commercial time, lots of time just reading off that day's lengthy sponsor list, and looked surprisingly smooth to operate considering the many models, quick turnaround time, and the fact they probably had multiple sets of prizes that were gathered at the last second for contestants who might not have won. It was clearly a burgeoning franchise, reportedly generating $9 million in income for NBC just in one year.



    At the time, daytime network advertising was sold in quarter hours, with daytime soap episodes often coming in at 15 minutes per day. But Queen for a Day was so successful and brought in so much advertising money, at one point NBC expanded each show to 45 minutes. And often, the commercials were done live from the set, with announcer Gene Baker exhaling a lot of cigarette smoke as he sold Old Golds, or host Jack Bailey leering at a human-sized mermaid mannequin as the two of them pitched Chicken of the Sea tuna.


    The show had an army of models, by the way, even more than the current day Price is Right. They even seemed to have one group who modeled prizes, a second group who did the fashion segment, and a third who escorted the contestants--or as they were called on the show, "candidates"--over to Jack Bailey.

    As for what kind of a show it was...well, looking at it now is, at first, quite a jaw dropper.

    A friend of mine once described it perfectly without ever having even heard of the show. He dreamed one night about a game show called I've Got It Worse! He imagined it opening with someone saying, "My wife left me, my power was shut off and I just found out I have cancer," followed by another contestant saying, "Oh yeah? Well, I've got it worse!" and the audience breaking into applause as the theme music begins. Except for the opening, he'd just explained the very premise of Queen for a Day.



    On television the rules were simple: four members of the audience would tell their sob stories about why they should win, based on either hard lives or better yet, their desire to help someone else first despite their own hard lives. (The contestants eventually figured out that was how to win.) At the end of the show...O.K. you might want to be ready for this one...the four would sit at a long table, and the audience would applaud who had the "best" sob story, and it would be measured...on an applause meter, like it was a talent show. (Earlier on radio, a panel would winnow five contestants down to three, and the audience would vote on those three...again, by whose hopes and misery drew the most claps on the applause meter.)



    Yes, a horrible life would be worth valuable prizes. It really was that crass. The losing contestants who went back to their miserable old lives unchanged, at least got electric skillets and perfume.



    The show debuted on local radio as Queen for Today in 1945, then switched to the national Mutual Radio network later that year and adopted the more famous Queen for a Day moniker. The two earliest radio shows known to exist are from August 1945 and are interrupted with war bulletins...the first, by a series of bulletins falsely reporting the Japanese had just surrendered followed by bulletins retracting, and apologizing for, the earlier false bulletins, something that must've unnerved worrying mothers and families of men and women still serving their country in the South Pacific. (The actual surrender came days later.)

    That would be a near-perfect foreshadowing for the 19-year parade of tastelessness and festival of false hopes that would be the Queen for a Day  radio and TV series.

    A trial run of the TV version aired as early as 1948 on local TV in Los Angeles. By 1950 that had become a regular broadcast that host Jack Bailey often plugged on radio. The network version premiered on NBC Daytime in January 1956, eventually switching to ABC in October 1960.



    Jack Bailey hosted the show from its 1945 network radio inception until its TV cancellation in October 1964. The Iowa native previously worked in vaudeville and was a carnival barker at the 1933 New York World's Fair. His other radio work included announcing duties on The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet and Duffy's Tavern. But he was also something of a character actor. In the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," when Violet elbows several suitors out of the way to hit on George (Jimmy Stewart), he's one of those suitors. His television acting work included Green Acres, Gunsmoke, I Dream of Jeannie and Ironside. He also hosted the TV version of Truth or Consequences from 1954 until 1956, filling a gap between Ralph Edwards and Bob Barker. But ultimately he'll be remembered, if at all, for this one show.



    Described by those who worked for him as a very friendly guy who seemed to get along with everyone, Bailey doesn't always come off that way on camera, at least not in this millennium. On a 1950 radio episode, when a woman's wish is to lose some of the weight she gained due to the birth, and illness, of a baby, Bailey says "You'd have to use a buzzsaw to do it in two months" in response to her proposed timetable. (Her husband was away on a work assignment and she wanted to surprise him.) But ultimately Bailey assured her, "We'll start hammering and hacking and see what we can do" if she won. In a 1962 show, when a woman wanted 50 mau-mau dresses to put on a Hawaiian luau for some little girls, Bailey sizes up the rather big woman and says, "Well I can see why you'd need at least two."

    One producer said Bailey's style was to respond to a woman saying, "Oh my son is sick with tuberculosis" not with "Oh no, I hate to hear that!" but with "Well next time tell him to put on an overcoat when he goes out." Though he always liked to tease, Bailey wasn't always that crass or tone-deaf. Mostly he was very warm and kind to the contestants. When one woman--who wanted her run-down, ten year old car fixed so she could go on babysitting assignments--said she got a traffic ticket on her way to the studio that day, Bailey got his announcer, floor manager and director to pool the $6 to pay it off.



    Some people noted even back then, Bailey occasionally looked like he downed a few before airtime. Indeed, Bailey openly admitted being a member of Alcoholics' Anonymous as far back as 1948. Actors like Richard Chamberlain even admitted getting their big breaks, partly because a family member knew Bailey from AA.



    The contestants, to be fair, were all everyday, non-glamorous women (except when everyday, non-glamorous men occasionally competed to be "King for a Day") and a vast majority of them appeared to be sincere. If they had tears, they were real, but the ones who didn't cry were probably even more moving. They seemed to have tough lives they'd gotten used to. One winning contestant had a son with cerebral palsy and wanted a new wheelchair and an exercise bike. She got both, along with a vacation to Jamaica, a set of small appliances and cookware, a sewing machine, a dishwasher, a years' supply of frozen dinners and an Amana freezer. (One staffer recalled years later many of these women were so poor, they didn't have major appliances in their homes, or if they did they were older, now-failing models.)

    Many wanted things for someone else--a stove for a church (which was rebuilding after a devastating fire), electric blankets for nearby firefighters, or in one case, a taxidermy set and muskrat traps for a family of boys and her husband who all loved to hunt. And many wanted simple things. A Filipino woman wanted a basketball and encyclopedia set for her two sons, and a hearing aid for her husband, all of whom lived back in the Philippines.The woman who wanted her '46 Pontiac fixed so she could leave home to babysit children, got her car repaired by the Pep Boys...then was told to sell it because she was going to get a brand new one from a Los Angeles Ford dealer. (She also got a ton of prizes, including a freezer, a washer, and a trip to Hawaii.)



    One woman wanted a new washer and dryer so she could make money taking in other people's laundry. She wanted to pay off some medical bills that piled up. She lost out to a woman whose brother was shot multiple times (mistaken for someone else) and had to spend his life lying on his stomach. Among her prizes: a washer and dryer she never requested. I have to wonder how the other woman felt about that.

    As the women milled into the theater, their tickets included a card to fill out. One side was their name and information about themselves (job? married? children?) and eventually wore that side as a nametag. The other side was to describe her wish. Allan Burns, future writer who would help create The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Rhoda, was a young NBC page who worked on the show. He recalled how the cards were taken at the door, then staffers would look over the hundreds while the audience, at their tables, had lunch. But if someone came in with a crutch or wheelchair, or who was clearly blind or deaf, their cards were set aside and they were never considered as contestants. The producers felt it would be tough for the other "candidates" to compete against them, but if such a person were to lose, they were afraid the show and its staff would look terrible. (Yes, I noted the irony in that.) There were other candidates whose stories were never used because they were too horrific for 1950s daytime TV, like the woman who wanted enough money to get a divorce from her abusive husband. (There were also possible legal issues with someone going on national TV and calling a man an abuser if he hadn't been charged.)

    Eventually the staffers would winnow down the cards to 25 women, and Jack Bailey would interview them backstage, to gauge their stories and see how well the women would do being interviewed on TV. (Remember when I told you at the TV Land Ultimate Fan Search, how they interviewed us all on video cameras at one point? This was apparently their version of that same exercise.) From there, the list would be limited to the four or five women for the final show. They would then have to sign a release which said, among other things, if their stories were ever found to be fabricated they'd have to forfeit their prizes.



    The show we'll spotlight was one of the series' "convention" shows. In fact, the show had a number of "theme shows" over the years. One July 1963 broadcast was "circus day," which opened with the models leading some show ponies around the stage as two actual clowns from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus performed. Most of their work was done at the beginning of the show, where they explained all four of the candidates that day would get free passes to the circus while it was in town. The clowns stayed throughout the show and assisted the prize models.



    Occasionally the candidates would be all male and they'd select a "King for a Day." One of those (perhaps the only "King for a Day" show to still exist) from 1956 centered on newsboys. They poignantly requested things for their mothers, not themselves. One wanted furniture for his mother because his own medical bills--from when he had polio earlier in his life--ran up bills that still weren't paid off. Another wanted a freezer and a sewing machine. The winner (who apparently wanted a room added onto the family home so his brother could live with them instead of an assisted living facility) got that, plus numerous prizes showered on him that included fishing gear and even a large fishing boat that was wheeled out onto the stage, outboard motor included.

    The apparently one and only existing show to be on videotape and not kinescope, from 1962, took place in an audience full of egg producers. One of the prizes for the winner was actually an egg washer. Another was a year's supply of eggs, presumably so the small-business minded folks wouldn't have to eat into their own profits when they had breakfast.

    And the one we'll spotlight, apparently from February 1964 (since it happened during "National Hairdressers' Week"), is based around a convention of hairdressers, part of the National Hairdressers and Cosmetologists' Association. Bailey, standing next to a salon hairdryer, tells us this show would be a bit different than usual, as it would be devoted to the unsung heroines of beauty, the hairdresser. He pointed out how they often did unappreciated things like fix hair at hospitals and nursing homes. Then he then bellowed out a slightly altered version of his familiar opening line: "Would YOU like to be, Hairdresser QUEEN for a Day?!"



    The show would then open with a pan shot of the applauding, mostly female audience as spotlights waived over the crowd at the Moulin Rouge. The opening theme, "Hey, Look Me Over," appeared to be either a celebration of the show's exploitation of poor or working-class women or a tell betraying it. Announcer Gene Baker would then introduce the show by its name and then subtitle, "the Cinderella Show," as a hand model moved cards that bore the show's title and the sponsors of the first half of the show.

    The show seemed, ironically enough, to be a natural ad buy for a product devoted to hiding natural hair color, Clairol Loving Care, seen in the first commercial break. In fact, all but one of the shows that exist on the First Look Studios DVD release have their original network commercials intact (the newsboy show apparently came from Armed Forces Television), reminding us of a different era where there were so many housewives with the TV on, there was an entire industry devoted to selling them products.



    During the show, Jack Bailey interviews the candidates one by one. The first, Erma Leek, tells us she's been fixing hair for 43 years, and the most she ever got for a tip was one dollar. Bailey then gets his announcer, stage manage and others to pull some money out of their wallets, so he could hand her a worthy tip for once. He then gets a plaque from the president of the NHCA, then the show goes to a commercial break for Aerowax Wax Remover and Freezone.

    The next contestant is Jana Netterfield, who wants a hair dryer and shampoo bowl to be installed at Orange County Hospital, where she was once a patient and sometimes did the hair for patients. Candidate number three is Eleanor Evans, an African-American woman who wants a wedding dress for her daughter. The four candidate, Georgeena Coehlo, wants a power saw for her husband. He's out of work as a carpenter on disability and she thinks it might help cheer him up and give him something to do.



    Between the interviews with the second and third candidates, Bailey brings out Jeanne Cagney, the show's fashion commentator and sister to Hollywood legend James Cagney. The fashion segment, believe it or not, started out in radio, and the "oohs" and "aahs" from the radio studio audience indicated the fashions were modeled in that studio. It's obviously a better choice for a visual medium like television, and here, they make the most of it. In this particular broadcast, Jeanne also describes the Clairol hair color on each fashion model, a nod to one of the show's billboard sponsors that day,


    But she's not doing fashion commentary just for the sake of having a fashion segment. The winning queen will get all of these--designer dresses and two piece outfits, accessories including Sarah Coventry jewelry, as part of her prize package. In fact, the show lavished so many prizes on the winner the prize descriptions took up three segments of the show--and this was the first one of those.

    The consolation prizes on this particular show are an electric skillet, a steam iron, and Tigress by Faberge perfume...because, the producers appeared to think, no problem was too big to be solved by even a small prize. In fact, that eventually appears to be one of the show's recurring themes: no crisis, no trauma, no living hell exists that can't be solved by consumerism.



    With all four candidates sitting at the table together, we get to the part where the audience votes on which candidate is most deserving. They're put through the humiliation of the applause meter one candidate at a time, with Bailey calling out the obvious winner as "num-ber TWO!" We see the audience applaud, and an escort place a luxurious robe on her as Jack Bailey crowns her "queen for a day!" The audio booth is playing a somewhat warbly recording of "Pomp and Circumstance," indicating our queen has apparently graduated to something. What we don't see are the other three contestants, quickly shuffled off the stage and out of view of the cameras and studio audience. Behind the scenes staff members later recalled this part as a truly ugly scene, with lots of tears and weeping as their newly raised hopes are suddenly dashed. But at least they each got a steam iron.


    So "num-ber TWO!" Jana Netterfield takes her place on her throne as Jack Bailey and Gene Baker take turns describing a prize package rivaling anything you'd see today on The Price is Right.  Jana will get what she requested--the hairdryer and shampoo bowl, as Bailey throws out matter-of-factly--and the fashions described in the earlier fashion segment.  Then we'ere shown a personal typewriter, a Hellbros "Queen for a Day" watch designed especially for the show's winners as a cross-promotion, her own set of beauty aids to use on herself, a whirlpool bath that turns your tub into a jacuzzi (I think they gave one away on almost every show); a lightweight portable TV (in those days before smartphones, tablets, streaming and digital TV), and a fancy canopy bed (another almost-every-show prize).


    There are so many prizes they have to stop for a commercial break before getting to the big one. So, while a Feen-a-Mint commercial plays on the studio monitors, Jana has a minute to either take in everything she's won, get ready for the next part or both. Then after the break, Jack Bailey tells her she and a guest of her choice will visit the Clairol Women's Building for women only in New York. But he points out it's located on the grounds of the 1964 New York World's Fair, so they'll get to go to that too, once it opens that April. (You may recall the NBC News special in which newsman Edwin Newman claimed to be the first man allowed in that building.)


    The show ends as always with the winner sitting on the throne as Jack Bailey exclaims his usual closing line: "This is Jack Bailey, wishing we could make every single woman a queen for every single day!" The credits underscore how outdated this format had become even at that point in time, first the show's title appears in an ancient font, which is supposed to suggest royalty but more likely just says "old," then the modern ABC logo (which had just been adopted months earlier and is still used now) appears, looking somewhat out of place.


    Indeed, ABC's daytime lineup during its last year on the air, shows how out of place the show had gotten. Its lead-in was fairly new, future daytime soap legend General Hospital, and just after the show were daytime reruns of Major Adams, Trailmaster, the retitled version of Wagon Train. So, Queen for a Day would be gone in early October. Perhaps it wasn't scheduled in the mornings with other game shows like Seven Keys or the Bill Cullen-era Price is Right because it was thought to be different category, a "miscellaneous" show like Candid Camera.

    Today we would consider it "reality programming," perhaps among the first of its kind.

    A dreadful show, you may say (at least if you agree with me), a prettied-up version of Social Darwinism. Even the producers would later acknowledge it years later, but justify it by saying it's what the public wanted to see...pretty much the same way people now pass around "weirdly dressed people from Walmart" pictures on Facebook, as a vicarious way of making fun of the poor. But let's be fair...the show did have its good points and perhaps, in a way, its heart was in the right place.



    First of all, we can't use it as an example of "Look how much better we are now, we were soooooo politically incorrect then," because the show's format was absolutely trashed by television critics when it first appeared in the medium in 1956. And it was for the same complaints people have now: the idea of using sincere, poor to working class, women, for an exercise in Social Darwinism used as entertainment. It's the same complaints people came to make about the Jerry Lewis telethon and its use of people with Cerebral Palsy, which would later use the same Sunset Boulevard studio as Queen for a Day.

    Secondly...In a 2003 article published in the Historical Journal of Film, Radio and Television (I didn't even realize there was such a thing), Georganne Scheiner wrote that it basically served as a voice for women who were lower-income or working-class, a voice heard nowhere else on TV (unless you count Molly Goldberg and Alice Kramden). Except for the applause meter, the women were treated with respect, and were told America wanted to hear their stories. And we did. The show was a runaway hit for years, because people liked to see good things happen to good women, especially those who've sacrificed so hard for their families and seemed to get absolutely zip back from life. (And they still do...such later shows as Extreme Home Makeover touched, and touches, a chord in its viewers. But the closest Extreme Home Makeover got to the competitive aspect of the show was when people sent in cards, letters and emails recommending worthy families and individuals, and obviously not all of them could be fulfilled.)

    Clearly the people who worked on this show thought they were doing good (despite the awful format), and the show did trade heavily on empathy and sympathy, which in this case could be a two-edged sword.



    Also keep in mind, the diversity of candidates. Not only did the show pay attention to socioeconomic levels usually ignored elsewhere, and even subsets of those (who would ever think of honoring hairdressers who did hair for hospital patients?), but also exercised even more diversity. It wasn't unusual for African-Americans, Asian-Americans and others to appear as candidates, though Jack Bailey might not have been the best man to talk to them. (When a Korean woman described how she fled her country to Hawaii, Bailey wanted to know if they all speak the same language in Hawaii. This was two years before it became our 50th state.)

    There were other shows of its kind back in the day as well, such as Strike It Rich, which made the recipients earn what they got through a simple quiz show format, not by playing "I've Got it Worse!" or depending on a display of pity.



    Over the years, Queen for a Day crowned more than 5,000 queens with a few kings thrown in, and gave away some $29,000,000 in prizes. But out of all of that, only about ten or so TV episodes are known to exist. A home video release in 2007 claimed to have the entire series--seven complete shows and fragments from a few others--but the holdings at the UCLA film and TV archives indicate they have a few more, mostly from its last year (and my first year), 1964, that came straight from ABC. And you may think, as bad as this show is, maybe we don't need to see more than that handful. But consider this...

    As Scheiner wrapped up her article, she heard from someone who hoped to find a broadcast in which her mother appeared. (That's a common request, I got a lot of them running the Classic Hollywood Squares Site.) But this one was special: this woman said her mother appeared as a pregnant woman, hoping to find baby clothes and a layette, and the baby she was carrying grew up to be the woman making the request.. Only weeks after her appearance, Scheiner says, the mother died in childbirth. It may have been the last picture or video record ever involving that woman, and because it hasn't turned up anywhere (there's a pregnant woman in one of the show fragments on the DVD release, but alas, it apparently wasn't her), it's very likely to be lost to the ages.

    It's something to think about when the debate comes up about the preservation of historic TV broadcasts. What may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, even a much maligned show like Queen for a Day, could be the whole world to someone else, and their family, and their descendants. These women were not wealthy women, and those individual broadcasts, and those prizes they won to help a family get by at one point in its history, could very well have been their legacy.

    Availability: the 2007 First Look Studios DVD release can still be found on Amazon and eBay. Incidentally, winners on the radio version were given audio recordings of their appearances (and one of those turned up on Youtube). There's no telling how many of those may yet turn up in attics or yard sales, but so far there are only a few here and there.

    Next time on this channel: A special look at The Lucy Show's Vivian Vance, part of the TV Sidekicks Blogathon hosted by the Classic Film and TV Cafe.


    This blog is a member of the Classic TV Blog Association.





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  5. They Walk Alike, They Talk Alike...

    Patty Duke co-starred with herself in a now-classic sitcom that belied her ugly off-screen life

    The Patty Duke Show, "The Tycoons"
    OB: January 15, 1964, 8 p.m. EST, ABC
    I was one day old when this episode first aired.

    Patty: Stick with me and you'll become a dynasty!
    Cathy: Stick with you and I'll become a one-woman sweatshop!

    Is it still possible to watch an old sitcom or family drama, if you know the child actors went through hell during, or after, the series? Can we really enjoy, say, Diff'rent Strokes knowing that Gary Coleman, Dana Plato and Todd Bridges had personal demons with whom they wrestled in ugly public ways? Knowing two of them died at a young age, and one from a suicide? Can we appreciate Eight is Enough knowing the drug-addled later lives in which some of the children from that show hit rock bottom?

    It started out even uglier, once upon a time, as when Jackie Coogan ended a successful career as a child actor in silent films, only to find out his parents frittered away all of his money and one of the most famous faces in the world was starting out adult life destitute. There's now a law in California called the "Jackie Coogan Law" that calls for a child actor's earnings to be placed in a trust to keep that from happening again...not that it doesn't. (Coogan never fully recovered until he landed the role of Uncle Fester on The Addams Family...more than 30 years later.)

    And then there's the case of Patty Duke.

    Granted, she immediately started making her own decisions almost the split second she turned 18. But she also had a decent adult career, even became president of the Screen Actors Guild. But what many classic TV fans may not know, is that the girl who played the daughter and niece of "Poppo" and Natalie on The Patty Duke Show, and the troubled daughter of Captain Heller in "The Miracle Worker" on Broadway and in the movies, could in that time of life, only find a normal, grounded family...in a script. Her real life read like a sick, show biz baby boomer version of a Charles Dickens novel.

    Her memory of her father was mostly of him propping her on a bar and having her recite "The Night Before Christmas" from memory, for which he would be rewarded with drinks. He eventually left the large Duke family, and was found dead years later in a flophouse.  Her unstable mother once brought all of the children into the main living room, turned on the gas and told everyone they were going to die. (The windows were still open, however.) She got into show business through her child-actor brother, who often did TV commercials as a way to help support the family.  Duke tells all of these stories in "Call Me Anna," her 1987 autobiography which recalls her troubled early life. She also tells of her bizarre, almost cult-like relationship with her managers, John and Ethel Ross, who acted as her personal dictators and spent her money on a lavish lifestyle for themselves. It began apparently with her white communion dress being arbitrarily dyed pink for an audition she ultimately didn't pass.

    Duke recalled Ethel as scarily temperamental, especially when she drank (which was often), with her husband John being kinder and perhaps as afraid of Ethel as Patty herself was. Which, by the way was another thing: Anna Marie Duke was born with another name. She never chose to change it; the Rosses chose to change it for her. One day, while curling young Anna's hair, Ethel matter-of-factly said, "Okay, we've finally decided we're going to change your name. Anna Marie is dead. You're Patty now." This, Patty Duke said, left her with a life-long fear and obsession with death, to the point of having constant nightmares about it. The hair-curling itself was part of an ominous pattern; Duke recalled constantly being berated about her looks, for instance there was a constant complaint about how she couldn't wear a ponytail on camera because her nose was supposedly too big. At an age when girls' self-esteem was so fragile and often dictated how they feel about themselves for life, this kind of language was as brutal as physical child abuse.

    The Rosses shopped her around to casting directors with a resume padded with false credits, and passed her off as six years old when she was eight. Duke recalls nothing she ever did was right, right down to the way she walked and talked and even brushed her teeth. Yet the Rosses eventually paid less attention to the other child actors they managed and focused on the more successful Patty, shepherding her through commercials for Beenie Weenies and Minute Maid Orange Juice, TV appearances on The Armstrong Circle Theater, The U.S. Steel Hour and The Hallmark Hall of Fame, and movies like "The Prince and the Pauper" and "The Goddess." On the daytime soap The Brighter Day, she was forced to work with a 104 degree temperature on live network TV and blew all of her lines.

    At the age of 13, the Rosses got her the part that made her famous: the young, insolent Helen Keller in the Broadway production of "The Miracle Worker." The busy Broadway schedule was used as the excuse for Patty to move in with the Rosses, visiting her own family only briefly on the weekends. During the week, at the Ross home, she wasn't allowed to have any privacy; her "bedroom" was actually a cot in a foyer where the Rosses' constantly ailing chihuahua also used the bathroom. In her book, Duke compares her mindset in this period of her life, to a coping mechanism by people in jail or mental institutions. At one point she was cut off in mid-sentence and told by Ethel Ross she wasn't allowed to have opinions. That wasn't a shut-up put-down, according to Duke, it was a rule to live by. "Nothing about me was good enough for these people," she recalled. "I felt as if they'd killed part of me, and in truth they had."

    Her time in the play made her the toast of Broadway (and the youngest person to ever get her name above the title on the marquee), but the Rosses fought to keep her from knowing that. They wouldn't let her read the opening night reviews for "The Miracle Worker," for instance, even though they were nearly all raves. Still, her growing star was not something the Rosses could hide forever, as people began spotting her in restaurants and speaking to her, and celebrities like Cary Grant and Elizabeth Taylor came to visit her backstage.

    It was during the filming of the movie version of that play, that her relationship with the Rosses took even sicker turns. First, the hard-drinking Ethel (who loved martinis and could finish a fifth of vodka in two days) began serving her virgin Bloody Marys, then started putting some alcohol in them. (Patty was already mixing drinks for the Rosses at the age of 13.) Then Ethel started taking phenobarbital, Stelazine, Thorazine, and Percodan, the latter up to eight times a week for her migraines, then started slipping them to Patty, saying "This one is the happy pill" and so forth. It was also during this time that John Ross (and on the first occasion, Ethel as well) tried to molest Patty. They all stayed in the same motel room--the Rosses on a bed, Patty on a cot--and on a long day by the pool, a sunburned, and banana-daquiri sozzled Patty (age 14) went to take a nap. John climbed in bed with her and started fondling her, while she pretended to sleep; Ethel was on the other side making similar moves. It ended when Patty threw up all over John.

    Patty's appearance in the movie version of "The Miracle Worker" won her an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, the youngest woman to ever win an Oscar (until Tatum O'Neal in the 1970s). She went to the Oscars with the Rosses, who brought their dog but wouldn't let Patty bring her own mother. The Oscar win led to ABC snapping her up for a series, with the idea not even being developed before they signed her. It was a vehicle just for her and it set another record, this one standing to this day: she's still the youngest person in the history of U.S. television to get her first and last name into the title of a TV show...that name so callously forced onto her by the Rosses.

    Shows featuring the classic nuclear family were on the downswing at this point; sure, The Donna Reed Show, The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet and Hazel were still around. But the 1960s were mostly a time for single parent sitcoms like My Three Sons and The Lucy Show, and with exceptions like Please Don't Eat the Daisies, mostly husband-and-wife sitcoms were the likes of, say, The Munsters, The Addams Family and Bewitched. So when The Patty Duke Show went the normal husband-and-wife route, it was a departure from a current trend...not to mention, of course, a departure from Patty Duke's twisted, weird-from-Mars personal family life.

    The idea developed around Patty Duke was meant to showcase two different parts of her personality and show off her acting range at the same time. Patty, who according to the theme song "only saw the sights a girl could see from Brooklyn Heights," lived with her parents Martin and Natalie, and her brother, named Ross after Patty's managers (and Duke avoided saying that name anymore than she had to, as she recalled later). Ross was played by Paul O'Keefe, who Duke later recalled worked so much that he wasn't around the set much, he was always rushing off to do "another toothpaste commercial." Duke also played her cousin Cathy, who was from Europe and had a generic European accent.

    The show's premise, at a time when special effects were still in their childhood on television and even more rare in sitcoms (Uncle Martin's antennas on My Favorite Martian were actually a surprisingly big deal), meant Patty Duke had to work twice as hard as other child performers of the era...plus, she played the lead role in the show. That meant very long workdays, which meant it couldn't be shot in California. Under California law, child actors were limited to work four hours a day, so the show was shot in Manhattan, since New York state didn't have such a law.

    Her TV parents included beloved character actor William Schallert as Martin Lane, a/k/a "Poppo," with whom Patty had a special relationship. In a 1963 Christmas themed episode he also played Cathy's father, Martin's twin brother, explaining how there were such a thing as "identical cousins." That means the young man who once appeared on an episode of Father Knows Best went on to play not one, not two, but three classic TV dads. (The third: Nancy's dad in the 1970s, on The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries.) His very  long list of TV guest star credits includes everything from Mr. and Mrs. North and Commander Cody, to True Blood and 2 Broke Girls. And he was also president of the Screen Actors Guild, and remained active ever since (including when his former TV daughter was president).

    Martin's TV wife, Jean Byron, was born in Kentucky and raised in California. Her resume started out with B-movies, and eventually she landed a recurring role on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, as Dr. Imogene Burkhart, a character named after her own real name. She made guest appearances here and there after the series ended.

    The show opened every week with one of classic TV's most beloved "theme songs that explained the show's premise," as well as one of the kitschiest.

    Actually, the show always had a "cold open" before each episode. And the one for the January 15, 1964 episode, "The Tycoons," opens with the identical cousins in their bedroom. Cathy is working a sewing machine; Patty is doing a crossword puzzle and talking about how she flunked sewing. "Why did they always have to use nervous needles?" She dubs Cathy's new cat-design, "Catnip."

    The next day, Patty spots Cathy at school, wearing "Catnip," and isn't exactly subtle about her critique. "If you'd told me you needed money for a new dress, I would've loaned you some...won't it make you feel naked wearing something no one else has on?" She calls it "catastrophic" and says it's not what the "in-group" is wearing, and it likely mirrors Patty Duke's real-life feelings about her wardrobe on the show. "Not only did I hate those clothes, but they put my name on some and successfully merchandised them, so a lot of other poor girls were walking around with the same ugly clothes I had to wear," she later recalled. And the merchandising part is likely what's happening here.

    Then their friend Mary says "That's a beautiful dress, where did you buy it?" and asks them to make one just like it, which Patty volunteers for $9.95 (the real-life price of the dress?). Another girl walks up, wants to know who sells them, Patty says "My partner and I, $9.95!" They start taking orders for "Catnip," even promising them as early as Monday; "My folks are taking me to Switzerland next week, could you send it over there?" "I'll send a note to our shipping department," Patty shoots back.  And so, even before the show's iconic opening credits, the new dress company is off and running.

    Directed by TV veteran Alan Rafkin, this episode was written by one of the show's two creators, Sidney Sheldon--the same Sheldon who would later create I Dream of Jeannie and write romance novels. And it was he who pitched the idea of Patty Duke playing "identical cousins" to match two different parts of her personality...something that would stand out in Duke's mind years later.

    After the first commercial break, we're already up to 43 orders, "...and that's just the first day, partner!" as Patty updates us. Then, in a conversation that could've been between Duke and her managers, Patty says,
    "Stick with me and you'll become a dynasty!" to which Cathy responds, "Stick with you and I'll become a one-woman sweatshop!" Indeed, As Cathy points out it took her three days to make the original dress, and will take 129 days for the orders, Patty simply says, "Together we're going to build an empire!"

    The two decide to go to Gregory Madison, said to be famous designer, for advice. His secretary tells him about the president and vice-president of the "Worldwide Dress Company" (apparently named after a request by one girl to send a dress to Switzerland), saying via telegram they're coming to visit at four o'clock. Madison, played by 1950s TV comedian and frequent game show panelist Robert Q. Lewis, stocks cigars in anticipation of the coming executives. (In 1964 that joke said as much about their gender as it did about their age.) When they show up, he does that famous double take everyone always did when they met the twin cousins.

    ""It's all right for you to look at it, we've already applied for the patent," he's told, as the two sell him on the design while he makes his own suggestions.

    By the time Martin comes home from work, he finds the sign for WWDC, guessing it stands for "women's white dresses cleaned" or "why worry desperate centipedes?"

    Ross: She's going to be a typhoon!
    Natalie: No dear, a typhoon is a big wind.
    Martin: That's close enough.

    As the WWDC holds its "executive meeting" in Martin's study, its executes guess they'll make $4 per dress. Patty's boyfriend Richard talks about $40,000 for 10,000 dresses and goofily goes on and on with his math. (He's played by actor Eddie Applegate, who in real life was ten years older than Duke and married.) Patty the tycoon exploits Cathy, the labor, by asking for ten more dresses to sell at a department store. "Zip! Zip! Zip! Good ol' American know-how!" Patty says before she goes to a movie. (The show was surprisingly good at character development and even "attitude," even if it was weak with dialogue.)

    The two talk a buyer at Wanamaker's department store into a sale, despite their lack of manufacturing experience. "If you can guarantee delivery, I'll give you an order for one," the buyer says. Patty hoped for a larger order, so with a delivery date Friday, on a consignment basis, she agrees to make that two...gross

    "Did she say two gross?" they say a few minutes later . When they realize one gross =144 dresses, they starrt freaking out, since they're due only three days away.

    After ordering material and renting sewing machines, there's now a factory in Martin's study, mostly manned by the very customers who are buying them. (Try pulling that one off, American Apparel.)

    Martin: Patty, are you sure you're ready to be the president of a company?
    Natalie: Oh, don't be a big business pooper.

    A man who's with the small business bureau shows up and take notes about operating on premises, employees, etc. "We wouldn't want them to feel neglected. They have a partner...Uncle Sam!" He hands out W-4 forms, unemployment, says need zoning and residential manufacturing waiver. Richard pops in, says he needs extra postage to send one to Switzerland, prompting the guy to say "And an export license!" As he leaves saying they'll be hearing from other departments, Martin mutters, "Small business pooper!"

    In true sitcom fashion, in the next scene, the cousins talk about how it was all straightened out.

    Cathy:It was wonderful of your father to straighten out all of that red tape for us.
    Patty: It only took two lawyers, an accountant and a business manager...Gives you a feeling of power, doesn't it?
    Cathy: Gives me a feeling of panic!

    Just as they've ordered material for 300 more dresses, suddenly there's a girl at school taking orders for a new dress design that has a current boyfriend on it. Patty tries to tell them it's impractical, "What if you change boyfriends?" But it doesn't work and suddenly they have serious competition and waning interest in the cat design.

    Martin comes home as Richard is walking around the living room full of packages, with a clipboard; Martin suggests they're counting their money and thinks he was wrong about this group. But the go-go capitalist Patty is suddenly singing a different tune. "Welcome to Bankrupt Manor. I'm possibly the youngest failure in America!" she says. The consigned dresses were returned, and they're stuck with 25 dresses and $150 in the hole. Martin, after telling Patty how proud he is of what she learned about business and responsbility, pays half and tells the girls they can slowly pay the other half back out of their allowance (wow, there's a lot of math in this episode), and they decide to donate the dresses to charity and spend their remaining assets ($1.25) on ice cream sodas.

    The epilogue seemed a bit jarring; Patty invites Cathy to a movie but she's making a hat. Patty then thoughtfully says, "You know something?" as Cathy slowly says "Yes" and rips up the hat. Not put the hat down, mind you, but rip it up. Really? She can't just have a hobby?

    The entire series was like this--Patty was always the one wanting to make a quick buck (or hatch a wild scheme) while poor Cathy was the classy, European-accented Ethel to Patty's Lucy. (Duke says character wise, she adored Cathy but disliked Patty.) The show churned out three seasons' worth of episodes a lot like this one--the attitude, and situations, make the whole show. I remember seeing a really funny one featuring future Hill Street Blues star Daniel J. Travanti as a star football player who falls for Cathy, and takes on her interests in art and poetry. It makes him suddenly sensitive and causes the team's fortunes to nosedive.

    But playing both lead characters wasn't enough, apparently, for poor Patty Duke...she also had to record several songs (two of which actually made the top ten) and do commercials for the show's sponsor, Breck.

    Patty Duke turned 18 during the series' third season, and pretty much became a woman by the time the series ended. She developed a crush on one of the show's second directors, Harry Falk, and they eventually dated, then married. And that gave her the golden opportunity to break away from the Rosses. It was ugly--they swore she'd never work again--but it happened, and Duke no longer had to face the hellish lifestyle of being their surrogate abused child. But when the two got married, Duke also found out they'd squandered a vast majority of her earnings over the years, from "The Miracle Worker" and The Patty Duke Show. The Coogan Law, being local only to California, couldn't help her in New York.

    In 1966, when ABC and United Artists negotiated for a fourth season, ABC (like the other two broadcast networks) was switching its entire prime time lineup to color, and informed UA of this. UA, however, said no, they'd stick to black and white. Duke has said this was likely a negotiating ploy on UA's part that failed miserably, and the show was cancelled as a result, despite still respectable ratings. (Another ABC show cancelled that same year: The Addams Family, starring Duke's future third husband, John Astin.) This freed Duke to make new career choices, however sometimes questionable (like her turn as an aspiring pop star in the movie "Valley of the Dolls"). She won an Emmy in 1970 but her meandering acceptance speech lead numerous people to question whether she was drunk or on drugs. Duke herself didn't know the answer until something happened in the early 1980s that totally redefined her whole life and everything we thought we knew about her: she was diagnosed as being manic-depressive, or as we call it now, bipolar. This explained a lot: her Emmy speech, for instance, was likely a manic episode. And when she got the diagnosis, it did, indeed, cross her mind that Sidney Sheldon once told her Patty and Cathy were modeled after two different parts of her personality.

    Duke finally got all of this--the child abuse, exploitative behavior, her mental illness, the misery at the hands of the now-dead Rosses--off her chest in her 1987 autobiography "Call Me Anna," in which she called Patty and Cathy Lane "two halves that didn't equal a whole." She even re-enacted some difficult moments in her life when her book was made into a TV movie. But she also came to peace with those "two halves" when she reprised the characters in a 1999 made for TV reunion movie, "The Patty Duke Show: Still Rockin' in Brooklyn Heights," for CBS. (By then, the fact that the entire regular cast was still alive was a rarity, even more rare that they all agreed to appear in the movie.)

    One final thought: child actors may be treated better now than they were back in the 1960s (and for all I know, they may not) but Duke's awful, off-screen story, still wasn't typical even for that era. Even the show's crew, who knew they were filming in New York to grind out longer work days not permissible under California child labor laws, had no idea of the abuse, the sausage grinder of a life at the hands of two managers who wanted as a child of her own, just so they could squeeze money out of her. Meanwhile, other child actors at the time had different experiences. Ronny Howard, for instance, was encouraged to have friends and an otherwise normal childhood when he played Opie on The Andy Griffith Show, so his performances would be grounded in reality. They even allowed him to go out for Little League in the greater Los Angeles area, even planning the show's shooting schedule around his practices and games. That might have happened with Patty Duke...if the Rosses had allowed her anything resembling a personal life.

    Today, when you see those reruns, it may be tough to enjoy the show's wacky situations and corny dialogue when you realize the living hell Patty Duke was put through to make it. When you watch them now, pay attention to the special talents and tortured smile of Anna Marie Duke, who managed to find two well fleshed out characters at a time when she was strictly forbidden to even try to find herself.

    Availability: the entire series is on DVD and select episodes are available on Amazon.
    Next time on this channel: Queen for a Day.

    This blog is a member of the Classic TV Blog Association.




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  6. Lots of Curves, You Bet!

    Like the scenery around a moving train, Petticoat Junction seemed to change constantly...and so did our perceptions of it

    Petticoat Junction, "Bobbie Jo and the Beatnik"
    OB: January 7, 1964, 9 p.m. EST, CBS
    This episode first aired a week before I was born.

    Petticoat Junction, "My Daughter, the Doctor"
    OB: January 14, 1964, 9 p.m. EST, CBS
    I was born the day this episode first aired.

    This review is part of the Summer of MeTV Classic TV Blogathon hosted by the Classic TV Blog Association. Click here  to check out this blogathon's complete schedule.


    Definition of the word "Showrunner": "...the person responsible for all creative aspects of the show, and responsible only to the network (and production company, if it's not his production company). The boss. Usually a writer." --Alex Epstein, The Crafty TV and Screenwriting Blog.

    That's a fairly new term to me. I first heard it used to describe J. J. Abrams' role behind the scenes of Lost, then David Chase' similar, earlier role on The Sopranos. Most of today's TV, including almost all dramatic television, is based on the idea of showrunner-as-auteur (The first two I mentioned, plus, say, Matthew Weiner of Mad Men, David Simon of The Wire and Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Joss Whedon).

    Fact of the matter is, there have been executive producers who almost creatively fit the modern, 21st Century definition of "showrunner" as far back as the 1950s. You could argue the first showrunner was Desi Arnaz, though 1950s TV viewers didn't discuss, say, whether I Love Lucy fit his vision or was a big metajoke based on the most powerful woman in television pretending to be constantly kept from breaking into show business. Other, arguable "showrunners" of classic TV: Nat Hiken (The Phil Silvers Show, Car 54 Where Are You?), Sterling Silliphant (The Naked City, Route 66), Rod Serling (The Twilight Zone), Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek) and Norman Lear (All in the Family, Maude). All of these shows were the visions their executive producers wanted you to see. They clearly did more than make sure the studio space was rented and the car wrangler had procured enough vehicles. Even shows that had multiple showrunners over the years, like, say, The Virginian, had behind-the-scenes stories about how the show had to adapt to different visions as executive producers turned over, while struggling to keep the characters and premise familiar enough to viewers.

    ...which brings us, oddly enough, to Petticoat Junction and its executive producer and showrunner, Paul Henning.

    Say what you will about Paul Henning and/or his work, but when you watched a Paul Henning series, you knew what you were going to get, how it would look, how it would feel, whether it would be funny and if so, why. And you could probably bet an entire week's salary you were going to see something politically incorrect. The "Paul Henning Trilogy" (as Joel Hodgson once ingeniously called it on Mystery Science Theater 3000) consisted of the culturally iconic class satire, The Beverly Hillbillies; that great underrated experiment in 1960s absurdist humor, Green Acres; and the show that more or less spun off Green Acres, the far less absurd Petticoat Junction.

    A native of Missouri, Henning reportedly got personal advice from none other than future President Harry S Truman to be a lawyer. Instead Henning wanted to be a singer on the radio. When he got that job at a small radio station, he had to write a lot of his own material, which led to his writing for radio shows like Fibber McGee & Molly and The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show. Henning followed that last pair over to television, where he wrote much of their first two seasons and quite a few scripts for The Bob Cummings Show (or as it's been known since network daytime reruns, Love That Bob). When he wrote for Gracie Allen, Henning (and anyone else who wrote for her) invented a whole new universe of logic that made all the sense in the world to Gracie but none to, say, George, or Gracie's next door neighbor Blanche (Bea Benaderet). And on the more politically incorrect Bob Cummings Show, we get a glimpse of how Henning often treated women on his later shows.

    I've written before about how CBS in the early 1960s was such a schizophrenic network--with the quality sought out by, and prided by, chairman Bill Paley (The Twilight Zone, The Dick Van Dyke Show) colliding with the lowest-common-denominator material approved by network president Jim Aubrey (The Beverly Hillbillies). And sometimes there was even a show that had something for both--Route 66, for instance, had high-quality scripts and production values that appealed to Paley, and the hunky guys, fist fights and beautiful girls that made Aubrey's world turn 'round. Henning was clearly on Team Aubrey, so much so that their cozy relationship would be part of Aubrey's undoing and ouster at the network (Henning actually paid for a condo for Aubrey, for instance, running afoul of the network's conflict-of-interest policies).

    The Beverly Hillbillies had mostly been critically reviled (though TV Guide's Cleveland Amory came around...a little) but a runaway freight train of a hit for CBS, topping the Neilsens for two seasons in a row. So Aubrey certainly had Henning's ear for a new series for the 1963-64 season. Henning came up with one based on stories told by his wife, Ruth, about a hotel in Eldon, Missouri, located near the Rock Island Railroad, that she often visited with her cousins. This was shaped into what would be called at various times, Ozark Widow, Whistle Stop and Dern Tootin', before it got the title we all know, Petticoat Junction.
    My knowledge of the show is a perfect example of how our perspectives of the show evolved so much over the years. When I was a toddler and a pre-K boob tube worshiper, and new episodes were still being brought to us on CBS by the makers of Tide detergent and Ivory Soap, I'm pretty sure I loved the show for its train, and because Uncle Joe reminded me of a fat Mr. Green Jeans from Captain Kangaroo. It was when I rediscovered the syndicated reruns during puberty that I started paying more attention to Bobbie Jo, Billie Jo and Betty Jo.

    But as a full-fledged adult, looking back now, Jim Aubrey's influence couldn't be more obvious. The show had a big T&A factor, with pretty girls and (as critics still bemoan when a new season is released on DVD) lots of sexual repression. The opening credits, theme song and even title is arguably loaded with Freudian imagery, right down to the train and the girls bathing (naked!) in the railroad's water tower, as a leering male vocalist sings "Lots of curves, you bet/and even more when you get/to the Junction."
    But years later, as it pops up in reruns on MeTV, it seems more innocent, more wistful and nostalgic, like the more grounded older sibling of its 1965 spinoff, Green Acres, its more sedate, dry humor being perhaps a ying to the wilder, more colorful yang of Acres. Many people seem to understand it was a different era. The show, and the time in which it was filmed, never changed, but television and the rest of us did.

    Henning brought his longtime associate, Bea Benaderet from the Burns & Allen days, over from her role as Cousin Pearl on The Beverly Hillbillies to headline the show as Kate Bradley, the widowed mother of teenagers Bobby Jo, Billie Jo and Betty Jo. She ran the historic Shady Rest Hotel, originally built to be accessible only by railroad, and was still so in the 1960s. Kate's Uncle Joe, the girls' great uncle, managed to have the jobs of hotel handyman and volunteer fire chief and do as little as possible at either one, which is why Kate is seen having to wake him up in the opening credits.
    It all takes place near and around (specifically, a short ways up the track from) Hooterville, a small whistlestop town and bedroom community to the apparently larger Pixley in an unknown state. Unlike Mayberry of The Andy Griffith Show, which had a vibrant town square that was at once accessible and still busy, Hooterville was more of a "wide place in the road," more like many of the rural, unincorporated communities I often drive through here in Alabama that don't have mayors or city councils but actually have volunteer fire departments and even their own post offices and zip codes.
    Benaderet had been a veteran of old time radio, appearing in everything from Amos 'n' Andy to Fibber McGee & Molly, but best remembered for her work with Jack Benny, Burns & Allen and (in My Favorite Husband) with Lucille Ball. In fact, Ball wanted her to play Ethel on I Love Lucy, but Benaderet was already under contract with The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show, which by then had left radio for TV. Bea also worked for years in Warner Brothers cartoons, most notably as the sweet granny who owns Tweety Bird. When she began Petticoat Junction she was actually wrapping up one final season of voicework, this time as Betty Rubble on The Flintstones.
    She is joined on Petticoat Junction by veteran character actor Edgar Buchanan as Uncle Joe. Buchanan was a veteran of numerous movies (sharing the soundstage with John Wayne and Doris Day) and numerous TV shows (from Gunsmoke to two memorable episodes of Leave It to Beaver). Henning invoked the nepotism clause for the part of the tomboyish Betty Jo; she's played by his own daughter, Linda Kaye Henning, who was said to be the inspiration for the tomboyish animal lover Elly May Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies. Betty Jo (and even Kate) occasionally even ran the train, the antique 1800s era Cannonball, that had become disconnected from the main railroad and began to function as more or less a hotel shuttle and a forerunner of rural public transportation.

    Linda Kaye Henning was a regular for the run of the show, but the other two Bradley daughters had some turnover. Jeannine Riley was the original Billie Jo, with Pat Woodell as Bobbie Jo. They would both depart in 1965--just as the show was switching over to color--with Lori Saunders taking over as Bobbie Joe. Future Hee Haw honey Gunilla Hutton would play Billie Jo for one season before the role was taken over in 1966 by the beloved Meredith MacRae, daughter of actors Gordon and Sheila MacRae and a former My Three Sons regular. In fact, that classic version of the show so many people remember--in color, with Benaderet, Saunders and MacRae all together at the same time--only existed for two seasons (1966-68) before Benaderet's losing battle with lung cancer and, tragically, her death, removed her from the show. Former Lassie and Lost in Space mother June Lockhart filled her void as the Hooterville doctor during the series' last season and a half.

    I was born halfway through the series' debut season, the one that saw it race up the Neilsen tracks to end the season as the fourth most popular show on television. It was a season that set the stage for the rest of the series and explained so much of the show's origins, while tinkering with a format as it struggled to avoid becoming a one plot show. ("Remember that Petticoat Junction episode where the stranger came to town?")

    Before I look at the show that aired the night I was born, a word about the role of music on this show. Of Paul Henning's so-called "trilogy," this is the one that featured the most musical numbers. Sometimes it fit--people gathering in the parlor while someone sang and someone played the piano is fairly common in real life, and just seems natural--and sometimes it looks like a goofy musical number (which, in this post-Buffy, post-Scrubs, age of Glee, might even be more readily acceptable now, despite all the cheesiness). Music would become especially important in the later years as MacRae and actor Mike Minor (Steve Elliott, eventually the husband of Betty Jo and father of Kathy Jo) were trained singers and their voices were featured prominently. In later years it wasn't unsual to hear, say, MacRae sing a Dionne Warwick song, or even Minor croon the Beatles' "When I'm 64." Plus as Carl Reiner once let slip about The Dick Van Dyke Show, the more music there was in a half-hour comedy, the less work the writers had to do...so the writers loved it.

    "Step to the right, to the left, then the hop, with your partner," "That's the Hooterville Hop!" we hear at the beginning of "My Daughter, the Doctor." We see Bobby Joe and Betty Jo dancing with one of their male friends, to a dance craze that appears to be exclusive to the Hooterville valley. At a time when American pop music was transforming from Bobby Vinton and Frankie Valli to the Beatles and Motown, a variation of the early 1950s "Bunny Hop" which uses the tune of the show's theme song is enough to capture the imagination of Hooterville's young people, reinforcing the "alternate society" of its escapist premise.

    Kate enters with an important letter for Billie Jo and is brought into the "Hop," which the girls say their friend Paul invented and which everyone is learning for the big school dance. She's told Billie Jo is practicing archery with a couple more male friends.

    Kate has news: she informs the two girls their sister is going to be a doctor, which leaves the two gobsmacked. "Hooterville's Tuesday Weld?" says Bobbie Jo. "Miss Built Best from the Shady Rest?" pipes up Betty Jo.

    What happens next is a rare area where Petticoat Junction actually one-ups The Andy Griffith Show. On Griffith we almost never heard back stories, just occasional snippets about, say, the time Andy froze in a high school biology class, or differing years as to when Barney began working as a deputy. We never heard details about, say, Andy's own parents or what exactly happened to Opie's mother. But here is where we get the complete back story on the girls and the fact they actually had a father.

    The day before Billie Jo, the oldest, was born, her father William, "Rest his soul" as Kate says, took out an endowment policy "to send his son to medical school." He was so convinced his first child was going to be a boy he has his name and career all picked out, Dr. William Bradley Jr. When Betty Jo asks if he was disappointed, Kate says, "Not when he saw her. Then he was the proudest father in the whole valley." Then the same thing happened all over again when Kate was expecting Bobbie Jo, but then it was "Dr. Robert Bradley." "And then I had to go and let him down again," says Bobbie Jo, with Betty Jo adding, "He must've really flipped when I came along."

    Kate says "Your father loved all of you with all his heart. Why, he wouldn't have traded you three girls for the Mayo brothers." But apparently female doctors were a "last resort" in those days. Still, when "Bill, your father, saw that he had an all-girl family, he went back to his original plan to send his first child to medical school." He even introduced her as "my daughter, the doctor" when she was a child.

    That's when Billie Jo and her male friends arrive, Billie Jo being touted as a "natural for archery." Billie Jo proudly, but cluelessly, brags about how she was told she "almost has perfect form already," a double entendre that gets an eyeroll from Kate and a chuckle from the laugh track. (There's an uncomfortable amount of dialogue about the girls' bodies.)

    "Five hundred dollars?!" an excited and wide-eyed Billie Jo exclaims when she sees the check."Mom, that means I can do what I've been planning and dreaming about for so long, I can go to Hollywood!" The
    "Hooterville Hop" suddenly resumes without anyone turning on a record player, but Kate takes Billie Jo into the kitchen to tell her, even though her father would never want her to do anything against her will, "It was his last wish, so give it a lot of consideration." What Billie Jo really wants to do, however, is go to Hollywood and make movies with Rock Hudson (and when Riley left the show in 1965, it was actually to pursue a movie career). Kate tries to reason that thousands of girls go to Hollywood for that very reason every year, and most either come home brokenhearted or worse yet, stay there brokenhearted. But Billie Jo is insisting she'll be rich enough to take care of the whole family.

    Uncle Joe comes in and puts in his two cents. "Why Billie Jo, Hollywood is no place for a young, innocent girl like you...why, those wolves would be at you the minute you got there!" His answer: he'll go to Hollywood with her and be her manager. (Uncle Joe's hobby was apparently to collect positions of responsibility and be lazy at them.)

    Kate's reaction to this is to try to bring Dr. Pugh over to talk to Billie Jo. She finds a train car full of women who also, suddenly, want to see the doctor. Floyd the train conductor (played by Rufe Davis, who had previously been a character actor in B-westerns) tells her Dr. Pugh has a new, handsome assistant, Dr. Harris. "I hear he doesn't even have to tell the women to say 'ah,' they say it the minute they see him," says Floyd.

    After a trip to the Hooterville station (and a commercial break), she calls Dr. Pugh on a pay phone to ask about the assistant. "Yes, I know he's too young for me," says Kate, who explains she wants Dr. Harris to visit the Shady Rest to convince Billie Jo to go to medical school. The guise is to pretend it's an emergency, and she says it'll involve Uncle Joe so she won't really be lying.

    After the train is turned around for the trip back, we see the doctor, played by none other than a pre-Batman Adam West. The train pulls out on Kate's signal leaving a bunch of disappointed women at the station.

    As the most famous train in television history brings Dr. Harris and Kate back to the Shady Rest, we find everyone--all three daughters, male friends, even Uncle Joe--doing the Hooterville Hop in the lobby. until Uncle Joe says he needs some "high protein energy building food" and heads to the kitchen for some pie. With Dr. Harris held up on the train, Kate interrupts the hop party to tell everyone to pretend Uncle Joe is sick and look worried, and tells Billie Jo to "look beautiful and worried." (Yes, I cringed too.) Kate catches Uncle Joe in the kitchen eating pie, and gets him to "audition" to test his own acting skills, in case Billie Jo doesn't make it in Hollywood and he has to act. He's to pretend to be sick, and he'll get an entire pie in bed.

    Uncle Joe tells about the dizzy spells and says he didn't notice them because of the stabbing pain in his arm and his bad back. "I'm just one big mass of misery," says Uncle Joe. What unfolds is one of those sitcom scenes where a lie is so fragile and always on the verge of falling apart; when the doc asks how long Uncle Joe had the symptoms, Kate says "a week" and Joe says "a month" simultaneously, leading Kate to say "A month and a week." When she leaves, Joe tells her to get that pie ready. Dr. Harris says, "I don't believe we should be eating any pie," to which Joe responds, "I wasn't planning on sharing any with you, doc!"

    Downstairs, Billie Jo has left for the lake with Junior, and everyone else--even Floyd the conductor and Charley the engineer (Smiley Burnett, another actor from 1930s B-movies and a frequent performer with Gene Autry)--are still doing the Hooterville Hop. Kate sends Charley to get Billie Jo, preferably without Junior, and joins in the hop. Dr. Harris sees this and assumes they're not too worried about Uncle Joe, so he starts to leave. That's when they try to sell him on the idea that the hop is actually a disease that affects the foot muscles.

    After a commercial break, Kate is still desperately trying to keep Dr. Harris at the hotel until Billie Jo gets back. That includes checking Betty Jo for some poison ivy she suffered earlier.

    Dr. Harris: I'm afraid I'm too late, Mrs. Bradley.
    Kate: You mean it's serious?
    Dr. Harris: It's gone.
    Kate: What about the other leg?
    Dr. Harris: It's very lovely, they make a nice pair.

    So then Kate suddenly complains about her foot (the whole "Hooterville Hop is a contagious disease" bit seemed to resolve itself during the commercial). While he's looking at the foot and a made up eye problem, Billie Jo finally arrives, so Kate sends them upstairs so she can see Dr. Harris run some tests on Uncle Joe.

    Dr. Harris takes Uncle Joe's blood pressure, finding it highly elevated (and Uncle Joe melodramatically asking to make out his will). Then he takes blood from Uncle Joe, with Billie Joe cleaning his finger with alcohol. An excited Kate goes to get her sisters, as Dr. Harris takes the blood. When he turns to Billie Jo, she's lying on the floor, having fainted at the first sight of blood. And that ends the medical career of Billie Jo Bradley.

    The episode ends with everyone, including the doctor, doing the Hooterville Hop (he's now paired off with Billlie Jo), while Uncle Joe, now having convinced himself he's at death's door, worries down a lemon meringue pie. This was actually the start of a three-episode story arc about Billie Jo's determined dream to go to Hollywood. But ultimately, Billie Jo learns that life in Hooterville isn't so bad after all and ends up living in the area for another six years at least, because what more could she ask? (Later on, the version of Billie Jo played by Meredith MacRae tried very hard for a singing career and actually had more success.)

    The rural setting around Hooterville was supposed to represent a peaceful status quo. Outsiders often brought in temptations or their own troubles; in the first episode we meet the show's one-note (but still hilarious) villain, Homer Bedloe, the railroad company president bound and determined to shut down the Cannonball and by extension, the Shady Rest Hotel. And as "The Hooterville Hop" joined the Twist and other famous dances that burned out quickly, Beatlemania finally swept the Hooterville Valley. All three daughters, with The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis' Sheila James rounding out the quartet, formed their own group, the Ladybugs. They even performed that way in a real-world appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show.

    The week before I was born, the episode "Bobbie Jo and the Beatnik" shook up the Hooterville status quo in a surprisingly edgy way, with a surprisingly edgy actor: a young Dennis Hopper. All of this, of course, was done in the name of defending the status quo.

    As we meet Alan Landman (Hopper) in the very first scene, he's already picking apart Bobbie Jo's whole way of life. They've walked up from Hooterville along the tracks, her hanging on his every word, and her simple invitation for dinner and a warm bath at the hotel is met with his complaining about people who say "How do you do?" and don't care.He says if someone asked about her day at school and she said "Lousy," they say "Fine, let's eat!" "You're a dove, I'm an eagle, I'm screaming at life, eager to tear it wide open!"

    Ultimately, the first impressions all around are not great. He pretty much lets a flirty Billie Jo know she's an airhead, while she says he's in love...with himself. When he tries to describe his poetry to Uncle Joe, whose idea of poetry is a limerick, Alan says, "My poetry is a cry of anguish in the tortured night." "Oh, you write jingles for them indigestion commercials!" (This particular episode has a lot of sharp, funny dialogue.)

    After dinner, Kate decides to host a poetry discussion, with Charley, Uncle Joe and Floyd joining along with Bobbie Jo and Alan. We get a feeling of how things are going to go when Kate starts off reciting from memory, the passage, "Here with a loaf of bread beneath the bough, a flask of wine and thou singing in the wilderness," from "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam."

    Charley: Ain't that kind of risque for mixed company?
    Floyd: I don't think so, they were just singing and drinking a little wine.
    Charley: But they're out in the wilderness!
    Uncle Joe: True, but they could be married, it don't say.
    Charley: A man don't go out in the woods with his wife!
    Uncle Joe: Yeah, but he was drinking wine, don't forget!

    Kate asks if anyone else has poetry, prompting Uncle Joe to come up with...

    "I've never seen a purple cow,
    I never hope to see one.
    But I can tell you anyhow,
    I'd rather see than be one!" then laughs at himself. He's the only one, prompting him to say, "Come to think of it, it ain't so funny!"

    Alan, by contrast, saying "I don't know if I'm far enough out for you cats or not!" reads his latest poem.

    "A gaunt, thin winding wind,
    Defiles the groaning bones of neon-blinded seekers,
    After murky morning,
    The burning mud explodes
    A screaming pathway,
    Through hollow thunder of agony.
    I fall! I fall! And cheated dreams
    A toenail splits!" then he snaps his fingers.

    After Uncle Joe grouses "I'd like to know what it means, if anything," Alan gets back up and says, "It means, that this is a cemetery, and you're all corpses. Good night!" He walks out and Bobbie Jo  goes after him. We actually see her take a draw on his cigarette and choke a bit.  When she says she wishes she could express herself the way he does, Kate eavesdrops as he tells her, "You'll never do it around here, baby!" and they leave for a walk.

    Kate and Alan later have a private, to the point chat. He says he plans to send for Bobbie Jo when he gets to New Orleans, hanging out with musician friends. "So you plan to live your life as a parasite? That means sponge," says the cognitively dissonant Kate, whose Uncle Joe is one of the laziest characters in television history. Alan tells Kate her "old fashioned ideas about working hard and living clean" are "all a bunch of junk," and he'll be taking off in the morning. Kate is very concerned, that even if he leaves and Bobbie Jo never hears from him again, she'll always remember him as a courageous, romantic rebel. Kate tells Uncle Joe the worst thing she can do is have a talk with Bobbie Jo, then fails to take her own advice and tells Bobbie Jo about how he just lives off other people because he doesn't want to fight for a job.

    The next morning, as Alan gets ready to hit the road, a Mr. Stanley in the dog food business checks into the Shady Rest. Mr. Stanley complains about how he's offered a $2,000 bonus to anyone in his ad agency who can come up with a good radio and television jingle for his company and no one can come up with one. Alan seems interested in the money...sure enough, we hear him following Stanley around, spouting off lines like "Rollo Dog Food is never gummy, can't form a ball in your puppy's tummy, Rollo Dog Food is doggone yummy!" "Speaking from the dog's viewpoint, it doesn't make my tail wag!" says the dog food CEO.

    Bobbie Jo overhears his, considering the money might give him the money to write real poetry, since he has real talent. Just in time for that, Alan can be heard saying "Give your dog some Rollo now, makes him say 'Bow wow wow!'" Stanley says he wants someone who thinks like a dog, and admits he himself wants to chase cats into trees. That prompts Alan to confess he likes to chase cars and bite at the tires.

    The two form a partnership, sealed with the two barking at each other as Bobbie Jo looks on in horror. (It's a funny enough scene made funnier by the sight of Dennis Hopper barking like a dog.) The beat poet has just sold out and transformed into a mad man. And it turns out the dog food CEO is actually a restaurant supply salesman posing on Kate's behalf. (The episode ending is rather ironic as it seems to predict how the edgy Hopper, who would later make groundbreaking films like "Easy Rider" and "Blue Velvet," would end up late in life doing commercials for retirement planning.)

    The show evolved almost constantly, unusually so for a sitcom that prided itself on living in its own world, where life supposedly never changes. Although the girls are supposed to be teenagers at first, we never see them graduate or anything, one day they're suddenly women. One surprisingly big change in season two, is when the Bradleys adopt their nameless stray dog, played by trainer Frank Inn's star dog, Higgins. One of the most memorable movies of my childhood, "Benji," starred Higgins in the title role, with Uncle Joe himself, Edgar Buchanan, in a small role as a butcher who feeds him scraps.

    As the series progresses, Betty Jo marries Steve Elliott, the crop duster whose plane has a "hard landing" near the hotel, and the tomboy becomes a woman whose whole world is apparently her home and especially her kitchen. There's even a production number, set to the Glen Campbell song, "Dreams of an Everyday Housewife," that celebrates it. When Kate abruptly leaves down for reasons never fully explained (the death of Bea Benaderet making it necessary), the girls are forced to grow up. Billie Jo, in the capable hands of Meredith MacRae, becomes the "smart one," while Bobbie Joe devolves into a ditz. And despite Kate's failed January 14, 1964 experiment with Billie Jo, there is a doctor living at the Shady Rest--Dr. Craig, played by June Lockhart, who treats the three sisters more as equals than as surrogate daughters.

    The show's ratings plummeted after the death of Bea Benaderet, and although some fans claim the ratings were just starting to pick up midway through the 1969-70 television season, CBS cancelled Petticoat Junction. The cast were able to reappear months later for a final bow, as they and the cast of Green Acres made a multi-episode Thanksgiving-themed crossover appearance on The Beverly Hillbillies. Months later, the other two shows would themselves be on the cancellation block, part of the big CBS rural purge of 1971 (when "they cancelled everything with a tree in it").

    Today, it's considered the lesser of the "Paul Henning Trilogy," and surprisingly it's the most polarizing. Some classic TV fans simply think it's dull; some are fans who are able to get past the sexism of the 1960s, to enjoy the chemistry of the actors and the episodes that can sometimes be rather funny. (When Green Acres was spun off and some of that series' regulars made crossover appearances, the writing especially picked up; Uncle Joe's scheme with the doorknobs, for instance, itself looks more like a Green Acres episode.)

    But in the case of Petticoat Junction, getting past the sexism was quite a trip, as there's more of it here than most other shows of the period. And this being the least zany of the Henning trio perhaps implies it's to be taken slightly more seriously. It's almost as if the show's central theme is the eternal search for a husband to make everything right. Even now, one reviewer of a Petticoat Junction DVD set blasted the show for the way the girls displayed their sexuality but made it clear it was all repressed, and the setting--with a rail line cut off from the main line--a "celebration of xenophobia," an ideal world all to itself (as opposed to the more welcoming atmosphere of Mayberry). (To be fair, that might be a rather strong and unfair criticism, as there's no evidence the characters are actually prejudiced, just isolationist.) At least one message board poster said she couldn't bear to watch some of the more sexist early episodes, like the one in which Kate tells Betty Jo to take a dive in a horseshoe tournament to save a man's pride.

    In the end, Petticoat Junction really seemed to want to celebrate women in general--after all, the main character was a woman running a hotel--but with its staff of male writers, didn't quite know how to do it in the 1960s. It says a lot that the characters changed--but not necessarily evolved--over the years, being independent, then not so much, in fits and starts.

    But perhaps it speaks volumes that, when the final season's summer reruns played out and the show finally left CBS in September 1970--the show that premiered in its time slot the following week featured a radically different portrayal of women: The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

    Availability: the show's first three seasons are available on DVD. A number of later shows are on Youtube, and of course, the show is rerun on MeTV.

    Next time on this channel: The Patty Duke Show.


    This blog is a member of the Classic TV Blog Association.

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  7. A Vision of Yesterday's Tomorrow
    Part two of our look at the 1964 World's Fair is a more critical look, through the eyes of NBC Newsman Edwin Newman.

    A World's Fair Diary, NBC News special narrated by Edwin Newman
    OB: July 30, 1964, 10 p.m. EST, NBC
    I was six months old when this special was first broadcast.

    Edwin Newman probably first crossed into my vision when he did daily NBC News updates during the network's game show-laden lineup in the 1970s, just five minutes or so of news briefs with a sponsor I.D. for Johnson's Wax at the tail end of The Hollywood Squares. I also remember him being the newsreader for David Letterman's ill-fated daytime show in 1980. To most of America he had become known as a man who narrated documentaries, anchored political conventions and even two presidential debates, and hosted a weekly interview series featuring noted authors and politicians and even heads of state. And perhaps most notably, he wrote a book about the English language and how it's often badly misused, for which this entire blog would likely fail miserably to pass muster.
    So when I, an aspiring broadcast news student, got to meet Newman in the 1980s, I was, quite frankly, intimidated. He was at the University of Alabama in Birmingham to deliver a lecture on the English language. I had a vision of a cranky, curmudgeonly, perhaps somewhat elite newsman who had no time to suffer nonsense, perhaps harshly correcting the grammar of the attendees who asked questions at the end of his talk.

    It turns out, he couldn't have been farther from that. That night at UAB, he was actually a very nice, agreeable man, peeking his uncharacteristically smiling face from behind a curtain just before his introduction (and getting applause even for that). He did, indeed, give a talk about the English language and how often it's misused on television and in commercials, by people like longtime ABC sportscaster Howard Cosell who should know better. (His verbatim quote of one of Cosell's verbose remarks drew a large laugh from the crowd.)  When he took questions, he did often rephrase them in correct grammar, but he did so diplomatically, under the guise of repeating them into the microphone so the entire room could hear them. And afterwards, he graciously chatted and signed autographs for those of us who simply felt like sticking around. He was actually very accessible, and acted he like had no deadlines that night and all the time in the world for us.
    I should've known he wasn't completely humorless; he did guest host Saturday Night Live a couple of times after his retirement and once delivered a hilarious rant during a walk-on cameo on Newhart. Still, it was only then I realized all the times I heard him and that voice speak so crankily on NBC, he wasn't being cranky, he was being honest. Sure, I've heard that used to justify some wildly rude people like Simon Cowell and that nasty, scary chef on that reality show, but in Newman's case, it fit perfectly. And as we see in the summer 1964 NBC special, A World's Fair Diary, he doesn't hate everything. He just has an honest eye and an eye for the unusual and absurd. And the 1964 World's Fair in Flushing Meadows, New York was a perfect place for that.
    Billed as both a tribute to the idea of worldwide cooperation and a vision of tomorrow, the New York World's Fair may actually be best remembered as tribute to capitalism and corporate excess. It was perhaps a harbinger of our post-millennial global economy where we could travel to remote parts of Asia, including deep in red China, and see Pizza Hut and KFC logos all over the place. It also presaged many of the attractions at theme parks like Six Flags and Kings Mountain and (as I said in my last World's Fair post) Walt Disney World.
    But the 1939-40 World's Fair on that same New York spot was obviously the reference point for many at the fair, including the writers and producers of this NBC News special. That's why it kicks off with a hand putting a coin into a calliope, whose music then serves to unite a montage of quirky images from the fair, including a walking pair of men's feet. After a commercial break, we see the feet belong to veteran NBC News correspondent and great champion of the Queen's English, Edwin Newman.

    All of this unreels to us via a six-part Youtube video, which, in stark contrast to the Walt Disney presentation from last time, has badly faded color from a bad print that obviously wasn't a network master.
    As Newman sits in front of the big fountains near the iconic Unisphere, he begins his opening.

    "A World's Fair is, to use a favorite word of W. C. Fields, a melange," he tells us. "It's a mixture, a conglomeration, a cluster of things. In fact, if this fair had failed, we might've called it 'Cluster's Last Stand.'" (This line makes me laugh out loud as I suspect the writer was thinking of another phrase that included the word "cluster.") "Happily, it is succeeding," Newman continues, to entertain, to divert, to instruct, to inform..."to arouse the desire to travel and to arouse the desire to buy," and also to "give some notion of the future."
    One of most brutally punishing parts of the fair, apparently, was the long line to most everything, so according to Newman, word has gotten out: "Come early." We get a closeup of the man who blows the opening whistle for the gates to open for the day. Newman tells us the fair sees some 185 thousand admissions a day, "somewhat below expectations but hardly a failure." The record day up to that point: a quarter million. Adult admission was $2 a day (that's roughly $15.04 in 2014 dollars), but only $1 on Mondays throughout the months of July and August. All children were admitted for 25¢ (today, that would be $3.75). Saturday was usually the busiest day; Sunday was usually the lightest day, and based on what he just said about the cheaper Monday admission, a Sunday-Monday trip would likely have seen the shortest lines and therefore the most attractions.
    I can't help but notice two things about the crowd shots: many of the men are wearing dress shirts and even neckties--yes, it was that era--and a vast majority of the crowd is white.

    Newman and his videographers (apparently taking separate cars) get a quick overview of the fair via the Swiss Sky Ride, with an admission of 75¢ (ouch, that's $5.04 today). Newman quips that it "probably has its own numbered bank account in Zurich." The sky buckets were common sights at the Six Flags parks, including the one in Atlanta, beginning in 1965, and I'm wondering how much of that was influenced by their use at this World's Fair and the (real) one two years earlier in Seattle.
    Despite the fair's emphasis as a vision of the future, Newman doesn't find it futuristic, or at least not a future city he would find congenial. "The fair is temporary and commercial," he says. "Great art rarely blossoms under those circumstances. What the fair really is, is a giant display of pop art." (Ouch.)
    The fair, as I indicated earlier, got a lot of complaints about long lines, but also about attractions that turned out to be rather expensive. So apparently, one of the goals of this documentary is to point out some attractions that are both entertaining and free. One of those, the Flying Men of Papantla, is an acrobatic show put on at the Mexico pavilion by a group of Mexican Indians. It cost every bit of free and Newman said was very thrilling.

    You would, however, have to pay to see the lumberjack pavilion that was part of the Oregon state exhibit. The admission was $1 for adults, 75¢ for children but Newman says it's worth it. The pavilion features ax throwing, log rolling and the hit of the show, pole climbing.
    With Oregon an apparent exception, "many of the state exhibits, we're unhappy to report, are on the dull and unimaginative side," Newman says  "...afterthoughts and the obvious, the work of governors' relatives." His candor is more than refreshing, it's cathartic.

    The Florida pavilion "makes no pretense of being architecture," and we see that has a beach with actual sand and women who were called in those days "bathing beauties" (but obviously no ocean or gulf).

    It also had an impressive amount of serious art inside, by Halz, Reubens, Cezanne and other classic artists. (Florida is home to a number of major art museums.) The gallery of paintings was free, but a porpoise show charged admission. Overall, Newman says the Florida show was not successful.

    Newman mentions acrobats that appear intended to lure visitors into what was turning out to be the surprisingly unsuccessful amusements area. We get a look around that area via a monorail.
    We get a glimpse of a carousel, and a one ring circus that isn't seeing capacity crowds. Newman tells us (and some research I did vehemently backs it up) that the amusements area was tucked away in a far corner of the park, geographically disconnected with no midway to lead people there. Plus the rides were rather expensive and had to compete with more accessible free attractions in the state and international pavilions.
    Newman says the performers booked for the area were rather uninspired; there was no one of the caliber of the legendary singer/dancer Bill "Bojangles" Robinson who wowed crowds at the '39 Fair. He also mentioned the fair's president vetoing any act that he thought was too sexy.
    We see Newman taking, and in fact enjoying, the log ride, coat, tie and all. It's another World's Fair attraction that would become a staple at 1960s era theme parks. He said it was doing "quite nicely," and while you'd think you'd be soaked at the end, he says it sends you away "slightly moist and hardly needing a pressing." (Funny, I seem to recall the one I remember from Six Flags Over Georgia being a different story.)
    One of Newman's favorite corporate attractions was the IBM computer exhibit at the IBM pavilion, which he says left him "delighted." They found a rather novel way of explaining computer language (specifically, Boolean two-sided logic) to fair goers: an animatronic Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson explain it as they chase clues to a mystery.
    World's Fairs, like the one I missed in Knoxville in 1982, are known to introduce the world to new inventions and ideas. Had I gone to Knoxville, I might've seen the first touch-screen technology of my life and tasted Cherry Coke for the first time. Other World's Fairs debuted the ferris wheel and, arguably, hamburgers. The 1964 World's Fair was no different; also at the IBM pavilion, there's an attraction in which you can write a date on a card, and a computer will give you the New York Times headline for that day. It's perhaps a crude, early form of what we would now call a search engine.
    As Newman starts winding through the corporate exhibits, we stop by the NCR exhibit to see all of their cash registers. A special room for children appears to educate children on business (and hard sell them on capitalism and the free market, perhaps the most obvious, unstated theme of the whole fair).
    In a sequence told mostly in what we call "nat sound," we visit the Clairol pavilion. Now seemingly outdated today, the fact that it's presented without comment seems to imply that the producers thought it seemed rather odd even then. Basically, it pushes the idea of having women imagine themselves with a new hair color.
    As women see themselves while they're seated on a moving device of some sort, singer Johnny Desmond sings a howler of a song about a world with no color, "What could be duller?" "I like to think I can choose my dreams, but from now on I'll refuse my dreams unless they're in color..." There were still a lot of folks with black and white television sets watching that night, I'm sure they weren't thrilled to hear that.
    Then we see...no, it can't be, well I guess it is...a smiling Edwin Newman lying back in one of the ride's seats. "I was the first man ever allowed to ride the Clairol Carousel," he dryly boasts, "a journalistic feat that will likely rank with John Chancellor covering his own arrest at the Republican Convention" (an incident that happened very shortly before this special aired).
    Newman then ranks the top four pavilions. Number one, interestingly enough, is the General Motors Futurama pavilion, an updated version of their futuristic exhibit from 1939. It averaged 90,000 visitors a day.
    The second most popular exhibit was a really big deal. It was the Vatican pavilion, and the big draw was the Michelangelo sculpture, Pietà, depicting the crucified body of Christ in the arms of Mother Mary. It was the only work the great Renaissance artist ever signed, and while it was usually on permanent display at the Vatican, it made an ultra-rare U.S. appearance at the 1964 fair.
    The third most popular exhibit might surprise you, but certainly didn't surprise me. You may remember my geeking out about it in my last World's Fair post, about Disney. It's the colorful, memorable GE Carousel of Progress, the animatronic show that recounted the history of GE's appliances making life easier for America from 1898 or so to present day.
    We only see the tiniest snippet of it here, but we do hear the father telling about Mr. Edison coming up with "snap-on electric lights," and we hear him say hilarious phrase, "It's hard to imagine how life could be any easier," during the part that takes place in 1898.
    He also tells us the animatronic dog is becoming the most beloved animal at the fair.
    Newman tells us the fourth most popular exhibit is the Ford exhibit; look very closely behind the crowd and you can see the Ford Mustang that made its world premiere when the fair opened in April. Newman doesn't mention the Mustang, but he does tell us we would ride a Ford car through several million years of ancient prehistory.
    Newman points out Skyway, like the GE Carousel of Progress, was designed by Disney and is "good fun."

    Newman talks about entertainment for people waiting in line--like a folk trio entertaining the lines at the GM exhibit, and the kids' funhouse and free shoeshines from the Johnson's Wax pavilion. Then we see a very brief shot that speaks volumes upon volumes.
    Newman simply mentions Goofy entertaining children in line at the Pepsi-Cola pavilion, but there's more to it than that. The Pepsi-Cola pavilion, as I indicated last time, is the Disney "It's a Small World" ride. But look at the children. The crowds we see throughout the hour are not very diverse, but here is an entire group of black children having a very good time in 1964 America. Remember, this is the same year the Supreme Court made two anti-discrimination rulings and Congress passed the Civil Rights Act, so the idea of black people being welcomed almost anywhere was still a very new idea. (There were even civil rights related protests at the fair itself when it opened in April.) So, it warms my heart to see these children having a good time and Goofy there to see to it.

    Newman discusses the many ways people keep busy or entertained while waiting in lines. Some of them eat lunch on the run; some use the occasion to take pictures and home movies; some check their maps and some even bring books to read. "One man told me he finished the entire works of Sigmund Freud while waiting in line at the Ford exhibit," Newman bemuses.

    Something remarkable happens to Newman and his crew, which happened to me and my family just about any time we ever went anywhere like Six Flags or Busch Gardens: it suddenly started raining. The remarkable part is everyone just seemed to go with it. "I noticed a remarkable carnival atmosphere, as if the rain were part of the show," he says. No one loses place in line or uses foul language, and everyone remains friendly.

    Newman discusses all the food at the fair, recommending the hot dogs at the Missouri pavilion and the chicken dinner at the Oklahoma pavilion ("...and you can enjoy it on their nice lawn"). One dish that makes my mouth water is from the Maryland pavilion: tasty soft-shell crab burger for 60¢.
    Of special note is the Belgian waffle, seen here with strawberries. The 1964 World's Fair is pretty much where America met the Belgian waffle for the first time; it's now a favorite at theme parks and even TCBY yogurt shops everywhere.

    The most expensive restaurant: the Toledo in Spain, where a meal could cost $15 in 1964 (that's $112.78 today). Newman blamed it on union wages paid to pavilion employees, calling the expensive check "perhaps a rude justice." (Newman doesn't say why none of the other eateries didn't have the same union problem.) He called the "Festival of Gas" restaurant a winner of the "Newman Award for the most bravely named restaurant," but says the food is expensive and highly digestible.

    At a Lowenbrau beer garden, the waitresses serving a rather happy looking Newman are said to be often titled and included baronesses, and often returned tips out of embarrassment. The kids got root beer. Newman also said you could bring your own picnic, but the picnic space was very limited. Newman also said the fair lacked water fountains and there weren't enough maps or directional signs to help people get around.

    Critics trash the fair's architecture and Newman once again takes his own digs. He says many of the pavilions were designed simply to attract visitors and house exhibits, and "they do that well enough." He says many of them seems to be almost humorously designed, "as if the engineers were having a joke at everyone's expense." Of course, the vast majority of them would meet the business end of a wrecking ball after the fair closed in October 1965.

     We're told the New York pavilion will remain standing after the fair "and deserves to," according to Newman, because it's "uninhibited, attractive and modern without being sterile." We see a kid walking around on Texaco's "World's Largest Roadmap." (And the pavilion is still standing, but sadly it sits abandoned, neglected and dilapidated today, the colorful transparent tiles removed for safety reasons and the large road map damaged by the elements.)
    Newman has brief chat with "Tick Tock the Robot," who wanders around the Japanese exhibit, mainly plugging Seiko watches. Newman then does a standup describing how the fair isn't "officially" a world's fair because it wasn't sanctioned by the international board that does so (because Seattle held one in 1962), and many countries including Great Britain chose not to participate for that reason.
    Newman tells us the most successful international pavilions were the Mexican, Japanese, and especially the Spanish. What's interesting is, the art of Pablo Picasso art is displayed, after being brought over by the Spanish government. Newman says this is intriguing because Picasso leaned to the left and was never on good terms with the still-in-power fascist Franco government, yet they wanted his art on full display, suggesting art transcends politics. By the way, Goya's portraits of the Duchess of Alba includes one showing her in the nude, and they show it on the air uncensored to NBC's credit. But there are no busts or portraits of Francisco Franco.

    The finally troubled and incomplete Belgian village is finally open; the Belgian waffle stand was originally supposed to operate here but when the pavilion failed its deadline, the stand moved elsewhere to resounding success.

    In a darkly funny move that seems like it would come out of one of the Chevy Chase "Vacation" movies, people actually run afoul of Pinkerton security guards for just trying to rest. They get run out of fountains for soaking their feet, and run off lawns when they try to lay down, apparently because "If you're lying down, you can't spend money."  Oddly enough, you can actually spend a buck to sleep half an hour in the Simmons Beautyrest pavilion.

    In what's easily the most cringe-worthy moment of the entire documentary, Newman says the fair is a good place for, to use a classically 1960s term, "girl-watching," as we see a montage of pretty women. "There are a lot of pretty girls at the fair...a few minutes of ogling should put you in a better state of mind," Newman says to his discredit, in a rather jaw-dropping piece of dialogue. "Oh come on, Ed!" I actually yelled at my computer.

    The special begins to wind down with a few leftover sights and sounds from the fair. They include crowd-drawing drummers and dancers at African pavilion, one of the most popular such attractions. Other sounds include fountains, a cart horn, a closeup of a crying kid (the second most cringeworthy moment from the special, as that kid probably caught living hell at school a couple of months later), and a very loud noise from Colonel Keds and his flying jet pack.

    Newman's advice to fairgoers: they should also see it at night to get the neon ambiance of New York; consult a map, make an itenenary, and be ready to stand in line. He says the fair is excessively commercial--but he says that's in line with American life. He also says the absence of a rowdy amusement area makes it seem rather sedate.
    His final words: "I think of the fair as a pleasant place, clean and good natured. It has its flops, but in some particulars it is exciting and even brilliant. And that's saying a good deal. Edwin Newman, NBC News, at the New York World's Fair." Then the special ends the same way as the Wonderful World of Color presentation I reviewed last time: with a quick look at the fireworks show that went off every night at 11.

    Had this been done today, there would be a lot of differences in presentation. There would clearly be more graphics, but I love how there's next to no original music, everything is ambient. To its credit, perhaps to show the independence on which network news divisions prided themselves in those days, not once did they show the RCA Pavilion, despite RCA being NBC's parent company. (There's no way that would happen now.) Newman's commentary is cathartic, even refreshing in its honesty.

    Today, there's very little of the 1964 World's Fair visible to visitors. The Unisphere is still at the park in Flushing Meadows, New York, along with the sad remnants of the New York Pavilion. (This past April, that closed, rusting pavilion was named a National Treasure by the National Trust for Historic Preservation.) Many of the attractions have found new homes; I mentioned the Disney attractions finding new life in Disney theme parks, for instance, and Disney's EPCOT center being inspired by the whole idea of world's fairs. And while the future doesn't look exactly like the fair predicted it would (thank goodness, the architecture has a lot more class), our every day life is loaded to the brim with brand names and paeans to corporate life. The big fight scene among all the corporate logos in that "Fantastic Four" movie I saw a few years ago, could very well have taken place at a fair. (Heck, there was a World's Fair/Expo type event in one of the "Iron Man" movies.)

    And we don't see documentaries quite like this anymore, not with a wry sense of humor and such honesty, so unafraid of hurting a corporate sponsor's feelings or presenting the fair in a bad light. "A World's Fair Diary" does present it in a fair light, giving us the good and bad of the fair and even some of the consumer tips that would be so much of network and local news beginning in the 1970s. ("Coming up, things you need to know to make your trip to the fair more enjoyable...") And while NBC News is very much still in business...there's not an Edwin Newman around these days. I can't find anyone even close. At least we still have his books, maybe a few Youtube videos of his work, and my memory of a friendly smile, a warm handshake and a nice chat, for those of us inclined to use this forgotten man as a worthy role model.

    Availability: As of this writing, it's available in multiple parts on Youtube.

    Next time on this channel: Petticoat Junction, part of the Summer of MeTV Classic TV Blogathon.

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  8. When You Wish Upon a Unisphere...

    We take Part One of a two-part trip through time to the 1964 New York World's Fair, this time with Walt Disney as our tour guide.

    Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color, "Disneyland Goes to the World's Fair"
    OB: May 17, 1964, 7:30 p.m. EST, NBC
    I was four months old when this show first aired.

    My regrets in life usually fall into one of two categories: things I wished I'd done, but didn't, and things someone else talked me into or out of, against my better judgment. Yes, I failed on my own plenty of times and had plenty of my own bad ideas, but my regrets for those aren't quite as deep and don't sting quite so much.

    One of those regrets for my life, that actually fits both categories, was that I didn't attend the 1982 World's Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee. (For the sake of perspective, obviously I have some bigger regrets but I'm not going to discuss them here.)

    I have no idea what kept me from doing it. Maybe it's because it debuted in May 1982, the very month I graduated high school, and my mind was preoccupied with making sure I was ready for finals, college admission and the ceremony, and to say goodbye to some good friends who were going our separate ways. Maybe it's because everyone said the crowds were horrible and perhaps I waited (too long) for them to die down. Maybe I listened too closely to people who said nothing but negative things about it (too expensive, too many lines, too far away) despite having not even gone themselves. And I found out later on it was not too far away, Knoxville was even close enough to my hometown of Glencoe, Alabama to make it a weekend trip, perhaps even a day trip if I planned it right. Plus I had enough graduation money that I probably still wouldn't have spent entirely at the fair. I even had the type of friends--Marcus, William and Roger--who would have complained at length and made fun of all the kitsch...and that would've made it even more fun.

    I do have a World's Fair brochure taped into my high school senior scrapbook, and I still remember all those commercials with the "You've Got to Be There" jingle playing on our local TV stations. I've at least driven by the Sunsphere a few times since then. And now I know it was actually one of the most successful world's fairs ever, which wouldn't have happened it if were the damnable hellhole so many of those non-going naysayers tried to convince me it was. Why my friends and I didn't pile into my 1973 Chevrolet Caprice Classic and motor up the interstate to Tennessee for what I know would've been a memorable weekend, is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
    All of this comes to mind as we pass the anniversary of another such event with its own joys, awes, and living nightmares: the 1964-65 New York World's Fair. Granted, it technically wasn't a World's Fair; the London-based Bureau of International Expositions refused to sanction it as such for a number of reasons. (The main one: they only sanctioned one every ten years and the 1962 Seattle Expo was the one that got their blessing.) But it attracted some 51 million people and became an East Coast (and especially northeast U.S.) touchstone of the baby boomer years, a futuristic look at eye-popping technology and peacefully co-existing cultures, that produced smiles, optimism and a lot of tired legs, and not a peep of the actual near future that lie ahead: Vietnam, more assassinations and assassination attempts, Watergate and the 1970s energy crisis.
    If anything, several major oil companies led us to believe the future, and their role in it, was limitless. But they also looked backward as well. A number of them joined the big three U.S. automakers as they sponsored pavilions in the travel section of the fair, with exhibits like the ones Sinclair and Ford devoted to pre-historic times. (If you were in the Ford exhibit, you actually rode through that period in a Ford or Mercury convertible fixed to a conveyor belt.) As a collector of oil company road maps, I try to get as many World's Fair maps as possible (as do many other collectors), and it always cracks me up to see the sponsorship agreements that forced, say, the Shell Oil maps to acknowledge the exhibits sponsored by their petroleum archrivals Sinclair and Texaco.
    Why another World's Fair on the heels of the one in Seattle was deemed necessary, is often debated. Perhaps it was an East Coast jealousy of that '62 Expo. Perhaps it was the idea organizers could outdo Seattle with such a dense, northeast population base. Perhaps it was the nostalgia of so many backers who fondly remembered visiting the 1939-40 World's Fair held on the same spot, in Flushing Meadows, New York, and a desire to trade on that nostalgia to bring tourist money into the area. In fact, it was presented as something of a 25th anniversary follow-up to the earlier one that provided some happy relief at the end of the Depression and one last big party before what would turn out to be the sacrifices of World War II.

    The opening of the World's Fair was enough for several TV shows of the period to address it. The day before the fair opened, The Garry Moore Show opened with a sketch about the construction of the fair pavilions, ending with regulars Dorothy Loudon and Durward Kirby saying the large structure they were supposedly building in the sketch was "just the ticket booth," and the rest wouldn't be ready for months. (When you see the actual, large ticket booth at the subway stop, and the unfinished Belgian exhibit, that Moore sketch appears surprisingly on the mark.)
    But prime time TV When I Was Born took at least two especially close looks at the World's Fair, both with contrasting in-depth looks that together, constitute the unearthing of a video time capsule that brings the fair suddenly back to life. Between the two, you can see and hear a lot of the fair, then close your eyes and almost smell, touch and taste it and even feel bone tired from all the walking around you didn't do, and broke from all the money you didn't spend. And both shows are not only opposites but ironic contrasts in polar opposites. The Disney show is clearly meant to present the fair in a positive light, to promote it, yet does the better job of the two in giving us a behind the scenes glimpse of the fair. But the NBC News special takes a more realistic, critical approach to it, despite showing us almost nothing the general public couldn't see for themselves if they were there. The video quality of each is interesting: the copies I found of the Disney episode were beautifully remastered and sometimes even pristine, while the NBC News special had most of its color badly faded out, coincidentally reflecting Disney's glossy PR efforts and the grittier approach from NBC News. (We'll look at "A World's Fair Diary" in our next post.)
    Known under a number of titles over its very long run on network and cable television, the Disney anthology series was known by simply one name in the Hayes household. "Walt Disney's coming on! Walt Disney's coming on!" one of us would shout, as the NBC peacock gave way to the fireworks show breaking out over the Magic Castle. Tinkerbell would then take us on whatever adventure Walt had lined up for us. Sunday was always a big TV night for us--over the years, Lassie, BonanzaThe F.B.I. and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom would be mainstays in our living room but Disney was always the Sunday night TV anchor at the Hayes house.
    It was known as Disneyland then later Walt Disney Presents during its 1954-61 run on ABC. And even though ABC always showed it in black and white--really, they weren't ready for color yet--nearly all of the shows were filmed in color, and would be rerun that way years later. The show did switch to NBC and full color in 1961, being called Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color during this era (when the Hayes children would first find it), and even having two sponsors split the bill, whose own fortunes were tied to color images: RCA and Kodak.

    The very first NBC show was hosted by the Mouse Factory's first-ever made-for-TV cartoon character, Donald Duck's uncle Ludwig Von Drake, who told us about all color that night. The show became The Wonderful World of Disney in 1969, continuing after the December 1966 death of its namesake studio mogul host and still generating ratings magic in the process.
    Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color was wrapping up its tenth season, its third on NBC, when Walt himself presented "Disneyland Goes to the World's Fair." In fact, it was actually the show's season finale, presented just before school let out for the summer in much of the U.S. and a prime opportunity to sell the fair as a vacation destination. The Disney Studios and the show's two sponsors all had significant commercial interests at the fair, and all would be plugged heavily during the hour.
    As the show opens, Walt introduces us to Huey, Dewey and Louie, three baby brontosauruses that are animatronic (and he'll explain what that means as the show progresses). "Hold your head up there, show 'em what you do...that's a good boy," he says to "Huey," never failing to make his non-living creations seem real. He says they're "tame as a kitten" and "won't bite the hand that feeds them." Disney tells us they're "what scientists call brontosauruses." (Not anymore, the animal is now called Apatosaurus, and is believed to have had the wrong name and even the wrong head all these years.)

    Disney says the dinosaurs are among the hundreds of 3D animated characters that his studios made for the World's Fair, calling it "The greatest show on Earth, next to Disneyland." (Say what you will about the old goat, the man knew how to talk to children and adults and promote himself, all at the same time.)

    Before we get the tour of the big, great Disney factory, Disney introduces a cartoon montage that tells the story of how world's fairs developed since the dawn of man. A cave-child, for instance, is seen laying a just-invented wheel on a rock and spinning it around while riding it, thus inventing the carousel; we're also led to believe exploding cigars dated back to Bliblical times. We're told about fairs in ancient Greece and Rome. As soon as that long, musical history reaches 1851 and the time of the London Exposition (and a suggestion Prince Albert wanted to use it to impress his wife, Queen Victoria), we start getting a realistic story on how world's fairs developed.
    In a nod to that week's sponsor, Kodak, Disney also describes how we're able to see many of those images--with the development of the still camera and the movie camera, and he shows their modern-day Kodak counterparts.
    He also shows us some nice color footage of the iconic, long-gone trilon and perisphere from the  1939 World's Fair. It's a reminder, for those of use who look at black and white as something that pushes us back in time, that 1939 and 1964 weren't that far apart on the timeline, and the 1964 World's Fair was shaped largely by the earlier one. On the other hand, although Walt doesn't mention it, one of the "futuristic" exhibits on display at the 1939 fair was television itself. (Note: many versions of this episode are missing this animated and history segment.)
    Walt then takes us to the Disney "imagineering department," where they dream up new projects for Disneyland and the World's Fair (and likely Disney World as well, which they were already planning but hadn't told the world about yet). It's the imagineering team that invented the first "animatronic" (robotic, but looking like a living being) creature, the giant squid from the movie "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." ("You can't hire an actor like that out of central casting," Walt tells us.) Then we're given a look at how that technology was used on Disneyland rides, since real elephants and crocodiles would have to be fed, can't always perform on cue that often during the day, and real bears might have an unfortunate tendency to eat some of the park visitors waiting in line to ride the Matterhorn.
    Then Walt says something rather haunting: the "imagineering" department will always have a workload, "for Disneyland will never be completed." It seems like Disney knew even then, tastes would change over time and technology would make more things possible in his magic kingdoms, while some attractions may very well become obsolete. I think he may have also known, many of his dreams and ideas would outlive him, even be realized only after his death.
    We then meet the dinosaurs for the Magic Skyway from the Ford Pavilion. I notice Disney never mentions brand names if they're not one of his sponsors, so we never hear the Ford Motor Company mentioned in this segment, or see any of the Ford or Mercury convertibles that took spectators through the ride. But we see plenty of the dinosaurs, as well as how they're assembled.
    Disney describes a new type of artist, "one that works with a slide rule and a blow torch and not a pencil or a brush." (Only Walt Disney could get away with making art and science the same thing.) He says the tyrannosaurus rex is the "heavy" in the "Magic Skyway" attraction and will weigh 20,000 pounds. There's also a triceratops and of course, the larger brontosauruses.

    Early cavemen, who didn't appear until 100 million years until the last of the dinosaurs were gone, are also part of the show, and get special attention from the studio's makeup artists and stylists. The head of the makeup department, Pat McNalley in a rare on-camera moment, appears to be working on one himself. McNalley did makeup for "Mary Poppins," "That Darn Cat" and a number of other Disney classics, before he died in 1966 at the young age of 49.
    Much of the work is carefully planned and intricate. Each of the thousands of nylon hairs in the woolly mammoth, for instance,had to be attached by hand, and Disney workers are seen doing that very thing.
    The groups of dinosaurs are depicted in sketches, and eventually arranged the exact way they will be on the ride. And we get a look at some of the exhibits, like the triceratops hatching her young, a T-rex in a fight with a stegosaurus, and cavemen using ingenuity to attack a woolly mammoth.
    After a commercial break, Disney introduces us to a little friend, an animatronic bird from Disneyland's beloved "Tiki Room" exhibit. This is where he explains the concept of "audio animatronics" (the bird actually says the term) and how the robotic people (and talking animals) actually talk. We also see Disney employees designing birds--all synthetic, even the feathers.
    We also get our first glimpse some of the children from the UNICEF "It's a Small World" show, but we'll hear a lot more about that later.
    We are told, however, that the Disney wardrobe department designed all the costumes (and there are a lot) and that every single moving of the "It's a Small World" dolls are put through a stress test. Disney points out other companies developed many of the technologies and licensed their use to the exhibits.
    Walt Disney was a big admirer of Abraham Lincoln, so it was a big deal to him to get the nod to do a Lincoln exhibit for the state of Illinois Pavilion. (Disney himself was from Illinois, where Lincoln had spent his formative years.) Disney sculptor Blaine Gibson says he was fortunate enough to get a plaster of a life mask made by sculptor Leonard Volk, from Lincoln's actual face in Chicago in 1860...just before he grew his beard.
    That means they have a reasonable likeness of his face as a starting point for the animatronic Lincoln, who will come to life and deliver a lengthy speech composed of some of his shorter ones. This would later become the basis for one of my favorite Disney World attractions, the Hall of Presidents.
    In a scene that for some reason tended to be cut out of Disney Channel reruns, we see almost the entire Lincoln exhibit, as he gives a speech to an audience. The film is intercut between Lincoln and spectators, which include three sailors. The scene is a sight to behold, not just for the awe of Lincoln himself (one of my favorite presidents, by the way) but seeing an audience visibly moved by, basically, a robot.

    Speaking of which...here's my favorite part. Pardon me while I geek out for a bit.
    When I was 13, Mom, stepdad, and we kids took our 1977 Ford LTD Country Squire station wagon to Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida, expecting the thrills of the newly-opened Space Mountain. (We also got to camp out in a Magic Kingdom camping area where we met our first, but by no means our last, live armadillo.) And sure enough, Space Mountain was one of the first rides we visited. But later in the day I'd find my all time favorite attraction, the Carousel of Progress. I went through three times that day, in fact. What I saw, it turns out, was a variation of what visitors saw at the 1964 World's Fair.
    An animatronic family walks us through four different eras of American life: the turn of the 20th century, followed by the 1920s, then the late 1940s, and finally, modern day life. The robots were on a theater in the round; they performed endlessly in one spot as a giant wheel holding the audience, rotated 45 degrees counter-clockwise to the next stage. Each stop, the robots would discuss their world, their then-modern conveniences, and how life was wonderful with such modern marvels as the hand-cranked phonograph and the refrigerator where you only have to empty the water pan every so often. It's quite possibly the most wonderful celebration of appliances, pop culture and kitsch (especially) you'll find anywhere; The Simpsons and Futurama have even made fun of it. It was originally sponsored at the World's Fair by General Electric (just as they continued to sponsor it when I saw it in 1977) to plug their appliances and how they've been a way of life all these years. (GE no longer sponsors the attraction so you'll see names like Samsung if you visit now.)
    The model Disney shows to us features a modern day "last stop" that looks much like Don and Betty Draper's house on Mad Men. (When I saw it, it looked like the 1970s era set of Diff'rent Strokes: if you were to see it now--yes, it's still there--you'd see "Junior" playing a videogame with "Grandma" on a flat screen TV, and Dad burning Thanksgiving dinner because he can't master the voice-activated oven.)

    My fascination with this attraction can never, ever grow dim; sure enough, Disney doesn't disappoint here. We see him asking a room full of workers to stop work for just a bit for a "run-through" of Act 1. He tells us the other "acts" are being assembled in other parts of the Disney studio. (So we're led to believe it's actually being built as this is being filmed.)
    Disney then demonstrates how the technology works: a man with a wiring harness all around him, dictates his movements into a computer, apparently an ancient precursor to the technology of the Nintendo Wii.
    The computer runs the show (or did, in those days; that big room full of equipment Disney shows us probably held even less data than the outdated laptop I'm using to write this). Through the four inch quad tapes that hold all the data, it dictates all the many movements of all the family members, even the beloved family dog that sits at the pipe-smoking father's feet. (It just dawned on me, Disney's playing a similar role to the animatronic family in this scene with the computer console, boasting about the then-modern but now-outdated technology.)

    We're then treated to a quick chorus of one of the greatest Disney songs ever written by the Sherman brothers, "There's a Great, Big, Beautiful Tomorrow," which you can still hear the family sing if you visit the attraction today.
    Disney goes out of his way to remind us how to find the "It's a Small World" pavilion. First, he shows us a model of the Kodak pavilion, again a nod to that week's sponsor. Then he shows us a model, and some footage, of the Tower of the Four Winds.
    Disney tells us it's 12 stories high and weighs 200,000 pounds, and that you should be able to see it from anywhere on the fairgrounds. He calls it a tribute to "the boundless energy of youth," and hoped people would use it as a meeting place or a landmark to give directions.
    To the strains of "Hi Ho, Hi Ho," we follow costumed "Disney ambassadors"--Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Pinnochio, the Three Little Pigs, Alice and some of the residents of Wonderland, Snow White and several of the Dwarfs and a hippo from "Fantasia" are among the ones we see--as they skip and walk past the Unisphere through the grounds of the World's Fair in Flushing Meadows. They immediately pay tribute to the other sponsor of Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color by skipping up to the RCA Pavilion.
    Disney points out an innovative feature of that pavilion: a service for lost children. They appear on camera and their images are broadcast on screens throughout the fairgrounds, so parents can pick them up at the RCA Pavilion. At one point, Dopey the Dwarf appears to get lost on purpose to appear on TV--something real life children likely did at the fair, presaging our reality TV era where so many people seem to want to get on TV.
    Like the Ford pavilion, Disney never does mention that General Electric sponsors the Carousel of Progress or that "It's a Small World" takes place inside the Pepsi-Cola pavilion. However, we do get a glimpse of the Pepsi name during a balloon release.
    And after we're reminded that you can get your picture made at the Kodak pavilion--apparently with Disney characters, if you like--we're taken to the last stop on the tour: the "It's a Small World" ride, in its entirety.
    We even see where the boat takes off at the turnstiles.
    The ride is meant to promote UNICEF, "working for a better tomorrow by helping the children of today" according to Walt. He tells us we see animatronic children from more than 100 nations, all singing "It's a Small World" in their native tongues.
    This early celebration of diversity (at a time the word "diversity" wasn't quite thrown around as much, with that meaning) does have a few quirky notes: the part set in Africa, for instance, appears to use American jazz as its music, as opposed to anything sounding like, say, Ladysmith Black Mambazo. (I know, much different era, but still...) And someone on Youtube pointed out the South Seas island nations and territories got left out...a mistake not corrected until the late 1970s, after the show had been moved to Disneyland and Disney World.
    Some interesting things Disney doesn't tell us here: the Disney composer brothers, Robert and Richard Sherman, composed "It's a Small World" in the wake of the October 1962 Cuban missile crisis. They originally presented it to Disney as a slow ballad; Disney wanted it to sound "cheerful," so the tempo was stepped up. (What's interesting is, when our class once sang the song as part of an elementary school P.T.A. program, we actually sang it as a slow, even somewhat solemn, ballad.) Disney deliberately never copyrighted the song, as "a gift to the children of the world" (and probably why we were able to sing it in our PTA program). The tickets cost 95¢ for adults, 60¢ for children, with all proceeds going toward UNICEF.

    The exhibit itself was hastily put together at the last minute after Disney's friend, Joan Crawford, at the time the chairman of the board for Pepsi-Cola, requested something for their pavilion to promote UNICEF. Despite his studios already being up to their eyeballs with Lincoln, the Magic Skyway and the Carousel of Progress, Disney jumped in and got it done. (A Disney-produced movie attraction at the Kodak pavilion, however, missed its deadline.)
    Walt Disney, historically, had a reputation for not being the most diversity-friendly studio head in the world, with allegations of behind-the-scenes antisemitism and of being an FBI collaborator in the 1950s to rat out suspected communists. Indeed, some of his films--"Dumbo," "Peter Pan" and most especially, "Song of the South"--harbor some cringeworthy ethnic stereotypes. I suspect Disney was conscious of this, at a time in the 1960s when it would matter, and saw this as an opportunity to strengthen his image in that evolving decade. I'm not saying that's the only reason he agreed to it, but perhaps a factor. But that's just me.
    The end of the original "It's a Small World" ride had all the children back one more time, now singing the song in English and all side-by-side with one another. The U.S., for instance, is represented by a child cowboy with a child Indian right next to him. The ride ends with a giant sign appealing to both park visitors and perhaps mankind in general: "Come again."

    The show ends the same way a day at the World's Fair would end: with the big fireworks show over the fountains.
    Obviously this is only a small slice of life at the World's Fair, and of the innovative genius that was Walt Disney. I remember thinking when we saw the man in the wiring harness suit programming the Carousel of Progress, for instance, how much time Disney spent shooting behind-the-scenes footage of his various productions that often found its way into his TV show. Disney was ever the businessman and a genius at self-promotion, but when he did this he pioneered three things. He innovated the type of infotainment programming that today fills up Entertainment Tonight and an average day of the E! Entertainment network. And Disney, who most likely died with no conception of DVD or Blu-Ray technology or even of the VHS era (but probably did foresee some type of programming-on-demand), pretty much invented the DVD/Blu-Ray special feature.

    And as we see here, Disney brought the world the idea of multi-platform promotion. By 1964 he already ran theme parks, a major movie studio and a TV production house that had given the world three series, and he knew how to tie them all together and cross-promote them. And his particular attractions would turn out to be among the top, most-attended highlights of the fair. Not only would they all find homes in his theme parks, they would influence other attractions as well. For instance, the boat ride aspect of "It's a Small World" had the unintended but happy effect of keeping lines short (long lines were a very frequent complaint about the World's Fair); the still-under-construction "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride at Disneyland was quickly re-designed to reflect this. As late as 1982, the Magic Kingdom's EPCOT Center in Florida was specifically meant to resemble an eternal World's Fair. And it wasn't limited to Disney, either; my childhood memories of Atlanta's Six Flags Over Georgia included quite a few attractions (both rides and entertainment) that, in retrospect, seem World's Fair-influenced.

    One of the themes of the 1964 World's Fair was life in the future. The pavilions all had goofy-looking architecture to reflect this, in fact. (Thank God we don't really design every building that way in the actual 21st Century.) As we'll see even more obviously in Part 2, and as Disney unintentionally made clear here, one of the overall effects of the fair would be to correctly predict that branding, product placement and corporate life would be part of our every day world.

    Availability: There are several copies on Youtube, each with one part or another missing; I had to watch several versions to actually see the whole show. Even the series opening was separate. If you want it on DVD, it was released as part of a set of "Walt Disney Treasures" called "Disneyland: Secrets, Stories and Magic" that's now very hard to find and expensive.

    Next time on this channel: "A World's Fair Diary," as presented by Edwin Newman and NBC News.


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  9. Good Evening! Much Love to You All...

    Most variety shows were hosted by either singers or comedians ...and then there was Garry Moore.

    The Garry Moore Show, "Guests: Florence Henderson and Bill Cosby"
    OB: January 14, 1964, 10 p.m. EST, CBS
    I was born the day this program originally aired.

    I've mentioned before how much I miss old-school variety shows. With a healthy dose of "Be careful what you wish for" (I've said before there's a fine line between warm/entertaining and cheesy/cringeworthy) I'm kind of sad--but understandably, take my own share of responsibility--about why we just don't have them anymore. We live in a more ironic society that is no longer able to appreciate, say, big production numbers--especially those that opened or closed the show; nice, quick "happy talk" between the star and guest that's heavily scripted and very likely rehearsed, yet sounds sincere; and that "goodbye song" at the end.

    Like the variety show that contained it, the "goodbye song" is pretty much a lost art. It began in the days of old time radio, when Eddie Cantor, for instance, would end his show with "I love to spend each hour with you..." and it was necessary to signal the end of a program in a non-visual medium. On television, the Lawrence Welk singers would sing to us, "Good night, sleep tight, and pleasant dreams, to you..." (using "Good Night Ladies" in its earlier years), while the Hee Haw gang wished that "our pleasures be many, our troubles be few." Even Donny and Marie had "May tomorrow be a perfect day..." at the end of their show. And of course, there was Carol Burnett, singing to us about how glad she was that we had this time together. But even that one wasn't as iconic as Bob Hope singing "Thanks for the Memories," beginning with his radio show in the 1930s through his TV specials as late as the 1980s.

    I'm thinking of all of this as I find out Saturday Night Live and Up All Night alumnus Maya Rudolph will appear in what's being hailed as a "variety special" on NBC in a little more than a week. Produced by SNL's Lorne Michaels, her guests will be Kristen Bell, Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen, Craig Robinson, Sean Hayes, Chris Parnell and musician Janelle Monáe, with Raphael Saaddiq leading the band. The more I think about it, the more likely it'll be a sketch show--a slimmed-down SNL perhaps or a beefed-up Mr. Show. It's probably laughable to think there'll be production numbers--let alone, one that opens the show--and even more ridiculous to think Maya, Kristen, Craig, et. al will be swaying back and forth to a "good night until next time" type song at the end of the show. Then again, it might not be out of the question to expect a format like the ones used by the Smothers Brothers or Flip Wilson, themselves having redefined the genre and making it new again in their own time.

    We do know one thing: Maya Rudolph is from one of the two specialties who usually gave us variety show hosts in the golden days of TV. Those were usually either singers (Perry Como, Andy Williams, Dean Martin), or like Rudolph, comedians (Red Skelton, Danny Kaye, Carol Burnett).

    And then there's the rather strange, interesting case of Garry Moore.

    I first knew of Garry Moore the way he's most likely remembered now: as a game show host. When I was five he began hosting a syndicated revival of To Tell the Truth. Moore's Truth and his earlier I've Got a Secret shows also found themselves rerun a lot on GSN in the 1990s and 2000s, which re-introduced his hosting abilities to a new generation of game show fans. I had no idea for the longest time he ever hosted a variety show. He had fairly short hair, but I had no idea he ever had a crew cut, or that he was actually known for it, even being called "the Haircut."

    On the other hand, his variety show has almost never been rerun over the years, and a DVD version was something of a disaster. Moore's 1959, '60 and '61 Christmas shows were placed on a DVD marketed as "The Garry Moore Show Presents a Carol Burnett Christmas," with those last four words being in bigger letters and a big picture of Carol wearing a Santa hat on the cover. Alas, Carol was just a supporting regular on Garry's show, not vice versa, so we didn't see nearly as much of her as the cover art would imply. Plus the shows actually included the original commercials (which were integrated into the show and actually done by Moore and his sidekick, Durward Kirby), but inexplicably on the DVD, the products were electronically blurred and their spoken names were bleeped. So as a result, Amazon.com is full of woefully negative reviews of the release, which was eventually withdrawn from the market for its misleading advertising. Thus, The Garry Moore Show gets introduced to 21st Century America in a somewhat rude and disastrous way.

    Moore's prime time variety show is rather interesting to watch now, not exactly the beloved classic of heartwarming memories as, say, those of Dinah Shore, Andy Williams or Carol Burnett. Perhaps that's because Garry doesn't fit so easily into a box. He definitely wasn't a singer; he had roots in comedy, but clearly didn't have the elastic face of Sid Caesar or the pantomime skills of Red Skelton. He was a man who told jokes and occasionally dressed up and did something funny, but he was no comedian. How Garry Moore and his show evolved into what they would become in prime time goes back to the start of his career.

    Garry's radio career gets short shrift, to the point his Wikipedia entry barely touches on it. The article even lists his "years active" as 1950-77, as if only his TV work counts for anything. Moore began as an announcer, writer, even actor and comedian, on WBAL in Baltimore in 1937. But in network radio, where Thomas Garrison Morfit III simply called himself "Garry Morfit," he led a career that surprisingly mirrors the one he had on TV: a dual life as a game show host, and variety show host first in daytime, then in prime time.
    He was an announcer on the summer radio series The Fitch Bandwagon with "Morfit" as a last name; he also announced on Club Matinee on NBC, which is where host Ransom Sherman held a listener contest that gave him the name Garry Moore. It also united him with his longtime partner Durward Kirby for the first time.

    During that time, Moore also hosted a game show, Beat the Band, which may be where TV"s Tonight Show later got the idea for its "Stump the Band" segment. Its original sponsor was Kix cereal, then Camel cigarettes took over. Camel would later team Moore up with legendary comedian Jimmy Durante. Moore was perhaps among the first generation of comedians--like Steve Allen or Henry Morgan, or the comedy team of Bob & Ray, to not come from the vaudeville circuit, but rather worked through the ranks of broadcasting itself. And Moore was a one of a kind entertainer, a broadcaster whose comic skills was just one for a jack of all trades like Moore, and here he was learning comedy at the knee of a classic vaudevillian, Durante.

    The two worked together on NBC in what was originally called The Camel Comedy Caravan until Rexall Drugs took over as a sponsor, then it became The Jimmy Durante-Garry Moore Show. The jokes were often corny to the point of vaudevillian (but sometimes also very funny), but the two had a lot of chemistry together as "the Schnozz and the Haircut," and Moore functioned as something of a "funny straight man." Moore even opened the show often with the monologue, before Durante came out and started singing in his trademark, raspy style immortalized 40 years later on the soundtracks of "City Slickers" and "When Harry Met Sally," and in his narration of the "Frosty the Snowman" Christmas special.

    And they developed Moore's penchant for sneaking things past the censors. Here's how one of their routines was reportedly scripted:

    Durante: Junior, last night I had a date with Jane Russell!
    Band: (timpani)
    Moore: The Jane Russell?
    Band: (timpani)
    Durante: Yes, Junior, the Jane Russell!
    Band: (timpani)

    A censor who didn't know his musical terms approved the script, which apparently made it to dress rehearsal (and supposedly, to the air) in this fashion:

    Durante: Junior, last night I had a date with Jane Russell!
    Drummer: BOOM! BOOM!
    Moore: The Jane Russell?
    Drummer: BOOM! BOOM!
    Durante: Yes, Junior, the Jane Russell!
    Drummer: BOOM! BOOM!

    Rather tame to the point of silly now, but in the golden days of radio, that rather heavy-handed reference to Russell's famous physique bordered on scandalous with bawlings-out all around.

    And during this time, Moore once again found himself hosting a game show: Take It or Leave It, the game show that gave us the famous catch phrase, "That's the $64 question." The $64,000 Question and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire would reference back to that. And in one of the earliest examples of a sitcom borrowing a game show for a plot, Moore appeared as himself, as Archie the manager played the game on radio's Duffy's Tavern.

    Moore got his own show on CBS, reportedly because the network liked how he related to the audience. So the hour-long Garry Moore Show brought Moore back to daytime radio in 1949. CBS brought it to early evenings in 1950, even to prime time at one point, as a summer replacement for Arthur Godfrey, then later on its own. But by late 1951 Moore's show was strictly an informal, five day a week daytime affair. Daytime variety shows were fairly common throughout the 1950s and as late as the mid-1960s; one of Betty White's earliest series was just such a show on NBC. Although still scripted, Moore's daytime show was rather informal, and perhaps a lot funnier than his nighttime shows would be. For one thing, the format was elastic and could be made to fit almost any guest, any idea. It wasn't unusual for Moore, his announcer Durward Kirby and a few others to chat up current affairs, for instance. Each show began with a still graphic of Moore's name between a drawn crewcut and a drawn bowtie--two of his trademarks--as Kirby said, "Hello, network! It's time for the Garry Moore Show!"

    It's also where some of Moore's longest running TV gags were born, like the one where he and Kirby dress up as hard-drinking, gossipy old ladies chatting in rocking chairs. They were known as Martha and Jenny.

    "So where did he pinch you?"
    "Right between the cracker barrel and the rutabagas!"

    ...then they take a sip of something one of them has in her purse. Lots of drinking humor in those days, and these two old ladies were apparently no exception.

    On an early show, we see Garry read off some jokes sent in by viewers--one way to save money on writers, apparently. (It's also an idea Moore was doing as far back as Beat the Band on radio.) Garry also read funny newspaper stories and anecdotes from around the country. One story is about a restaurant owner who posts a note at the entrance, demanding male customers stop asking one of the waitresses her measurements, and posting them in the note instead (42-23-32 or something like that). Moore then joked about the time he dated a woman with measurements around 18-23-32. (Do we still talk about women's measurements like that? We don't? Good.)

    There was so much material, and Moore's daytime show was such an unusual show, that an entire book was written about it. "Ladies and Gentlemen--the Garry Moore Show" focused entirely on the 1950-58 run of the show and actually ends when the daytime show does in 1958. There are likely a number of reasons for this: the show was five days a week and live, not once a week and taped like the prime time variety show. So that means a lot more material, a lot more stories about working with live TV. Moore, in particular, always felt he had a special rapport with housewives who were looking for something fun to watch on daytime TV.

    While Moore was working five days a week on his daytime variety show, he also hosted yet another game show. Goodson and Todman's I've Got a Secret panel show premiered in 1953, with panelists that included perhaps the greatest game show host of all time (and definitely the most prolific), Bill Cullen, and a fellow radio comedian, Henry Morgan. Unlike Moore, Morgan had an acerbic wit and had regularly ridiculed his radio sponsors at great length.

    As Moore continued to host Secret, he made changes in 1958 to cut back a heavy workload that was a good recipe for burnout. So he stopped his daytime show in the summer of 1958, and that fall returned, with his longtime sidekick Durward Kirby, to prime time for an hour a week. This time, although Kirby still did commercials, he was not the show's announcer. He was basically Moore's comic sidekick, a sidekick to a man who himself had been a sidekick to Jimmy Durante only a decade and a half or so earlier.

    Considering it had a host (and sidekick) who weren't known for their singing (not that it slowed them down any), The Garry Moore Show was chock brimming full of production numbers and very short comedy sketches. (Perhaps this was also meant to lighten the load of the three-person writing staff, which included Buck Henry of Get Smart and Saturday Night Live fame.) Moore didn't do much in the way of monologues but did talk to the audience on a regular basis. And he knew how to make stars. Don Knotts and Jonathan Winters were on their way up when they guest-starred on his daytime show; in season two, his nighttime show managed to snag up-and-coming character actress Carol Burnett as a series regular, just in time for her to become a major star on Broadway.

    Burnett's appearances on the Moore show are funny to watch even now; in one, an obviously horny Burnett interrupts Moore to demand, somewhat monosyllabically, to meet that week's guest star, Robert Goulet. She acts like her desires have rendered her barely able to communicate, much like a man would normally be thought to do in that situation ("Me Jane! Him Tarzan! You Cheetah! You introduce me to Mr. Gou-LAY!"), and the results are hysterical.

    But Burnett, her star flying much higher three years later,  left the show in 1962, at a time when she was starring in Broadway's "Once Upon a Mattress." She continued to make guest appearances on Moore's show, and her replacement, Dorothy Louden, appeared to take up the mantle as the funny woman definitely in touch with her libido.

    But by 1964, the tightly wrapped format was starting to wear a bit thin. TV Guide critic Cleveland Amory, in particular, let the show have it. He said the skits "wouldn't pass muster in a high school freshman amateur hour," that the show appears to be obsessed in getting guests that have been overexposed elsewhere (and says that week's guest comedian was "apparently forbidden to use new material"), and that musical guests are often picked so as not to provide too much competition for the tuneless Moore and Kirby. Of Kirby, Amory said one recent show had opened with a cardboard cutout of him with "from a dramatic standpoint, no noticeable change." And of Moore, Amory really sharpened the knives: "Average he is and average he will remain. But he is a law unto himself, and if you're looking for something better, good luck."

    So, with all of that in mind, I may be looking at the one from the day I was born, out of context. I don't have all of that week's guests' other recent appearances, or a week's worth of variety shows from other entertainers, to compare with it. So what may have looked worn and repetitive in 1964 might look a little fresher in 2014 due to it being taken out of that context. I do know what seemed silly and what didn't, what holds up and what doesn't.

    The show begins with a brief blackout of a ladder in a city street. Moore, carrying a large package marked "Fragile" (and wearing his hat that reminded him of one of his heroes, Buster Keaton), watches as a number of people nonchalantly walk under it...without any of the supposed bad luck superstition would otherwise suggest. Instead he walks around it...then trips and falls on the package. Then he props himself up and says, "Gee, I hope it isn't going to be one of those nights"
    Here's where we see the show's fully animated open credits. The still graphic from the daytime version appears to come to life, right down to a little man who uses a lawn mower to give the figure its haircut.

    ...because it's a prime time variety show and it's a bigger deal. And then there's a  big production number.
    Every show began with one, and they were well done, to (as I once said about Sing Along With Mitch) almost military perfection. Cleveland Amory said it was one of the few good things about the show. The one that opened the March 1964 broadcast on which Boris Karloff would guest star, was especially well done.

    This is where Kirby, Louden and the week's guest stars are introduced. One of them, a five-years pre-Brady Florence Henderson, seems to be really into it, while another one, still-new but already famous standup comic Bill Cosby, appears to be a bit stunned. The whole bunch of them jumping on a merry-go-round borders on cheesy.

    The dancers do their thing in front of the merry go round as they all sing "Hey, Look Me Over."

    After the number, there's a reprise of the ladder gag, this time with no one walking under it except Moore...then something (I'm guessing a sand bag from the studio rafters) falls on his head.

    In what we in today's media would call "multi-platform synergy," Moore references a recent guest on I've Got a Secret. The guest's secret was that he once got a spanking in school from his teacher...and that teacher, Lyndon Johnson, was now President of the United States. Moore uses this opportunity to announce that President Johnson happened to be watching that night, and called his former pupil at the studio to personally invite him to the White House. Moore then announces his own former teacher happens to be in the studio this particular night...at which point Durward Kirby, dressed as Abraham Lincoln, gives Moore a brief spanking.

    I can't unsee that.

    The first sketch, which Moore sets up himself (apparently since the gag might not be able to stand on its own without an introduction), finds Louden and character actor Bernie West (a series semi-regular, apparently) as two bookstore customers who are dropped off by their spouses. She is looking for cookbooks, he's looking for Greek history, and both run into each other as they voice the tawdry book-jacket descriptions of a stack of cheap, pulp romance novels set up in the middle of the store. ("She brought out the worst in men..." "...a lifetime of thrills in one afternoon..." "...what he saw, he wanted and what he wanted, he took..." "...inside, she was cheap, cheap, cheap...") Their spouses arrive just when the two are about to share an extramarital kiss. It's the acting that makes this particular sketch stand out.

    Moore introduces his next guest, saying Bill Cosby was a fast rising comedian who just one year earlier was fullback for Temple University. At this point, Moore says, he's already in nightclubs, TV and records. This is probably what Amory meant when he complained the show sought out guests who were overexposed elsewhere, probably Amory's silliest argument in his whole review.
    I don't have Cosby's other appearances in front of me, so I don't know if he's doing material he did elsewhere, but what he's doing is hilarious. In this instance, Cosby talks about athletes who do TV commercials even though they don't speak or read well. He imitates a football player who meets a kid with hair problems, who says "I have bad hair and can't get any girls!" "Yeah and you're ugly too!" the player says back in Cosby's bit. There's a part where Cosby makes fun of razor blade commercials, with a hilarious impression of a lively sportscaster and doofus ball player. "And I seen little tiny hairs growin' on my face, and I said 'uh!'" says Cosby as the athlete. He ends the bit with hilarious impression of a man putting after shave on a razor-burned face.
    Cosby, we're reminded, was plugging his new (and as we now know, innovative) comedy album at the time, "Bill Cosby is a Very Funny Fellow...Right!" This is the one my elementary school librarian, Miss Mordecai, used to play for us sometimes, with the hilarious Noah's Ark routines. It's easy to see why Cosby was such a hit, but incredible that it happened at a time when black people were having to fight three times harder for even one of these appearances, or a chance to make a comedy album. I remember seeing a clip of Cosby's appearance on The Jack Paar Show once in which he played a panicked Revolutionary War soldier hurriedly reloading a front-loading musket during the heat of battle.

    The next sketch is quite a one-joke letdown after the charisma of Cosby's standup bit.

    Durward Kirby is a passionate leading man (is there anything they thought he couldn't do?) who's managed to get Florence Henderson back to his luxury apartment. The sketch is set up as "an agonizing moment of decision" in a bachelor's luxury, high-rise apartment. Kirby's character, Clifford, offers his date a drink, to which she melodramatically says no because "I don't need false courage."
    Kirby's character "My dear, are you sure you want to go through with this?" Henderson says "Oh yes, Clifford! Clifford, I'm quite sure!" She makes it clear she doesn't want shades drawn because she doesn't care what people think. He reminds her what they're about to do could be beneath them, since he's the head of a large corporation and she's the editor of "Smart Woman's Magazine." "I'm tired of being so respectable, I want to live a little!" she melodramatically declares. So after all the drama and suggestiveness, then they do the ugly deed: turn on a TV set on which the announcer says, "CBS presents the Beverly Hillbillies!"

    Moore comes back out to remind us Henderson is appearing "right around the corner" from his CBS New York studio, in a Broadway musical called "The Girl Who Came to Dinner." She then sings a song from that musical, "The Me Nobody Knows," on the "apartment" set of the previous sketch.
    Then Florence, Garry and Dorothy discuss the next number and Garry pretends to be a little hurt that he's not included. Dorothy and Florence sing "The Power of Love" as a comical duet.

    And now we're up to the first straight comedy sketch--actually, the only one--of this particular show in which Moore has a starring role. He's seeking a $900 loan for a playroom since his wife is about to have a second child. Kirby plays the monocled loan officer of a bank, and he's just gotten pulled away from a wild party for a stenographer who's about to get married.

    The loan officer doesn't want to give the money. "This bank only gives money to rich people," he snaps. "What it is with you little people, breeding like mosquitoes? That is precisely what is wrong with our country's economy now!" Again, Kirby, who originally set out to be an announcer and commercial spokesman, is now a jack of all trades, called upon here to be a villain.

    Moore hands him a glass to drink (apparently left over from the party), and the loan officer suddenly gets drunk, tries to sing "Show Me the Way to Go Home," and suddenly becomes "your friendly banker." He gets on intercom, tells his receptionist to "bring me some money" and says no papers are necessary, just a friendly handshake. The receptionist comes in with the money and a cup of strong black coffee, but he creepily wolf whistles her and she runs out. He hands Moore $1,000, and cries when Moore says they'll name the baby after him. Moore gives him the coffee which suddenly sobers him up, and he takes the money back. But Garry won't go home empty-handed, as the loan officer gives him a free calendar.
    And now we're up to...the rest of the show, the long, show-closing segment called "That Wonderful Year." Each of these would take a specific year--anywhere from 1905 to a more recent year--and recreate it via song and production number. It was critic Cleveland Amory's least favorite part of this show he hated so much. "As this show has gone on for five years, this means that the lucky number has come up at least three times." And this perhaps gets to the heart of the show's problems: they're all tied to a tight, rigid format that even by 1964, was getting kind of stale.

    A forgotten part of an almost-forgotten show, "That Wonderful Year" was so well known in those days, that same year, Gordon and Sheila MacRae can even be seen doing a parody of it on an Ed Sullivan Show that was headlined by the Beatles. And Gordon does a dead-on impression of Garry Moore.
    This "That Wonderful Year" segment takes up about a third of the show (some of them were even known to take up half the show, even being interrupted for a commercial), and salutes the year 1956. With the help of a film montage, Moore mentions boxer Floyd Patterson, the film "Marty," the TV shows Playhouse 90 and The $64,000 Challenge, the weddings of Grace Kelly and Margaret Truman, Don Larson's perfect game in the World Series, and of course, Elvis.
    The show's choreographer, Kevin Carlisle and his dancers open with a well-done production set to an instrumental version of "Mack the Knife," a hit single in 1956. This was Carlisle's only season as a choreographer, and a lot of his work transcended the TV variety show genre. He was nominated for a Tony for Broadway's "Hallelujah, Baby!" but is best remembered for his TV work...here, on The Dean Martin Show and most especially by my generation as the man who gave us the Solid Gold dancers in the 1980s. He also choreographed Sha Na Na (the series).
    Then the cast members (minus Garry) appear one at a time in a hole through some sheet music. First a chorus sings "Around the World," then Durward Kirby sings a snappy "Just in Time." Yes that's right...Durward Kirby sings, in addition to all of his other roles.
    Then Bill Cosby shows up just long enough to sing a very quick few notes of "Standing on the Corner." He's followed by Florence Henderson singing "I've Grown Accustomed to Your Face," then Dorothy Louden singing "Be Wise, Be Smart."

    Moore then tells us it wasn't just a year for songs of youth, but for songs for older people too. And he mentions Martha and Jenny. Yes, the old ladies Moore and Kirby played on the daytime Garry Moore Show are back, and Moore explains it was quite a year for Martha as she was getting married again and Jenny has invited everyone over for a bridal shower.
    Sure enough we see an all-female number, where everyone's singing a song along the lines of "Martha's Getting Married to a Millionaire." It's quite a number but I can't seem to find any records of it anywhere so it may either be an obscure show tune or an original number. We see women dancing around with cloth as Jenny (Durward Kirby) proudly poses next to the bridal gown "she" is making for Martha. So, in an hour, we've seen the man originally hired in the daytime as an announcer and commercial pitchman, sing, dance, act the romantic lead, appear as a villain in a comedy sketch, and work in drag. (Yes, I guess he could really do all these things, and still have time to co-host Candid Camera with Allen Funt and call his lawyer about that pesky Bullwinkle fellow.)
    Then "Martha" comes out, and sure enough it's Garry Moore in elderly lady drag. So the next time Cracked.com or the A.V. Club makes a list involving people performing in drag, they really need to include Garry Moore and Durward Kirby as Martha and Jenny. Apparently they did this act a lot and Moore was especially proud of it.

    Jenny: Martha, what you got there in the basket?
    Martha (pulling out a bottle): I got myself a little anti-freeze from a radiator!

    ...and here come the drinking jokes.
    As Jenny pours it all into the punch bowl, Martha starts calling out, "Apple brandy? Plum brandy? Peach brandy? And a little elderberry wine. I tell you, it's the only way to eat fruit!" Then, Moore breaks into song and dance, singing "Get Me to the Church on Time" from the 1956 musical "My Fair Lady."
    As the singing and dancing continues, Jenny hands Martha another glass and says, "One more for the road!" Martha says "Let's make it Route 66, that goes clear across the country!" and then the number finishes. So does the end-of-segment "That Wonderful Year" stinger.
    The show ends with Garry bringing Kevin Carlisle on camera to congratulate him for his fine work. Then the regular and guest cast, and all the singers and dancers, get together for the "goodbye" song. This copy of the show is, unfortunately, awkwardly edited, as we're missing the part where Garry says goodbye to the audience. I suspect this is an Armed Forces Television copy and a sponsor reference was deleted ("Good night from the fine folks at Johnson's Wax..."). Normally it would be something like "Be kind to one another and goodbye out there."

    At the end of the 1963-64 season, he said those words and meant them. Moore decided to step down from I've Got a Secret and end his variety show. (I've always heard ratings had nothing to do with it, but the show had dropped out of the top 30 and was getting clobbered by the first season of The Fugitive.) Moore took a sabbatical in which he and his wife made a round-the-world trip. In 1966 CBS talked him into making a variety show comeback, with more acts aimed at a younger audience (but with Durward Kirby still at his side). But this new reboot of The Garry Moore Show bombed, opposite Bonanza, and was cancelled in mid-season. The show that replaced Garry's, however, did catch fire and did make a dent in Bonanza's ratings. That show was The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour.

    Some thoughts:

    This isn't as well remembered or beloved as other shows of the era. In this case, I thought it was pretty funny during its earlier years...then lost something when Carol Burnett left. It stuck rigidly to a formula that grew old rather quickly. And it was a format that seemed to be built around anyone, not Garry specifically. Garry was at his best when he had time on his hands, time to breathe and perhaps even be a little spontaneous, like on his daytime show and on I've Got a Secret, during the stunt segments. The prime time show's tight format seemed to prevent that.

    Garry, however, is more talented than he gets credit for. As I said, he learned in local radio in the 1930s to be a jack of all trades and know how to do everything. That's how a man who's best known as a game show host ends up hosting a variety show (and how the man brought in to announce and read commercials ends up as his comic sidekick...perhaps paving the way for more deadpan actors-turned-comedians like Leslie Nielsen).. Garry Moore was part of the first generation of people who came up through radio itself instead of vaudeville, cutting his teeth alongside Steve Allen and his I've Got a Secret buddy, Henry Morgan, and paving the way for people like Johnny Carson and David Letterman.

    Finally, one thing I did like about this show: it had a really nice "goodbye" song.

    "We just said hello, and right away,
    We have to say so long for awhile,
    Before we go, we'd like to say,
    We hope you had a laugh or a smile,
    We hope to see you soon, so thanks for dropping by,
    But for now we're going to say...good-bye!"


    Availability: Aside from "The Garry Moore Show Presents a Carol Burnett Christmas," a number of his shows can be found on Youtube. That includes two or three of his daytime shows, and a number of the prime time variety shows from the Burnett years.

    Next time on this channel: TV When I was Born visits the 1964 New York World's Fair.

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  10. The Moose Who Came in From the Cold

    Now it can be told: the true story, of the conspiracy to kill moose and squirrel. 

    The Bullwinkle Show, "Moosylvania Parts 3 & 4"
    OB: January 18, 1964, 12:30 p.m. EST, NBC
    I was four days old when this episode first aired.

    When I was sitting in my local multiplex, the Premiere 16 in Gadsden, Alabama, waiting for "Mr. Peabody and Sherman" to start, I watched a number of previews to upcoming movies (all computer animated just like this one). Aside from the fact that they were nearly all either sequels or (again, just like this one) a remake of an earlier idea, one other thing jumped right out at me: why can only celebrities supply animated voices anymore? "Mr. Peabody and Sherman" included voices like Ty Burrell and Stephen Colbert--don't get me wrong, men whose live-action work I enjoy a lot. But do they all have to be, say, Tom Hanks and Tim Allen? What about the Paul Frees', the Daws Butlers and the Don Messicks?  The June Forays and the Bea Benederets? the Mel Blancs? What about the character actors like the Hans Conreids, the Alan Reeds or the Allan Melvins and Howard Morrises? Are John Ratzenberger and the cast of The Simpsons as close as we'll ever get anymore?

    I always brace myself whenever a beloved childhood favorite of mine is remade for the big screen. I know they can't all be as good as "The Fugitive," and on the other hand, surely won't be the name-only ripoff that the "Mission: Impossible" movies turned out to be. But I must say, for a modern-era movie, I liked what they did with "Mr. Peabody and Sherman." They expounded on their backstories, and instead of their relationship from a dog and his pet boy, they emphasized their original relationship of dog and adopted human son, for emotional resonance. Also, there's a lot of poop and butt-sniffing jokes that you know Jay Ward would've used had it not been for the censors.

    Sherman's character was fleshed out surprisingly well (and he gets a romantic interest!) and the genius dog Mr. Peabody stayed faithfully in character from his 55 year ago TV days, really bad puns and all. They kept in everything, from their penthouse home to the little cleaning man at the end. Of course, I always knew the animation couldn't possibly be worse than the original (and it's in 3D!), and of course, I knew I'd never be able to experience Jay Ward's subversive, near-anarchic satire...but then again, will we ever again? (Mr. Peabody actually bites someone at one point...but it's the movie itself that doesn't have the overall bite of the original show.)

    The last few times Hollywood took a crack at Jay Ward Studios, the results were mixed--1991's "Boris and Natasha," 1999's "Dudley Do-Right" and 2000's "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" were big-budgeted disasters (even with Robert De Niro giving a committed performance as "Fearless Leader" in R&B), while "George of the Jungle" did surprisingly well. So it was nice to see "Mr. Peabody and Sherman" atop the box office.

    That makes it even more successful than the characters' original 1960s parent show.

    Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you know what an A-Bomb is?
    Bullwinkle: Sure, a bomb is what some people call our show.
    Rocky: I don't think that's very funny.
    Bullwinkle: Neither do they, apparently.

    ...But that doesn't mean it wasn't loved or didn't have a following. In fact, the whole genius of Rocky and His Friends (as it was known on ABC) and The Bullwinkle Show (its NBC title) was that the most subversive characters weren't necessary Pottsylvania's Slavic-accented Boris and Natasha...the biggest subversives were the writers, producers and creators, the ones who brought our cold-war hero moose and squirrel to life. Their satire didn't use needles, they used spiked clubs, on subjects ranging from advertising to Disney princesses to classic literature to U.S./Soviet tensions. And they did it with the worst puns imaginable. All of that added to the show's charm.

    Bullwinkle (to the head of a shipping line): For someone who's supposed to be a really big magnate, you sure don't pick up things very fast!

    The writers made it clear: they were very well-read on the classics of world literature...but that was simply more stuff to tear apart with goofy cartoons and silly voices. That's how a Peabody & Sherman adventure about Sir Francis Bacon's allegations that he was getting ripped off by William Shakespeare, for instance, would include the line "Bacon, you'll fry for this!" It's also how the show's fifth and final season, the one in which I was born, came to include a plot about Bullwinkle's discovery of a much-sought-after toy boat encrusted with jewels, known as...wait for it..."The Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam." (That could be both the worst, and greatest, pun in television history.)

    When I was watching the show as a child, it was in full reruns. Its first run ended in 1964, at which point ABC picked up the reruns for Sunday mornings, where it stayed until 1973 and syndication. During that time, I heard works of classic poets for the first time, usually read in Bullwinkle's goofy voice and illustrated with sight gags. I saw the same fairy tales retold to me time and again by parents, grandparents, and teachers, retold in a perverse and hilarious way (via "Fractured Fairy Tales" and "Aesop and Son") that I knew even then, were just wrong. (Obviously I couldn't get enough of them.) And to add to the wrongness of it all...I didn't always get to see the show because of church. So if I was watching it at all, I had some nagging guilt I might go to hell for missing God's Word to hear Mr. Know-It-All lecture us on "How to get into the movies, without worrying about being caught by an usher."

    With animation that was just barely of enough quality to be watchable and hold children's attention, and humor that went right over their heads and landed bullseye on their parents, our fearless heroes revolutionized and pioneered the sophisticated satire that wouldn't become commonplace on TV until the debut of The Simpsons (whose creator, Matt Groening, was inspired to get into animation by Rocky and Bullwinkle themselves and often pays tribute to them on his own show). It's likely more than one baby boomer thought, "It was the first time that I can recall my parents watching a cartoon show over my shoulder and laughing in places I couldn't comprehend." But the person who actually said that was none other than movie mogul Steven Spielberg.

    The creators of Rocky, Bullwinkle and their post-McCarthy, cold-war influenced universe, were simply looking for a road less traveled in television animation. They didn't want adventure or a sitcom; they didn't want necessarily the cuteness of Disney or the brashness of Warner Brothers (though both are in the mix, make no mistake about that), and certainly not the by-the-numbers assembly line of Hanna-Barbera. They followed the leads of era comedians like Stan Freberg and Bob Newhart (most of the voice people worked extensively with Freberg, in fact), and went with droll satire.

    And they went with dialogue unique to that one and only series...because no other series in history could possibly get away with this dialogue, again from the show's 1963-64 season, in which they find Natasha, dressed as a school cheerleader, weeping on the campus of ...wait for it...Wossamotta U:

    Rocky: Hold it, Bullwinkle! That sounds like a lady in distress!
    Bullwinkle: So?
    Rocky: Gee, didn't you ever read the Hero's Handbook?
    Bullwinkle: I can never get past the picture of General MacArthur on the cover.
    Rocky: Well, chapter two says we should always help ladies in distress.
    Bullwinkle: Hi, there, lady! Are you in distress?
    Natasha: This dress, that dress, who cares? I'm distraught!
    Bullwinkle: Do we help ladies in distraught?

    That dialogue comes from the show's last legendary storyline, 1964's plot about Rocky and Bullwinkle playing football at Wossamotta U. Written for Jay Ward's love of college football, the story assails the whole institution--Wossamotta U continues to fall apart with outdated books and equipment even as its football team becomes a well-financed powerhouse. And a jingoist Southern colonel shows up out of nowhere to object to the term "civil war" being used, followed by any use of the word "civil"...perhaps a shot at NBC's rocky relationship with some of its southern affiliates.

    If the writers and producers read up on classics of literature for much of the show's inspiration, they also read Time and Newsweek. Boris and Natasha, and their boss, Fearless Leader, hail from the mythical eastern European (I guess) country of Pottsylvania, suggesting they're stand-ins for the Soviet-bloc leaders of the Cold War. Rocky and Bullwinkle stood for the good guys--Rocky, perhaps, even for our military--but the whole attitude behind the stories, and the fact that things worked out due to a really dumb idea from Bullwinkle ("And once again, Bullwinkle's stupidity has saved the day, for at that moment..." is a line that came from the narrator more than once)--suggests jingoism wasn't a destination for the writers, but perhaps a target, or even something to run over on the way where they were going. It's telling (aside from their friendship being described in such sweet, poignant terms) that it's always Rocky who kicks butt and protects Bullwinkle from everything...but considers Bullwinkle his hero. Whenever Bullwinkle says something dim-witted that inspires Rocky to day-saving action ("Bullwinkle, that's it! Bubblegum is the answer!"), Rocky does his deed and gives Bullwinkle all the credit.

    Bullwinkle: Humble, that's me... Mr. Modesty. When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest!

    Although the show appeared in different formats over the years--there's even a syndicated version that only runs 15 minutes per show, from the series' ABC years--each show typically begins and ends with the latest chapters in a Rocky and Bullwinkle storyline. Showing a clear influence from movie serials and old time radio, they're done in chapters with cliffhanger endings. Borrowing an idea from radio's Adventures of Sam Spade, the announcer usually gives "our next exciting episode" a double title, only this time in really bad pun form: "A Stitch in Time, or Suture Self" for example. (Other examples: "The Vanishing American or No Moose Is Good Moose," "Under Bullwinkle’s Bowler or The Wide, Open Spaces," and "Too Much Too Moon or What Makes Lunatick?")

    In between those chapters are self-contained segments: Rocky and Bullwinkle in "Poetry Corner" or "Mr. Know-It-All," the latter with our great, dumb moose trying to give us a disastrous lecture about how to do or not to do something; "Peabody's Improbable History," or our favorite doofus Canadian Mountie, "Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties," co-starring Dudley's horse, the inspector, Snidely Whiplash, and love interest Nell); and either "Fractured Fairy Tales" or "Aesop and Son," which re-tell beloved tales of our childhood in perverse, wonderfully cynical ways.

    Little Jack Horner (sticking in his thumb and pulling out a plum): What foods these morsels be!

    The roots of all of this subversity come from three men, and their contributions have often been debated. But make no mistake, Jay Ward (the driving visionary behind this enterprise), Alex Anderson (the man who created so many of these characters, including our favorite moose and squirrel) and Bill Scott (the man who gave a moose a voice, and something to say with it) are the three fathers of these children who kept so many of us glued to their sets with such limited animation. Keith Scott (no apparent relation to Bill, though Keith did supply Bullwinkle's voice in the 2000 movie) did a yeoman's job unearthing the show's behind-the-scenes history with his book, "The Moose That Roared: The Story of Jay Ward, Bill Scott, a Flying Squirrel and a Talking Moose," and that book is the lead reference source for this post.

    J. Troplong Ward originally intended to go into his father's real estate business, and was actually standing in the front doorway of that Berkeley, California office when he was the victim of a freak accident: a truck crashed into that very office, pinning him against a far wall. While he was recuperating he heard from his old friend, Alex Anderson, who wanted his help with a novel idea: cartoons especially for television. This was the 1947, and that hadn't been done yet. Anderson got his start working for his uncle--who just happened to be Paul Terry of Terrytoons studios, the firm that gave the world Mighty Mouse and Heckle and Jeckle. So, the two got together--Anderson creating the characters--and came up with the first-ever TV cartoon, the "limited animation" classic Crusader Rabbit.

    Those cartoons can be jarring to watch now, with animation so limited that often the scenes have characters that don't move, just basically one long shot of a stationary cartoon. But, as would be the case with so many Jay Ward productions, the stories more than made up for it: the rabbit, and his friendly sidekick Rags the Tiger, went far and wide to bring justice and right wrongs. If you came for movement, you'd be disappointed, but otherwise, the cartoons are still somewhat engaging to watch. Crusader was one of three characters featured in a "comic strips for TV format," with the other two being rejected. And one of those other two just happened to be the earliest incarnation of none other than Dudley Do-Right.

    Crusader Rabbit premiered in first run syndication in 1950, under the sponsorship of Carnation milk and pet food. After two seasons, however, and some production problems, the show wasn't renewed. In fact, Ward and Anderson would eventually lose control not only of the films, but the characters themselves. They did get paid off, however, and did get to keep all undeveloped properties from their former production company. One of those unsold projects, created in 1950 as a possible follow-up for Cruasder Rabbit, was "The Frostbite Falls Revue." All of the characters were animals--including a fox and a bear--and there were a moose and a squirrel in the mix. Bullwinkle and Rocky were the ones in this mix, and except for Rocky's mission to save the day, they were a little different than they would be when we'd first meet them on the air.

    Bullwinkle was named for Clarence Bullwinkel, a Ford dealer whose car lot was just down the street from Ward's studios. Anderson came up with the character after a bizarre dream about a talking moose who did card tricks and came with him to a party. During the long hiatus after Rabbit--and the sight of a new production company producing new, now color Rabbit cartoons, without them--Ward and Anderson began developing the format of what would become Rocky and His Friends. And that's what brought Bill Scott under the Frostbite Falls umbrella.

    A jack of all cartoon trades who bounced from studio to studio, Scott was a native of New Jersey and Pennsylvania. But a bout with TB brought him to Colorado as a teenager. In World War II, the cinema-minded Scott was drafted into the army and found himself reporting to none other than Ronald Reagan, before being assigned to a film crew. That was enough to get him hired at Warner Brothers' animation unit, where he worked for a year and even worked on Daffy Duck, before he wasn't renewed. A stint at Paramount ended with his being fired, which simply freed him up to work for UPA, a burgeoning, creative studio that gave him the opportunity to work with Mr. Magoo, even writing stories for the shorts. But that only lasted a short time before Scott began a financially rewarding--but soul-crushing--stint making educational, corporate training and propaganda films. His disillusion after being exposed to the ugliness--and as he put it, the flat-out dishonesty--of executive America led him to walk away from a profitable enterprise. And that attitude flavored much of his later work.

    Scott worked at the short-lived Gerald McBoing-Boing Show, again for UPA, before his brief time at the animation studios of the (reportedly rather difficult) Shamus Culhane united him with Jay Ward for the first time. After they left, Ward lured him over to work on his new ideas in 1957, the idea of reviving two characters from "The Frostbite Falls Review," Rocky and Bullwinkle, in their own show. During a rather harrowing whirlwind of production activity, Ward set up studios in Mexico, purportedly to save money but ironically, it turned out to be costly and messy. (The behind-the-scenes, rather shady story of how it all worked with the sponsor's approval, would have been a worthy Mad Men episode, in fact.) The premiere of what would be Rocky and His Friends was actually delayed twice due to massive production problems, but the show's network, ABC, and its primary sponsor, General Mills, stuck by the show. Ultimately it became a big daytime hit for ABC, appearing one afternoon a week after American Bandstand and even became the number one daytime show.

    Bill Scott, who spent more time writing than voicing, was a superb voice artist. He voiced Bullwinkle and would go on to voice Mr. Peabody (modeled after Clifton Webb's "Mr. Belvedere" character from the movies) and Dudley Do-Right. June Foray, quite possibly the greatest female voice artist of all time, is our pal Rocky, as well as Dudley's love Nell Fenwick, and so many of the great fussy old broads, laughing witches and Bronx princesses that made up the "Fractured Fairy Tales." Paul Frees added his talents, as did an uncredited Daws Butler, who was still working for Hanna-Barbera at the time. Character actor Hans Conreid was Snidely Whiplash and a few other characters, which character actors Edward Everett Horton narrated the "Fractured Fairy Tales" and Charles Ruggles played the first title role in "Aesop & Son."

    The production problems worked themselves out over the course of the season, with many of the "Fractured Fairy Tale" segments being produced in Hollywood by Ward himself. The show's first adventure did something no other cartoon did at the time: mirrored America's collective anxiety over the "space race" with the Soviet Union. Bullwinkle's family recipe for mooseberry pie causes an explosion that puts his and Rocky's stove on the moon, and they have to build a rocket ship to get it. Of course, the recipe itself actually makes an advanced rocket fuel formula, which brings out the evil Boris and Natasha, clearly on the "wrong side" of the Cold War.

    During the first two seasons, we saw our heroes weather the trials and tribulations of the counterfeit boxtop caper (and the censorship-minded attitudes of General Mills and its ad agency--it wasn't really the box tops that bothered them as much as a gag about a "goof" from the "Great Spirit" that sends Rocky, Bullwinkle, Boris and Natasha falling off a mountain). And we saw them deal with the season one "moon men" again as Bullwinkle inherits a mine full of the anti-gravity material "Upsidasium." At one point the moon men start damaging TV antennas, leaving Americans cluelessly staring at nothing, and one man even watching the window of a front-loading washing machine ("Love these sea stories!"). Leave it to Ward and company to make sure they made fun of everyone, even their own viewers.

    That "make fun of anyone" approach was the source of much of the censorship friction; Ward and company were often called on the carpet for over-the-top foreign accents, for example. Patriotic General Mills executives also objected to Peabody and Sherman segments that ridiculed our founding fathers; they managed to get in digs at Ben Franklin (and his kite experiment), Paul Revere and the Battle of Bunker Hill (where the "Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes!" order is confounded when the Tories show up all wearing sunglasses). But then, the Big G finally pulled the plug on one script in which Mr. Peabody helps Francis Scott Key write the "Star Spangled Banner" during the Battle of Fort McHenry. (I know that one had to be hilarious, and I probably seem like a "bad American" for saying that.)

    Had Rocky and Bullwinkle been living beings instead of brush-and-ink creations, they likely would've endured a lot of friction that could've split them up like Abbott & Costello or Martin & Lewis. But the duo managed to remain caring friends, not only through all the nightmarish production difficulties of season one, but the super-heavy workload of season two. And then there's a tiny matter of billing: Bullwinkle became the breakout star, and the new episodes introduced on a new network in season three would find a tiny little change in billing: now it was the sweet but daffy moose who would be center stage--literally, in a new set of opening credits that show him dancing in a spotlight and tipping a hat.

    The show was in prime time on NBC beginning in 1961; perhaps that new opening (which I remember so much from my childhood) was meant to evoke the many variety shows on network TV at the time. It could even be a gentle knock at the "Overture! Dim the lights!" opening to The Bugs Bunny Show, itself premiering in prime time a season earlier. There was also a Bullwinkle puppet, filmed live-action, who hosted each show. If the cartoon Bullwinkle was a sweet simpleton, the puppet Bullwinkle was a smartass, taking digs at the network and even the show that came on right afterwards. Once he declared it was time to go because "Mr. Disney has just arrived in the studio, and he's holding a baseball bat." Another time he pretended to be unfamiliar with Walt Disney's name, declaring "He'll never get anywhere with a handle like that one!" In one of the earliest shows, he told children in the audience to remove the channel knobs from their TV sets, so they can "be with us again next week, and the next week, and the next week..." Irate mail that flooded NBC resulted in Bullwinkle coming back the following week, telling everyone to glue the knobs back on.

    The NBC prime time incarnation opened to rave reviews and disappointing ratings; our beloved moose and squirrel had to compete with a beloved collie, Lassie on CBS (which in turn, had another beloved animal as a lead-in, Mister Ed the talking horse). Another difference: "Aesop and Son" replacing "Fractured Fairy Tales," and the premiere of Alex Anderson's one other great creation, Dudley Do-Right. (Anderson worked as a consultant as the show was being developed in the late 1950s, but wasn't further involved in the show. It was after Ward's death, and his not being mentioned in an entire documentary, that Anderson went to court to finally get his rightful credit as the creator of Rocky, Bullwinkle and Dudley.)

    Plus, we found out, as sweet and cheerful as they appeared, Bullwinkle and Rocky (and even Dudley Do-Right) made lots of trouble. First, there were lawyer's letters swapped over the caper about the "Kirwood Derby," the hat that made dumb people suddenly very smart when they wore it. It was a play on the name of announcer Durward Kirby, who, despite being the sidekick of comedian Garry Moore and co-host of Candid Camera, didn't find much humor in the joke. (Or did he? I suspect Kirby had the letters sent just to get in on the joke, but that's just my humble opinion. In any event, the threat of a lawsuit didn't get anywhere; Ward even begged Kirby's attorneys for one, for publicity's sake.)

    NBC objected to a show that depicted Rocky and Bullwinkle being possible victims of cannibals, despite the fact that eating a moose and squirrel is, by definition, not cannibalism. And when  Dudley Do-Right short featured a bear named Stokey who "went bad" and set forest fires instead of preventing them, the U.S Forest Service was so hot they actually threatened criminal action, saying Smokey was "protected by Congress." "Stokey's" adventure, consequently, was buried for years. But now, you can see it again without any irate forest rangers trying to put you in jail for it.

    While the shows often barely made their deadlines during the earliest years, in later years they were produced well ahead of schedule. So much so, in fact, that the soundtracks to the 1963-64 season were already recorded at the end of 1962, with the animation taking up 1963.

    When Bullwinkle returned for the 1962-63 season, it was out of prime time again, now on late Sunday afternoons. The following season it would be moved to Saturday mornings. That season, with quality a bit more inconsistent than earlier seasons, still yielded some classic adventures: "The Bumbling Brothers Circus," for instance, as well as the aforementioned "Ruby Yacht" and "Wossamatta U"  stories. There was also an epic sci-fi tale, "The Pottsylvania Creeper," modeled after the movie "The Blob" and Roger Corman's cult favorite, "Little Shop of Horrors." And then, there was one whose roots go back to one of the scariest moments of American history...and how Jay Ward and company forever became wrapped up in it.

    Ward, always coming up with wacky promotional ideas (like the Hollywood Boulevard street dance to celebrate the unveiling of the Rocky and Bullwinkle statue...for that matter, the statue itself), decided he wanted to buy an island and name it Moosylvania. So he found one in north Minnesota, not far from the Canadian border, and leased it, then decided to petition for statehood for it. So the otherwise shy Ward put on an funny hat and Napoleon outfit, with his publicist, Howard Brandy, dressed in a Dudley Do-Right Mountie outfit, and NBC publicist Pat Humphrey (daughter in law of Senator Hubert Humphrey, himself from Minnesota), and they took off for a 22 city tour. They traveled in a tricked-up Ford Econoline van that played calliope music over a loudspeaker, as the trio went town to town, appearing in parades and news conferences. Ward often spoke of Moosylvania being our 52nd state, since he heard "Mississippi will be our 51st any day now." Then they made one last, eventful stop: the White House.

    I'm not sure what they thought would happen when they went to the gate and demanded to see President Kennedy so they could hand over a 30,000 signature petition for Moosylvanian statehood, or when they insisted after a Secret Service agent demanded they leave (Secret Service agents notoriously don't have a sense of humor on the job...I found that out years ago), or when they simply took their colorful Econoline to another gate...but they probably weren't ready for an agent to unsnap the holster holding the gun. So they left the White House, taking the photos they'd just taken to the local AP office...where they were told, a situation we now know historically as the Cuban Missile Crisis was just unfolding, and President Kennedy was getting ready to make a speech.

    So, a year and three months later, in January 1964, we finally got to see the movement for Moosylvanian statehood play out on our televisions, at least the ones whose antennas hadn't been eaten by the metal-munching moon mice. On January 11, parts one and two of the "Moosylvania" storyline had a bored Boris impressing Natasha with a sudden jolt of brilliance: a essay contest called "I like being evil in 25 words or less..." It becomes a national mania: two orbiting astronauts conspire to keep it a secret that the world is really flat, and a gun-wielding robber tells a jeweler it's nothing personal, he just wants to win the contest. The jeweler is understanding, since he's been selling fake jewelry all week with the "real stuff" at home with his wife. But his wife is writing him a letter, saying by the time he reads it, "I will be gone with the swag and maybe first prize in the contest."

    But Bullwinkle is the winner: he wrongly thinks he's writing about weevils and says he has the exclusive rights to them in Moosylvania. Boris conspires to get those "exclusive evil distribution rights" as we hear about Moosylvania: no population or industry; Bullwinkle is governor, superintendent, owner and janitor of the island, which has been in his family for generations. And it got rooked out of being a state as far back as the American Revolution, when it almost became the 14th state (until Betsy Ross threatened to charge George Washington extra for adding a star to the flag). We're then told to tune in to our next episode, "Resign Your Fate to a 52nd State, or Moosylvania Mania!"

    So, on January 18, 1964, as that next episode begins, Rocky and Bullwinkle are on a train to Washington to petition for statehood. "That way it can set an example for Texas!" says Governor Bullwinkle, but the unlikely tones of narrator Bill Conrad (who sounds nothing like radio's Matt Dillon or television's Cannon or the Fat Man here) tell us they're actually headed to Butte, Montana. It's been disguised as Washington, complete with thin, phony facades, by Boris and Natasha. Of course, since Boris and Natasha are evil, naturally Frankenstein's statue is atop what's supposed to be the capital dome. The denizens of what's presented to us as the "small town" of Butte, Montana, have been asked to play along. "Someone asked me to wear this Supreme Court robe," says a man at the feed store, getting the reply, "I know, Selwyn...I used to want to hit you in the mouth, now I just want to impeach you!" Another old man is upset because his TV antenna is now bent to where Channel 4 gets nothing but presidential press conferences. B&N apparently told a farmer's wife she's now the new curator of the Smithsonian.

    Rocky: Doesn't it kind of give you a special feeling?
    Bullwinkle: Yes it does, Rock, almost like the time I first saw Butte, Montana.

    They pull into the train station, whose sign up top reads "Washington, Dee See." Boris, posing as a cabbie, offers our heroes a ride, leading to this all-time classic exchange of dialogue:

    Rocky: That voice, where have I heard that voice before?
    Bullwinkle: In about 320 other episodes. I don't know who it is, either!

    The "cabbie" drops off our heroes at a building, where he proclaims, in sing-song fashion, "Thees is where all mooses and squirrels file for statehood!" But "little do our heroes know" that "at that very moment," Natasha is swinging an ax to cut a rope that causes the capitol facade to start to fall on our heroes. Rocky yells at Bullwinkle to run for it. "Rocky, you mean our nation's capitol isn't really made of one quarter inch beaver wood with plastic clips?" Bullwinkle asks.

    Rocky: Run, Bullwinkle!
    Bullwinkle: I thought you only ran in Washington every fourth year!

    ...and this is where the segment ends, as  the narrator tells us to tune in for the next episode, "Bad Day at Flat Rocky, or a Record in Bullwinkle's Blot."

    One thing about the show and its segments: they've been spliced apart and reassembled numerous times for Saturday and Sunday morning reruns and for syndication, almost like someone shuffled two or three decks of cards together then lost a few. So Keith Scott, and the DVD company that remastered the show, again did an excellent job of TV archaeology in reassembling most of them, even the "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" segments. That being said, even though the Rocky and Bullwinkle adventure is new for this date, as is the Mr. Know-It-All segment, the "Fractured Fairy Tales" and "Peabody's Improbable Adventure" segments are actually rerun from previous years.

    This "Fractured Fairy Tale" has Edward Everett Horton retelling "Beauty and the Beast." In this version (which the network very much didn't like), the Beast can't get a pretty girl to kiss him and make him a prince again. "I'm really a prince, but I'm all fudged up like this because of witchcraft," he reminds us. We see him get doors slammed on his nose and foot, having a kissing booth close in his face, gets a wedding cake thrown at him when he waits in line to kiss the bride at a wedding. "I'm just a no-good beastnik," the seemingly hopeless beast declares, before a woman comes by who warms up to him, and kisses him. "Better try again, baby, that one didn't take," says the unchanged beast, so she kisses him again; nothing. "Well the script says you turn back into a prince. You really are a prince, aren't you?" inquires our narrator, Horton. "Listen bud, you get kissed your way, I'll get kissed my way!" he shouts back. So the woman clubs him. End of story, for our ugly, serial sexual harrasser.

    "Fractured Fairy Tales" was one of my favorite parts of the show. In his book, Keith Scott quoted people who went as far as to suggest many of them were high-quality enough to have been released as theatrical shorts...and I agree. One legendary fracture from season one retold a perverse "Sleeping Beauty"--in this one, Prince Charming, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Walt Disney, decides that awake, she's just another princess, but asleep, she's a gold mine. So he lets her sleep and charges admission to "Sleeping Beautyland." In a retelling of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," it's all about a wicked witch with dire self esteem issues, and a group of dwarfs who keep exploiting that fact to sell her stuff. Bill Scott's bad experiences in big business and advertising likely added to the tone of some of these tales.


    The "Mr. Know-It-All" segment, as I said earlier, is original to this episode, and is a random, Monty Python story from out of nowhere...and perhaps not my favorite. While I do love the title ("How to Remove a Mustache Without Getting Any Lip"), it's as if the writers came up with that and didn't know what to do next. First, Bullwinkle has to buy a mustache since he doesn't have one. "Which would you like," asks the clerk at the mustache store, "the thousand dollar type" (genuine mink) "or the 999 dollar type (wash 'n' wear Dacron)?"  "I'd like something in the middle, say a buck and a half?" our hero says back. They only sell expensive mustaches, so Bullwinkle goes to Bank of Podunk and uses a frowning Rocky as collateral for a $1000 loan. But he spills ink all over robber, and then, well-meaning, says "Here, let me hold your gun." Then the cops show up. "But your highness, this is all a mistake!" he implores the judge as he gets 99 years. Back on stage, Rocky suddenly notice Bullwinkle has a mustache, so Bullwinkle snatches a can of "mustache remover" and pours it on himself. But Rocky says "that's vanishing cream!" "Now, he tells me," Bullwinkle's floating mustache seems to say.

    Then Bullwinkle says "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" and proceeds to pull out a growling bear. These segments, believe it or not, were actually meant as timefillers during the first season on ABC, when the network began demanding more content as the lab was too slow in getting completed product back from Mexico.

    "Peabody's Improbable History" is a rerun from the first season...and the animation looks shockingly cheap, as if the whole thing was drawn with sidewalk chalk. (Again, this is during the problem, shakedown period with Gamma Productions in Mexico.) It's a jaw-dropping sight to behold considering the modern day Sherman and Peabody we just saw computer animated on modern movie screens, in some cases even in 3D.

    "This is the WABAC machine, and this is my boy, Sherman. Speak, Sherman."
    "Hello."
    "Good boy."

    That's Bill Scott we hear as Peabody (and we'd hear as many of Ward's other starring characters, like Dudley, George of the Jungle, etc.), and Walter Tetley as Sherman. He made a career, well into adulthood, out of sounding like a little boy, and did so all throughout the golden days of radio. He was Junior, Gildy's nephew, for years on The Great Gildersleeve.

    The WABAC takes us to 1810 Paris, back to Napoleon, who's in a crisis: "The imperial braces" are gone, namely his suspenders. Why are they important? Because they hold his pants up. "I cannot order the troops forward, I cannot even salute! As for making a speech, impossible!" the French leader laments.

    It turns out they were swiped by Pierre La Como (a play on fellow NBC personality, singer and variety show host Perry Como), his personal assistant, who ran off to a pirate ship with the royal braces in hand.

    Peabody throws a rope to the ship so he and Sherman can climb aboard (similar to a stunt in the 2014 movie, in fact...which actually has a segment set in the French Revolution). They see Pierre and his conspirators discussing how the lack of suspenders make Napoleon helpless; "France will fall...like Napoleon's pants!" they laugh. Sherman and Peabody grab the suspenders and run, fighting off pirates in the process. Sherman's even in a swordfight at one point.

    When the two return with the suspenders, they get a parade...but not the admiration of the French people, who beg him not to return the suspenders. "Today has been the first day in 33 years there has been peace and quiet in France," "This is the first day the cannons have been silenced in years, no boom boom boom!" they tell him. A little girl says it's the first time in 33 years she's seen her daddy...who is Napoleon.

    "There didn't seem to be any reason to return the suspenders to Napoleon...so we didn't. There they are," Peabody says as he points to the framed royal braces. It seems all the times we see Napoleon with his hand in his coat, he's really holding up his imperial pants. This is one of the few Peabody adventures that doesn't end with a terrible pun, but there's another one just a few episodes away that has two.

    Bill Conrad then sets the scene for the final Rocky and Bullwinkle installment of "Moosylvania." (His voice evolved over the years and got progressively higher and goofier. Conrad was quite a skilled voice man; this same season, a different sounding Conrad can be heard dramatically narrating the first season of The Fugitive.)

    "In our last spleen-shaking episode..." Conrad begins as he wraps up the previous installment, explaining why a facade that looks like the U.S. Capitol building is about to fall on Rocky and Bullwinkle. But fortunately, they make it past the falling facade. This leaves Boris and Natasha, simply devastated.

    Natasha: Where did we fail?
    Boris: And I always try so hard to do the wrong thing.

    Rocky laments that that they can't apply for statehood in Butte, Montana anyway, "or was it?" as the narrator inquires. That's because the Butte, Montana lumber company facade that was behind the capitol facade, falls too, revealing it was a facade.

    Rocky: What do you say to that, Bullwinkle?
    Bullwinkle: What else? Timber!

    Turns out Washington DC had been disguised as Butte, Montana by a lobby for the Montana Mushmelon Trust. "We made Washingon D.C. look like Montana and you're still voting against the mushmelon bill?" asks the lobbyist. The politician responds, "Son, I even voted against Medicare, and they wrapped 54 million Band-Aids on the Washington Monument!" (Medicare wouldn't be passed until 1965, but the word was already common as Ronald Reagan and others spoke out against the idea.)

    So, we found out there were subversives in the capitol, or at least there were this time, for Boris is pretending to be a clerk, in a special window devoted to Moosylvania. He says they better hurry as they're about to close in honor of Aaron Burr. "Hey, isn't he the one who shot Alexander Hamilton?" he's asked. "That's why the window is closing, I've got to warn him to get out of town!" Boris then assures Natasha he's pulling it off just fine.

    Rocky tells Bullwinkle to give him the petition, so Bullwinkle tells Rocky to "hold this first" and hands Boris the paper; Boris says "Now Moosylvania will never have statehood!" "Bullwinkle, we gave them our petition and they were fake!" Bullwinkle says don't worry, they still have that "gift" from the New Mexico Dynamite and TNT Trust. It turns out Bullwinkle handed over the wrong paper, "Once again, Bullwinkle's incredible stupidity had saved the day, for at that very moment, a blinding flash covered the metropolitan Washington, D.C. area and parts of Alcove, Nevada as well," sending Boris and Natasha orbiting the earth every seven minutes, because it was an explosive issue.

    As they drop off the petition at the real statehood petition filing place, Bullwinkle wonders if they have a chance. As he looks hopefully at the audience, Rocky says, "That all depends on whether good Americans get behind it, Bullwinkle!" And so, they've done it, not an irate Secret Service agent in sight. Or have they?
    "But will Rocky and Bullwinkle be joined in support by people everywhere? Or will the same sinister forces that defeated the Snooky Lanson presidential boom be at work again? Perhaps we'll find out more in further adventures of Rocky Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose!" And so it ends, with a random name-dropping of a regular singer from Your Hit Parade.

    Just a few weeks later, NBC would air its last ever first run Bullwinkle Show. In that last adventure, once again set in Moosylvania, Rocky and Bullwinkle find themselves on the island spending their vacation, when it begins to sink under the weight of emergency supplies sent because word got out Rocky and Bullwinkle were stuck there. The show ends with the narrator saying, "It is, the end! But watch for another episode soon, of Rocky and Bullwinkle!"
    Bullwinkle: It may be a little hard to find, but don't give up.
    Rocky: We're not!

    That "hard to find" referred to the switch in networks, back to ABC, and to permanent rerun status. The ending of The Bullwinkle Show may have partly been due to low ratings, but also because everyone was just ready to move on to the "next big thing." General Mills saw no reason to make additional episodes, since a new generation of children would discover the reruns soon. Jay Ward moved on to many of the ideas he'd been trying to sell: his Fractured Flickers series involving redubbed silent movies with silly dialogue, and Bullwinkle's replacement, Hippity Hooper, about a frog and the con artist fox he hangs out with. But Hippity would never become the icon that Rocky, Bullwinkle, Peabody, Sherman, or Dudley Do-Right would become. And for a man who was often at war with advertisers and executives, he found himself doing great work for one of General Mills' top competitors: Quaker Oats, as he brought Cap'n Crunch and the duo of Quisp and Quake to life, advertising cereal for generations of young, Saturday morning TV viewers. And as for many of the rest of the behind-the-scenes workers of Rocky and Bullwinkle, they were back at work for a non-Jay Ward production: Underdog.

    So in the end, Boris and Natasha failed to kill the moose and squirrel, who simply retired. But that wasn't really their job. Their job was to draw attention away from the real subversives: Jay Ward and company, fighters of censors, manglers of history and fine literature, fracturers of beloved fairy tales. They irritated more than a few network executives, made more than a few ad men nervous, and in the end, blazed more than a few trails for the likes of Homer J. Simpson (middle initial in honor of Jay Ward) and  Eric Cartman. The toes that were stepped upon in the early 1960s are now well trodden ground. What seemed so cutting edge, and panic-inducing among executives, seems rather tame now, but doggone it, it's funny. And I like to think, in some small way, the moose and squirrel even helped us win the Cold War.


    Availability: the entire series is on DVD and Hulu, minus Fred Steiner's 1961-era theme song and Bullwinkle's dancing open.

    Next time on this channel: The Garry Moore Show.

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